Thursday, September 30, 2010

New Journal

I've decided to start all over from scratch...

Here is the link to my new journal.

please follow me!!


Monday, July 19, 2010

Down in the Dumps

I shouldn't care. I really shouldn't care at all but I do. As of today it has been exactly 1 month since I have seen Andre. We were texting back and forth.... but now he just ignores me. I guess he's moved on. He said he wanted to see me, and he was going to let me know when, and from that day forward I haven't heard anything from him. I know he's not the person for me, but when you become involved with someone emotionally and physically it is hard to let go and move on. It's just so much easier for guys. If only I could hide my emotions on command and never think or speak about them. I guess I won't get to see him to say goodbye either. So much for "closure" maybe this is whats easy for him... but not for me. I don't like to be ignored. I don't like to feel the way I feel right now either. Like really, should I be sitting here crying over someone who doesn't even have the decency to humor me and say goodbye like the many times I humored him and did what he wanted? Maybe there is someone else in his life. But if this were the case. I wish he'd just be up front and honest about it. I don't feel good. I feel alone.... Tomorrow is creeping up on me, and I'm not ready to deal with it.

I'm so mad at Andre for making me feel the way I do right now. I never did anything to him to deserve him to ignore me and treat me like I'm nothing.

I don't even want to finish this... maybe another time.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010


I sat the night in the Emergency Room.

It's almost 3am and I literally just got home about 20 mins ago. They took x-rays and prescribed me meds, but I'm still currently in pain. I have to go have an ultrasound tomorrow at 2pm, and who knows... based on the results of that... if the large amounts of medicine they have me taking don't work, then I may need to have surgery. Maybe the removal of my gallbladder... I don't know.. that's just what the doctor was talking about and the pain I am experiencing. I swear if it isn't one thing it is another... and what a sucky time to maybe need surgery and not have any health insurance since you were kicked off you parents for turning 24 and A&T cancelled my student health Ins. since I graduated! I'm destined to pile on the debt I think. But I don't care. I have been in pain for months and hiding it for months. No matter what I eat, I am ALWAYS in pain. It's bad if all you eat is a yogurt and your in so much pain with your stomach and the discomfort with you side and back that all you can do is lay down and try to wait for it to subside!

I sat in the ER alone, by myself texting back and forth with Andre. I'm the type of person who has to say what I need to say to your face... I hate the talking over the phone, and texting because I feel like I can't truly get my feelings or expression across and sometimes, well, too often it is misinterpreted for "arguing"... I feel that it's necessary I say my goodbye to him in person because most likely... we won't be friends, and it brings a tear to my eye to say that I'll probably never see him again. I know he may or may not feel anything for me... I really can't tell anymore... but for my own personal piece of mind. I need to speak to him in person and say my goodbye to his face... he says i'm asking for too much. I don't think I was asking for too much. Yes, things moved entirely too fast between him and I, but unfortunately all those things felt right at the time... It's not like I intended to hurt anyone. I was straight forward about my situation from the day we went on our first date. We both did it, we both became attached... and well now he's putting it off on me, and playing this game... and YES. He's winning. I feel like the bad guy. I don't want to argue with him... I just need to tell him how I feel, and tell him everything to his face. I'm a crier. I'm going to cry. I can't help that... I know it's over here. I know that I'll never see the guy again and apart of my process to let go is to cry. But I also need him to know that I did care, and he is just acting like a complete fool! First he says he can't believe I'm leaving him, and he hates it... now he's acting like its no big deal, and he doesn't need to see me or let me say goodbye. He acts like I'm overreacting, and that I rushed into things with him all by myself and he never wanted it. Why do guys do that? Why is it so easy for them to turn their emotions off? Why can't I be more like that. The last text he sent me said "I'll let you know when you can see me"... In my mind I'm thinking.... F U!!! like your so dang busy your need to let me know when I can see you. So I am hurt, and I'm in pain-still. And really I just need the closure of that part of my life for me. Not for him, and I don't feel like it's too much to ask of him... and I hate that he's treating me this way now... like I'm just another person. It really pisses me off to be quite frank... because later on... maybe not tomorrow or this week, but later on he will text me and say he misses me or hates that I left him.... it's become a cycle with him since about the first of June. Maybe even late May.... I know I'm leaving, He knows I'm leaving... for good. Just let me say the goodbye I need to say. Let me cry, and lets move on! I am sad about it, but oh well. It's just so many other mixed emotions involved that I'm sad about in general. stressing about my health doesn't help either.

Even though it hurts when I eat, I need to find a small light snack because I can't eat after 7am and have to be back at the hospital by 130pm for my ultrasound appointment. Maybe we can get to the bottom of my pain issues... and maybe, well maybe I can fall asleep and wake up forgetting I was ever involved with Andre. Sometimes he really knows how to push me... and what I hate is he knows he makes me cry... I really don't think I was asking for much to say goodbye. UGH! it frustrates me! and I don't feel good.


[side note]

I made an additional blog called "Crazy Beautiful" if anyone is interested. :)


Here it is July 13th already and my life seems like it is everywhere! I thought things would be simple. I thought it would be easy to pack up all my belongings and head home to Buffalo. I was wrong.

I made an 8 year life out of North Carolina...when things were bad and I wanted to turn around and go back to NY... I made it work. I developed relationships and friendships here... but truth be told... maybe I've done all there is to do in NC. Well, Greensboro at least.

But even at that, and the bitter sweet feeling I have. My friends here are leaving as I've made the decision to go to school's elsewhere. It's like starting all over again. Well, really I am. While I was in Buffalo I went to the University of Buffalo to get some paperwork things done, and being there didn't feel like "home" I don't know... I guess it's because I adjusted and am used to the livelihood of A&T... I hate to say this, but UB is just plain boring!!! I'm sure once I am settled into classes and what not I will develop new friend ships.... but for now... I'm missing my Aggies.

I started seeing a pretty nice guy too... right at the wrong time. I know he's not "the one" but we sure did have some fun together. He kind of avoids me now that he knows I'm definitely leaving. I was straight forward with him though. I told him from day one that I was moving to NY. I know apart of him didn't want to get to close to me, but we managed to... and I know another part of him thought he was going to convince me to stay. I feel bad because I almost feel like I hurt him. I've cried quite a few times over him and we arent even to a point of a relationship like that. But we had so much fun together. I know he's upset with me, and plays like the tough guy like it doesn't matter but I am well capable as a psychology major of seeing through some of the acts people put on for others. I just don't know what to do about Andre. We talk still, and while I was in Buffalo he sent me a text that said "I can't believe your really leaving me... I hate it" But if I stayed in North Carolina... would it be for me or him? I really do have feelings for him, but if I stay knowing hes not the one I'm meant to be with.... where will that leave me? I never meant to hurt him... even though he says hes ok and he's going to be ok with out me. I know he will, but I know what it feels like to be left... and whether hes really hurt or just trying to get with me... my intention was never to get this serious so fast....but things happen I guess.

As far as Buffalo goes... even if its not where I'm supposed to be permanently. I am however devoting the next 5-6 years of my life there until I am finished with Dental school. After that, I will go wherever calls me. I have no commitments nor do I have anything holding me back... so once I walk across the stage with the DDS. I can go anywhere and start new.

It's just a lot of mixed emotions. Funny thing is I know life in Buffalo isn't going to be the same. The people that were once my friends will be people I know, but we won't always be friends. But things change and people grow apart. Then there's people that I didn't think would be my choice of a good friend that are better friends than I thought my "best friends" were. It's going to be challenging, but I'll make my life work... and it's probably better I don't have the old friends I once had because unfortunately I know they will just bring me down. They settle for what they have rather than striving for more. I'm striving for more....though sometimes it is a pain and a hard road to take... but I feel like I'm supposed to do something better than just settle for what is in front of me.

So I have to finish packing among a lot of things that I need to take care of before I leave... but it's always just a step at a time.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Day 3... is almost over

I managed to get a little cleaning done. Made 2 seperate meals for the family... one for my diet, and one for them.... I so badly want to get on the scale... but I'm trying to avoid it. I know my weight fluctuates anyway, so getting on the scale only after 3 full days of this diet...and not seeing a loss will only discourage me.

I'm working at it...... I'm trying to stay focused on losing 23 pounds. I know that if I lose the 23 pounds that I've gained over the course of the year will put me back into the clothes I wore last summer which fit pretty snug currently. 23 pounds in a year is a lot of weight. I don't know where I lost track of what I was eating and doing and not doing to pack on that much weight. I kept saying I'd get to it when exams were over and graduation was done... and here I am almost 2 month after graduation, having gained an additional 8 pounds. I think that's what has gotten to me. However I think I am doing pretty well on my diet thus far. Usually my problem is eating right and setting boundaries... but right now it's so hot the thought of exercising and sweating makes me tired in itself!

Plus for whatever reason, I am just down. I feel tired all the time. I go to sleep tired, and I wake up tired. I have no energy... and I can't even say it's either this or that... because I think it's a combination of a few things. My weight is the highest its ever been. I know it's there because i can see it....every time I look in the mirror... but looks are besides the point... I don't like feeling it. I'm "blah". I don't do much as it is, but to feel tired for no reason is beyond me. Not to mention it is extremely hot. The weather channel keeps saying that the heat is in the mid to high 90's but the air is that of a 100-110 degree day. So with that being said, its hotter in the house than outside.... that drains me too.

I just feel so unlike myself... I feel unproductive and I don't like it. Maybe I just need to tackle one thing at a time instead of trying to work on EVERYTHING at once.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Day # 2

I made it through...

Still not feeling my best, but what can i do?

Monday, June 21, 2010

Day 1 isn't so bad....

So, it's been months since I've written... and in that time a lot has changed.

I've graduated with my BA. in Psychology.
I've lost some loved ones and am still healing.
I've met many guys, but am caught up with 1 right now. That I just can't understand
I'm moving to NY. (so the guy above will be out of the picture soon)
I've gained an additional 8 pounds to my already high weight.
I'm sad.
I truly feel some days that I am depressed. I don't want to get out of bed. I even sleep the day away. For the most part I'm pretty good at hiding it.
I'm scared to move back home to Buffalo. So much has changed, and I have changed... where do I fit?

I could go on and on, about ME and my emotions, and where my life is going and not going. I'm 24 years old, and sometimes I feel so unaccomplished.

Today was the fist day of working on me.
I did a little packing, I've been following and doing very well on my diet... I forced myself to do this. Its either start now, or keep packing on the pounds, and I just cannot let that happen. I'm currently at the highest weight I have ever been.... I feel terrible. Not just emotionally over it, but physically... I have no energy and I am TIRED all the time... I dont want to feel this way. I look in the mirror and I don't even see myself anymore. That's a feeling I can't get past... that I need to change.

One day at a time, and today was the first of many to come.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

My Dearest JamieLynn,

I've sat for hours on end trying to figure out how to handle this day. As many times as I've thought it was coming, not enough time in the world allowed me to prepare myself for losing you.

I find myself thinking back to when we were kids. Those were the happier days and the better days for you. Then we parted ways. Our difference in age, though it is just a number now, helped cause our separation. I remember you playing barbie dolls with me all day everyday from the time the sun came up til my dad made us go to bed. I remember all the bike rides and trips to the park my mom would take us on. I remember a lot. I'm remembering things that I thought I've forgotten but haven't. I remember our Summer's in Tennessee and throwing cookies at those boys that liked you that were poor. I feel bad now, but I remember us laughing and saying how they were so poor they'd probably come back and pick the cookies up later and eat them.

Yes, we are just "river rats" at heart, but it made us who we are. Remember the time those girls were talking crap about you because the boys at All Saints liked you? I still laugh about it now. I was about 7 years old and I remember walking into Wilson Farms with you, and those girls talking about you being a hoe. Then I remember us going to the quick shop on Esser and buying Milkbone dog bones and whipping them out the window of the Charger and barking at those ugly bitches (excuse my language)... lol I was started off at such an early age. I can't help who I am, neither can you.

I can't help but think of SWV's "weak"... you were the first to put me on to R&B, hip-hop as a small child. I remember it was my first cassette tape all because of you.

I remember when you got pregnant with Claudia... we sat for days naming that baby until we picked a name... "Justice Blue" that was back from the days where we were still watchin poetic justice with janet and pac- I laugh because i don't know what we were thinking at the time, but I smile because I know you gave her the name Justice as a middle name for me.

I've seen you struggle for so many years. The good, and the bad, you always pulled through. Even in some of my weakest moments I think about the strength you had to deal with your pain- mentally, emotionally, physically. No matter the choices in life you made, I could never fault you for. We all make mistakes, and to me you'll always be that Imperfect Angel. You are one of a kind, and can never be replaced. I envy you in that no matter how much pain you were in you always put a show for everyone and told them you were ok, and getting better. Every time I saw you, you always told me how beautiful I was and that you loved me. Thank you.

I remember the last picture we took together in 2006, which is now my default. I apologize because you'd hate it, but I love it. I remember getting ready to take this picture and you stopped to go draw your eye brows in, and I remember laughing because you kept asking me if they were even. They were even. I cried to you over Colin and everything that I was going through with him and the family. You wiped away my tears and told me if would be ok and you told me what a strong and smart person I was. You told me you understood exactly what I was going through and that it wasn't even easy for you being with an Arabian man, and the things Claudia was going through in dunkirk because of who she was. But you told me I could handle anything. I saw you once more after this day, and talked to you on the phone a few times. Then you just got to sick to even be around.

Knowing your not here anymore hit me really hard today in the car. I got in the car, and this song was playing on a station that i don't even listen to- so I have no idea how it was there. I smiled at the thought, but lost control and cried my eyes out. I remember years ago when I got the karaoke machine for my birthday. You used to sing the song "against all odds" I'll never forget.

I'm sorry I couldn't be there more. I'm sorry you were in pain. I'm sorry you died alone, but I hope you know and never forget how much I love you. You will always be with me, and I will never let anyone ever say anything bad about you. I love you JamieLynn. Forever.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010


I can't eat, i can't sleep.. I can't stop crying... I can't make myself get out of bed. I just can't believe it.

During my spring break, while I was home in Buffalo, not only was I dealing with my emotions over the guy who doesn't want me, but I had to deal with my ex instigating and making fun of me, making a fool of me. I'm embarrassed to say the least. At the end of my trip Sunday March 14th, the day I'm supposed to pack and return to NC... my phone rang, and I was told my 29 year old cousin JamieLynn was found dead. I got on the plane, crying, sick... came back to NC-- got my mom and 8 year old brother and drove back to NY... I'm devastated. The Funeral was on the 18th... and none of it seems real. She left behind 2 beautiful children... Claudia who turns 11 on the 29th of this month, and Naji who is only 6. I held on to Naji so tight at the funeral and cried and cried my eyes out. Hes so innocent and had no idea what was going on. Could not even begin to comprehend his mother was laying in a casket in front of him. He was the happiest most joyful little thing I've ever seen in my life standing in a room full of crying miserable people. I just can't believe it. He doesn't understand... and I feel so bad. Claudia barely spoke. She sat there with a picture of her and her mother in her hand from 2pm when the viewings started til 10pm when the service ended and everyone was saying their goodbyes. It makes me sick.

I lost my cousin Josh on July 20th, 2008 at the age of 23. I've now lost another cousin JamieLynn on March 14th, 2010 at the age of 29. It's bad losing people in any situation, but I'm having a very hard time with this. Jamie and Josh were the 2 cousins I grew up with... they were the only 2 closest family members that I had, and now their both gone. I can't even begin to explain the feelings I have. I'm so worried about the way I feel and wanting more than what I have and now 2 very important people are gone. I just can't deal with it right now. I'm hurting... I'm hurting because I want love, I'm hurting because of my losses... and all at the same time I am SELFISH because I'm thinking about myself... how I feel. How could they leave me???

I just feel so lost...

Saturday, March 6, 2010

"just friends" to nothing at all...

It was bad enough expressing my feelings to someone and being rejected... then to have to turn around a couple days later after accepting that there was nothing more but "friendship" to get slapped in the face again, and have him tell me he was done with me because i took life too seriously and he wanted to delete and erase everything and forget I ever existed. Why me? What do I do to people? Don't I deserve some kind of happiness. It's not fair. I'm flying home to Buffalo tomorrow afternoon, and for what? all the plans made with this "friend" is ruined because he doesn't want to see me ever again.

I need to forget about it all and just do me i guess. I want a relationship. I want someone to have an understanding of the way I live me life and I want them to care about me. I haven't had a serious relationship in over 3 years. Do i not deserve to be happy?

to make matters worse, I know I'm not as attractive as i once was, and my weight is the issue. Never have I gone out and not gotten hollar'd at. I got out of the car and these guys were there... talkin some mess, and I turned around and said "what" and they all said "not you, her" meaning my friend. I was really upset, because I've never ever experienced that in my life. It's depressing and after the night i've had i have literally spent all of my saturday crying and sleeping. I hate the point that I'm at in life. Nobody wants me, I'm stressed beyond belief, I'm not happy with the way I look... I'm not happy. I need to do something about it.... Nobody can change it but me... so it is what it is... I don't want to fly to Buffalo, but I will, and when I come back from spring break, I need to have some kind of plan to better myself. I'm just so hurt... it's all i think about- everything I'm not.

This sucks. I'm not like other girls. Every body takes advantage of that.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

.Every time I see him.
Everyday he walks in...
with some fly blue suit and his cuff links are shining.
I feel like Alicia, and I just wanna sing "Baby, Baby, Baby"
He sets my soul on fire.
His shirt is pressed, and he smells so good,
but under the fragrance there's a touch of a familiar smell. I grin.
I won't even get into that.
His name spells t-r-o-u-b-l-e.
I keep my distance.
His skin is so beautiful...
So dark, so not like mine.
And as we sit there, he slides his hand over mine. It's so soft.
Not the hand of a hard working man. He's well kept.
As I pull my hand away he smiles that smile...
The smile of an Angel, Halo
The one that can't be resisted. The one with a glow.
I feel like Beyonce saying remember those walls I built
damn baby...they are tumbling down, but only I'm fighting it
I find myself lost in thought... wondering....

My time is up, my thoughts interrupted
I grab my things, get up from the desk and walk away...
I turn slightly, and glance back with a smile and continue to walk
No words spoken, but thoughts understood.

He follows me out, and yells "Yo B"
I ignore it, knowing good and well it's not for me.
I know the sound of his voice, when he leans over to whisper.
He yells again "Yo B.... Beyonce"
Only this time, I stopped to look
He says " I knew you knew I was talkin to you, Yo B, I'll be your Jay
if only you'll allow."
And now he's flowin some line like Jay and his girls, girls, girls

"I got this Indian squaw the day that I met her
Asked her what tribe she with, red dot or feather
She said all you need to know is I'm not a ho
And to get with me you better be Chief Lots-a-Dough"

I'm laughin and sayin negro please...
He says all I wanted to see was that smile
The one before was just a tease
He's got me wondering what could be.
In the back of my mind, I'm asking is leaving for me?
He says we could be like Bonnie and Clyde.
and I'm here when you decide.

But my minds made up, this chapter is over.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

It's a New Month

I am so glad this is the last week of classes, and Friday starts spring break. BUT why is it that during this week professors load you up with homework, papers, and tests beyond belief? I just need to get through this week because Sunday.... I am outta here.

I'm going to be spending my Spring Break in Buffalo... but it's not like it'll be a big vacation. I have tons of stuff I need to do since I will be returning there for good this May. I'm going to be living with my grandparents at first, so I need to clean out the room I'll be staying in and take down the ugly wallpaper that's been there since the 60's lol and I need to paint and patch up a few things. Get some furniture moved in... and that way when I come home in May, I'll just have to worry about clothes, shoes, and everyday stuff. Hopefully it will only take me a day or two because I'd really like to spend the rest of the days doing NOTHING. My friends babyshower is also that week, so I'll have somethings to do there... but other than that... the way i see it, I will be sittin on my butt with my feet kicked up!

I've given up on this "diet" that I was on- it sucks. I always start off well, and then get caught up and stressed out with school, and other personal issues that my emotional release is through food, and forcing myself to workout is an understatement when it's something I hate doing. I just can't continue the motivational aspects to keep myself on the treadmill, and then I have the days where I just plain out do not want to! Ultimately- the only goal I can set for myself and focus on working on overall is to lose 15 pounds. I'd like to have the 15 pounds gone by graduation, but that is going to involve time and work... and I'm not so committed right now. I'm down about myself and my personal life... and I can't find any kind of pick me up.

I've made a fool of myself repeatedly and expressed my feelings toward a person and let him know that I really liked him... and in return he said he liked me, but just wanted to be friends. Nothing like being rejected... I try to stay optimistic like maybe his feelings might change because we get along really good and he flirts with me, and says cutesy things, but I think he's afraid of if he had to commit. I guess I'm too young to be tied down, but I'm too old to be runnin around with more than one guy, and quite frankly I find the sleeping around part in poor taste. I just don't do it. I guess I'm so down about it because no one ever wants to hear "lets just be friends" when they have feelings for the other person.... and based on my previous relationships I have a lot of self image issues so I feel like I'm too fat for him, or not pretty enough. He says I'm beautiful... but if I'm so beautiful, and such a great person... what keeps you from wanting to be with me? I don't know... I wish I understood. My experience in relationships is far and in between the average person. It takes a lot for me to commit, and it takes a lot for me to get up the nerve to express if I like someone and want to be MORE than just friends.... So, I'm really dying inside feeling like there's something wrong with me, and I'm pretty sure it's my weight... that keeps the guy wanting to only be friends. I'll never know. He said it's because he doesn't want a long distance relationship- and that I understand, but I'll be back in Buffalo in 2 months... and then He knows I'm coming home for my spring break and I was implying that I wanted to see him a lot and joking about hanging out everyday and he was just like "maybe we'll see" I don't know why I bother... I'm not what he wants. I guess my best bet is to move on... but after getting up the nerve to say I like you and have liked you, and am interested in seeing you/ dating you etc.... giving up and moving on seems like such failure. When I was a size 8... I was never turned down. I never had this problem... I didn't understand what it was like to be rejected. Why can't I get it together enough to go back to that world. I want to look good for the man that will love me, and I want to keep myself up for him, and I want him to be proud of what I look like, the person I am and my accomplishments.... I don't think this guy would me. Not in how I look now... but why can't i get myself together enough to do something about it???

What to do..... get passed this week and see what happens... I guess.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Thank Goodness for the weekend

It's been a little while since my last post. I've been super stressed in addition to pms'ing- I've been in major bitch mode, and I'm very disappointed with weightloss progress. It's going and getting no where. I'm 1.2 pounds lighter. Thats about all I can say. lol I hate working out. I have to force myself to do it... I guess I'm going to have to force myself to do more of it as well, because whatever I'm doing just isn't kicking me into weightloss mode. But then again, stress is overtaking.

I had a complete meltdown the other it's kind of funny now, but I was crying and etc. because I'm under a lot of pressure. This semester of 21 credit hours seems a lot harder for some reason. I was doing some paperwork for the college I am transferring to this summer, and became extremely overwhelmed with all of it, and the requirements I need to complete for dental school. In fact, because of all these additional prereq's. I may be set back a year longer than I intended. I can only hope for the best. I guess if I'm finished with all my schooling and a doctor of dentistry by the time I'm 30, then I guess I should consider myself as successful. Is a year really going to make that much of a difference in my life? I don't know, but ultimately I broke down because of all of these thoughts. I did a little research and found that on average, people don't complete dental school and start their career until around the age of 30. So I will just fall into the average category... I don't know. I am still stressed about it. I need a real job. I need to be able to make real money as well. lol I need to get a place of my own to call "home" I just feel like being 24 and living at home is getting to be too much. I know my parents want me at home, but I don't consider myself a child, and see all my friends that are 24 married with kids and buying homes, and I question myself on where I've gone wrong in my life? I have no serious relationship to even consider marriage. I have no children, I'm not even in graduate school yet. When will I have time for all these things?

I won't even be able to begin a family until I'm 30... It honestly makes me sad, because it's someting I want. I'm clearly not at any stage in life to be having children or a husband, but for some reason I feel like by the time I'm 30, its just too old to start that life. In reality, I won't even be starting that life at 30. At 30 I'll just be finishing school and getting started with my career. Maybe the kids and husband aren't apart of the picture for oh well. I made my choices and school was where I chose to go in life versuses working on relationships.... Guess I'm tired of being in a loveless relationship I call school!... well it's not even that. I love going to school because I know its going to get me where I want to be in life, however, i don't love the stress it puts on me, and it doesn't necessarily love me back... it doesn't comfort me when I'm sad or stressed or having a meltdown.... it's generally the

I just wonder when my time for true happiness is going to come. Will I ever find a person that is going to love me, and respect me, and support me when I need them.... or am I going to have to continue to count on myself for everything I need. I have my family yes. But it's not the same as having a significant other. I dislike seeing that all my "friends" have the things I want- minus the education... they chose husbands and babies, and I chose education and money. So ultimately who's happier in the end... me or them?

I'm glad its the weekend, but I still have a lot of things to do. I also need to force myself to exercise today and tomorrow. I guess something is better than nothing!

Hope you all are well.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Snowed In Weekend.

So, This weekend pretty much sucked. I'm not complaining that I got a snow day on Friday and didn't have to go to any of my classes... in fact it was great, but friday afternoon we lost our cable and internet... then around 4pm we lost our power which wasn't restored until sometime around 10pm. We froze to death!! But I was thankful for it to come back on. Now it's Sunday, I had TONS of homework to do, but was not able to thanks to my cable/internet being out. The cable and my internet just came back on an hour ago. It's time for me to get to work...

I'm missing Mr. Text Message, but UGH!!! Forget it. He's not worth it!

I'm kind of in a bored, sad, bad mood. Nothing is going my way. I'm stressed with all the homework I need to do. I've been stuck in the house and all I've done is eat. This weightloss thing is not working for me. I need to find some kind of motivation. I was really motivated for about a week and then I completely lost it! oh well... hope you all had a good weekend.

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Somewhat Accomplished

I've been snowed in all weekend. The streets/roads are still crappy, but my classes are only delayed until 11am. THANKS... lol still gives me enough time to drive to school for my test at 12. I was hoping for a snow day... I could've used an extra day this weekend. Oh well, Just make the best of it!

Anywho... I got 40 of my friend's baby shower invitations completed. I spent 2 days coming up with a design and then putting them together. I love them :) I still have another 45 to make, but now that I got it down to an art the rest will be a breeze. Everything is printed and made... now it's just for gluing everything together and letting them dry. Their made from Stampin' Up stamps and some ribbon from Michaels. Here's some pics.

I think their pretty cute. Simple, but cute. The most time consuming part was cutting all the paper & ribbons and fitting it where it needed to be fit not to mention, coloring in 85 carriages. LOL. But at least the complicated part is done. I should have them done by Monday or Tuesday then I can mail them off to the friend, and be done with it! I'm glad, that's one less thing I need to worry about. Now, I can go back to focusing on my school work! Before bed, I have 3 online quizzes to complete and then I need to study for my Learning and Motivation test. So That's what I'll be doing for the rest of the evening.

Hope everyone is enjoying the *snow* in their area. I love it!!! :)

Thursday, January 28, 2010

You Make Me LAUGH!

Sometimes I feel like I live in a soap opera. Everyday it's something new, but fueled by old drama... now with the word OLD being there, you assume that it's past tense... and it is... lol It's in my past. Why can't it be in yours? As if, slandering my name all over places like Myspace, and facebook aren't bad enough... lets post "flows" on comments about me. Funny, Funny. I'm not addressing this publicly, I'm venting in my blog because... the least they know gets to me... the better off I am in the end! I wish that a certain someone would just leave it alone and let it be. We tried the relationship route, it didn't work. He cheated on me, and abused me mentally, physically, and emotionally. I tried to put all that behind me and let it go, so we tried the friend route, that only led to more problems... So JUST LET IT BE!!!

I may be a lot of things... I'm fine with you expressing your feelings in calling me a fat bitch, and its no secret, I'm overweight and insecure about my weight... Call me that, so be it... I may be crazy, sure, but you pushed me and provoked me to lash out irrationally. You thought my emotions were a game! But one thing I am not... is a Whore! It's funny how that could be said, when all I can say is if that isn't calling the kettle black... then I do not know what is. It's always a game, I'm always the "loser" the one below my opponent. I'm just so tired of this! Can't you just leave me alone. I tried so hard because I thought after years of what we had gone through together that we could be friends. I've sacrificed my own life, my family, my friends, and even my self respect to keep you happy... It's just not worth it! I can't take it. I learned you, over the years I learned you very well. But I'm so tired of things being so ONE sided. It's always your way, your story, your "truth" and I'm just the "dumb fat white bitch." I appreciate you going out and telling different guys to sleep with me, and posting my personal business and our past personal sex life in what you think is a mastermind "flow" on myspace. WHY? I have nothing to say about you.

I know you well enough, to know and admit that YES, when it comes to you, I made one mistake! You bad mouth me constantly, and hurt my feelings, and then you want to tell me that you have another female in your life (like it affects me) and she wants to beat my ass (why? because your telling her about me, and blatantly LYING to someone who DOES NOT EVEN KNOW ME) Then you want to tell me how it's sad that I'm so lonely and have no one in my life... and then you want to tell me that without a doubt I'm going to settle. I should've bit my tongue and let it go but in return, I did tell you "Well don't we all settle at some point- including your sister... she settled too and married an abusive controlling man" I should've just kept my mouth shut, but it's unfair- YOU can put me down, and put my family down... and the minute I say something in return about anyone you know... you're out to get me. I knew better. I did, but as some point enough is enough! YOU are NOT going to walk all over me anymore. I do not appreciate the things you have to say about me, and YOU let it be known about all the "skinny" bitches you cheated on me with. I was a fool, everyone who knows me and knows you, knows that I let you walk all over me. But that was then. Since then, I've done nothing, but try to take the high road. I try not to speak of you or about you. I try to forget that an "us" ever existed. You tell me I'm the one with the problem... but you do nothing but push and push and push, and provoke me until I do something about it, and the minute I do- you always want to call my parents and lie to them, tell them I'm pregnant with your baby (when you know they hate you for all the trouble you've caused) then you want to put me down to everyone!!! You bring nothing but turmoil to my life. You won't leave me alone, but constantly remind me that I'm not good enough for you, I'm not skinny enough for you and your 280 pound 6 foot self. I tried to be civil, I really did. You said you wanted to be friends and you wanted to meet out so we could talk, and I met you out- and you set me up, to get jumped by that girl! You stood there and watched her beat my ass, I won't even lie about that, but that was the last straw, you didn't care that I was bleeding from the beer bottle she broke and cut me with... infact u supplied it and laughed. So fine, let everyone know that too, as you already post and tell everyone about. I really hate you. I tried to forgive you, because I know you have problems of your own, that need to psychologically evaluated... But then you threatened my grandparents... and that hurt me more than any of the abuse you've ever done to me. You play mind games with me... to get me to talk to you, and be friends with you... out of FEAR that you'll start problems with my family. Please just let me go.... if you ever loved me at all... LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!

Now, I know you know "Mr. Text Message" - I know he's a mutual friend of ours, but how could you post such vulgar things about me on his Myspace... and what pisses me off even more... Mr. Text Message- HOW COULD YOU LEAVE THEM THERE WHEN I ASKED YOU TO REMOVE THEM!!!!!!!! AND YOU CALL YOURSELF MY FRIEND!!!! I'm throwing in the towel. Game over... you all win. I hope you sleep well at night. I hope you both enjoy hurting me, and publicly humiliating me. I appreciate everything. You've brought such clarity to my life.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Just Beautiful!

The last few days, I've been feeling really good. I've been going to bed early (but sort of slacking on my homework- i'll have to do double time this weekend, but that's ok, the sleep feels wonderful) I actually feel good!

Sunday was an interesting day for me. I didn't sleep that well thinking about the things people do. I decided to say F' it, and put the negativity to good use.
I decided that since there was suddenly so many people that dislike me, and want to put my name all over myspace and facebook bad mouthing me... that I wouldn't bother to even let it get to me. I'm sick and tired of people that want to hurt others while their down to make matters worse, and then turn around and still wanna stab you in the back and kick you because your happy and they are not. (Men, past men... no longer my present of future.) I don't know what it is... is it necessary to constantly call me a "fat bitch" and then post it all over myspace? Like can't you come with something more original... My dear friend-ex- my nothing of the last 8 years. I remember when I loved him... it's funny, He was my first love and a small part of me will always hold him in my heart just because he was the first person I chose to make adult decisions with, and chose to give my heart to. There was a lesson learned in that. But the abuse, I will NOT stand for. I did at one point, because I thought that it was what I deserved. However... I deserve better than he could ever give me. Sometimes i feel like he's jealous. Not of my relationships- because I have none, yet, and that is ok with me. But I feel like he's jealous of my accomplishments and the life I live. I'm working on finishing my THIRD college degree when he doesn't even have one. He hates that I'm at A&T- he thinks its just another way for me to "want to be black"- No offence to the black race, but I do not want to be black. I am very happy with the color I am, and I do not in anyway try to be something I am not. I am who I am. Now forgive me for even going there, but have you ever seen those white girls that got their hair all weaved and braided up, dress in only rockawear, dereon, baby phat, etc... and think their hood... and oh lord, when they open their mouthes they even sound more ridiculous than they look!!! That's not me.. Or the white girls that approach black men and wanna talk about how their up on black culture because they listen to 50 cent and Young Jeezy.. or Gucci man... Again, that's not me. I'm me. So granted I go to A&T, but this was my choice. I'm happy with my choice. There was no intentions of "wanting to be black" or "blacker" for that At the end of the day it's not worth it. Aside for the Administration errors I am faced with at A&T, I am very proud to be an Aggie, and can honestly say, I have learned a lot here. I've learned higher education, yes. But I've also learned personal values. I've accepted things and have been instilled with Pride. Nobody can break me down and make me believe otherwise. Sorry for the sake of him, but that's how it is.
As for the negativity and the lack of support, I've used it in my favor. I have my own issues and insecure with my body image, but in all honesty... there's nothing about me that cannot be fixed. I struggle with my weight. I always have since I was a child. Some people say that Obesity is a choice, and in some cases it may be. I however, believe that it is in some cases genetic as well. You cannot help your health problems that have been passed on to you from your family genes. My mother had undergone Gastric Bypass 2 years ago, and I must say, it is probably the best thing that she has ever done for herself. She too struggled with her weight. Through having the surgery, they found additional health problems that had nothing to do with her weight, that they tend to blame on "being obese" so- with that said, I'm happy she's had the surgery and now knows the value of eating healthier and living longer. Now, I'm not in a place where I need to undergo weightloss surgery, I do not want to get to that point either. Since Monday, I've tried to eat healthier and I have worked out and done cardio everyday thus far. The last time I blogged about weightloss I set a goal of losing 14.2 pounds. Since then, I have lost 3.8 pounds. Monday I walked 1 mile, just to kind of force my body into some kind of movement-- to make an attempt to get into a routine. Tuesday I walked 2 miles, and jogged a little bit. It's hard for me to jog/run, I'm not in shape for one, and two it's rough on my ankle. But I intend on shaping that up too. I want to be in a place where I'm healthy and strong enough to run in a 5K or something.... (i think thats what its called) But baby steps... a day at a time. I decided that this week would only involve cardio, I have to get my body used to it. I got in a situation where I was sort of depressed, and didn't want to do anything productive... so I sat on my butt- TALKED about exercising and losing weight, but mostly sat in front of the computer or doing homework. I have a lot going on this semester, but there's no excuse for not taking 30 minutes to an hour to do something to better myself health/physical wise.
So that's that. Mr. Text message is out of the question too. Out of no where he said that he didn't want to talk to me every again because he was no longer interested in me like that. Then, the following day (tuesday) he said that maybe him n I could start over but not right now.... well forget it, because one I have no idea what I did for him to even be acting this way, and two, I don't need it, I don't need him or his friendship... so peace out! LOL maybe later, when he's finished doing whatever he's doing with somebody else, then he'll come back... PLEASE whatever. Better him be gone, then playing with my emotions on a day to day basis because he doesn't know what he wants to do with his life. I guess it's just meant for me to enjoy my single days, and maybe i'll meet somebody on my level in dental school.

Well, that's all for me. It's 11:50 and I have class at 12:00 so I have to get out off here, and head to my next class. Have a great day!

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Lonely Sunday...

I pretty much spent all of today... alone, and by myself. It's been ok, I was able to get some homework done. Not as much as I had intended to get done, but at least I managed to complete some of it.

I was actually in a pretty good mood, until a friend wanted to take his frustrations out on me I guess... What is it with people? He text me, and I text him back and in return asked him why he was being short with me, and he said no reason... another short answer which is not at all like him. I asked him what was wrong with him and again he said nothing... so I was like ok, I'll c ya I'm not gonna bother you...and he responds with "whatever" now I know him well enough to know that when he says whatever its a sarcastic tone, but why the hell am I going to continue to conversate with someone who is clearly in a mood, and being short with me... NOW HE TEXT me first!!! so i responded... don't bother texting me if your going to give me 1-2 word answers... just don't waste my time, and definitely don't bother me if your in a bad mood, because I'm now in a bad mood.... His last text said "wow i dont know what your problem is but i dont have one you wanna act like that don't bother talking to me ever again" -- so heres my thing, if you intentionally text me to start an argument and say were never going to talk again... why couldn't you just be straight forward about it rather than starting a un-needed argument about what i don't even know!!!!! Why because I said that I didn't have time for him being short with me?? UGH!!! Why even bother... it is what it is... and all I have to say is ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST!

So, I went to the store this afternoon, and bought the supplies to make these homemade shower invitations, but I'm not going all out. I bought very basic supplies. I've known this girl for 10 years now... and I'm going to make them... I expect nothing in return. I also decided I wasn't going to buy her anything more than what I did and I honestly only spent $28 on the clearance baby clothes, and maybe another 15-20 on the supplies for these cards. I'm not being cheap... I'm just still not totally sold on her apology. We had a falling out... some things got said, and I truthfully do not care if her hormones are off balance or whatever her case may be. As far as considering her my friend... nah... I no longer trust her.... I confronted her on the issue at hand, and that's when our big blow out occurred and things were said that I just can't forgive. I'll let it go, but as far as the friendship we had 5 years ago or even a year ago... is not going to happen. My feelings were hurt... Now, in the past I have dated black men, but thats not my preference. In fact I don't believe in that nonsense for myself- maybe someone else does- but to each their own. I have absolutely no problem dating a white man... if that is the case so be it! However, I went out with a friend- who is a white guy- and my so called "best friend" sent him a text message when he was out with me and said "don't get too attached- she only dates ni****rs" Now, you can fill in the blank letters if you want, BUT contrary to her choice of words I DO NOT use that word at all. Now, I understand that people have their own opinions, but if your my best friend, your going to accept me for all my choices... and no you dont have to agree with them. Also, the guy didn't even have to show me this text message, but he did- and quite honestly I'm glad he did, because it's nice to know what people have to say about you after 10 yrs of friendship... I can't forgive her for that. But for her to say that to him, I don't see the point- she didn't know him and I were out together... she has nothing to do with him anyways... we had all gone to school together so we were all mutual friends... the only thing that i can think of is maybe there's jealousy issues... but there shouldn't be... she's pregnant by another man, and a few years ago when he asked her out on a date- she turned him down for her childs father... and he went on to find another girl... now I'm not saying anything will happen between me and the guy because its hard for me to picture him 24 yrs old when I remember him when we were 13....LOL but still- it's not her place... and she is not in control of my life. I friendship can't be fixed, but I'm not the type to hold grudges... I'll do her invites, and give her the gift I bought.... I'll see her occassionally, but we wont be hanging out... My life is going in a different directions, my friends are going to change. She chose to quit school and only complete her GED... now shes having a baby by a guy who I won't even call a man because he's not... he's 27 with nothing to offer. I'm not saying that I'm better than or above anyone... but the company I keep will change drastically in my professionalism. It's just a fact of life. Besides... that knife cut far too deep with her especially considering I made the choice to go to an all black university... and I'm very well accepted- and no one, none of them have to accept me at all. That is a black establishment. I'm thankful for the opportunities I've been given there, and I'm thankful for all the people I've met, I truly believe that I've become a better more well rounded person because of it... that's something that this "friend" will never experience or understand. Close minded people get no where in life. I am who I am, and I see no color. Love has no color... so she can really go on with all her nonsense. It's sad that she's like this, and she's going to want our friendship back.. but it'll never be the same.

I have a busy day tomorrow. 3 classes and another meeting with the chair of the psch dept. about my independent study... and home for homework and studying... 4 tests this week- what a nightmare!

Goodnight all.

Saturday, January 23, 2010


So, if it's not one thing, it is always another.


So, I managed to get everything completed with school, and I handed in my graduation App on the 20th. However, I was 1 credit short of the required 124 hours. So I had to ADD another class to my schedule. As if 18 credit hours isn't enough, I am now taking 21. The class I added is an Independent study... but I'm just at my limit. I love A&T, but the staff is a nightmare... Now, I have to wait for my Audit, and PRAY they approve me for everything because I plan to graduate May 8th. There's not really any reason for them not to approve me... but who knows there's a discrepancy between the program change and what I was told to use and what they want me to use now... but that's not my fault if I was misinformed. either way, I completed the old program curriculum, which is more classes, but whatever it doesn't matter. Hopefully, I'm done. Now, I'm working on coming up with a topic for my Independent study that I need to take in front of the psych board and get them to approve my research. I'm not very into this.... but if it means graduating... I will do what I need to. I think I'm going to do survey research on Dental phobia... since I plan to go to dental school... which let me touch on that issue for a minute... Now, I went to the chair of the psych dept. who approved me for the independent study... he asked what my interest was in psychology... and I told him that I didn't have a main interest. My goal was to obtain a bachelor's to go to dental school... he seemed VERY upset that I wasn't pursuing a career in psychology... but it's my life, i know what my educational and career goals are. Don't get me wrong, psych has and will benefit me, but it's not my calling... it's just not. But I was a little disappointed in the way I was treated considering, my pathway was dental school and not a masters/ph.d in psych... so now I feel like I've been put under a microscope to be evaluated very heavily for this research. Oh well- all I have to say is watch me do the damn thing!!!

On another note, I've had a pretty busy Saturday, I did some shopping. I now have ANOTHER project in addition to my 21 credit hours... lord have mercy... My friend is having a baby in April, and her baby shower is in March... she asked me to make the invitations, and I said yes... but I have to make 85 homemade invites by the last week of February.... So I kind of have my work cut out for me! Me & this friend haven't exactly been on the best of terms either... so I'm sort of going out on a limb for her. I bought her baby shower gift today while I was out too... so I completely got that out of the way. And not that I'm being cheap or anything, but I did buy things that were on sale/clearance... being cheaper allowed me to buy greater quantity... I was going to buy a large item, but I figure I would get some small stuff, and then wait until after the baby was born and see what she gets from this baby shower and then buy something she didn't get. but if she has 85 guests (which I doubt will show up) she might get all she needs... We will see.

I came home from shopping and spent the evening rearranging the livingroom. I decided that it's time to get to work! I moved around some furniture and moved the treadmill into a area where it's out of the way, but will be no reason for me not to get on it! I put the weights and exercise ball in the room too. My goal is to put this stuff to use. I stepped on the scale yesterday and decided that there is no more messing around!!! I set my first goal, and that is to lose 14.2 pounds and once I get there I will set my next goal... I did go out on a limb and purchase Jillian Michael's diet detox/cleanse... so we'll see... It's like a 14 day thing that's guaranteed to work... so I started that today.

I wanted to do homework, but it's already 11:30pm and I am exhausted from cleaning and moving heavy furniture and treadmills around... plus the shopping. I should really try to go to bed somewhat early and get up at a decent hour instead of sleeping in and get some laundry done, and work on my homework. I have a test Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday & Friday.... so It's going to be a busy week!! I also wanted to put together my proposal tomorrow for my independent study on dental phobia to turn in on monday. the sooner I get this going, the sooner I can get it out of the way and turn it in!!

Anyway... that's about it for me. Hope you all are well.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

In a Mood

I don't know what mood exactly, I just know that people have helped put me there. For starters, We all have pasts. Do we not? Why must we dwell on them? Some people just thrive off of misery. I can't forgive you and move on, but no, I don't forget. I forgave with attempt to have a friendship... after 10 years and the amount of things that has gone through, I feel like we should be mature enough to turn the other cheek, and start a new chapter... But it seems like that is just absolutely impossible for some people. I really just need to walk away and say the hell with it because in 10 years we've gotten know where, this half ass friendship we have is worthless, and I'm tired of dealing with the stress.

I have faults, I have a past, I've made mistakes, but is there a constant need to remind a person of these things, and rub it in their face? I don't think so. I think I need to re-evaluate some people in my life and just let them go. It takes too much time and energy to try to be civil with people who don't really appreciate you at the end of the day... It's just time to move forward.

I continuously make promises to myself... and then I break them. I really need to have more faith in myself. I need to care about myself more. I need to maintain my promises and goals in keeping myself healthy.... not just physically but mentally and emotionally as well. I have enough stress with school, let alone having bad company in my life that add to it, and then I end up feeling like "THIS" (whatever this is). I don't like it, because it's a lonely unappreciated feeling. I don't know, I can't really describe it. But enough of this... I'll figure it out.


I managed to get my transcript all worked out last week, so I went and got the application for graduation, and have one last appointment with the dean of the Psych department, and then I am good to hand it in to the registrar's office. And pretty much, I have my ducks all lined up in a row to graduate in May. I'm going to pass all my classes this semester so I am not too worried about it. There's no reason for me not to. I'm pretty excited for the most part. January is almost over, and then I have the month of February... and then Spring break in March, and then my last day of classes is April 30th.... this time is going to fly. There will be lots of big changes for me. It's such a bitter sweet feeling. I'll be leaving North Carolina. I've been here since I was 16. I've had many ups and downs and grown into a mature adult here. I have good memories and I have bad, and though I'm excited to finally be going home... I'm also very sad as well. I just don't know any other way to describe than by saying it will be Bitter sweet.

I'm in the oddest of moods... I'm angry with a so called friend... tired of crying and fighting for things that just aren't worth the trouble... sad because of changes in my life even though for the most part they are going to be good... I'm bored, and don't want to do anything (how is that possible) I'd rather just lay in bed and mope around... I've been very unproductive today due to how I'm feeling. Maybe I can just make myself a cup of hot chocolate and enjoy some movies... Maybe get a few things done tonight. I should at least do an hour with of productive work just so that this day isn't a complete waste.

As for my health I'm debating on WW again. I hate doing it, well I shouldn't say that I hate it... I just get to a point where I get bored with it and I get off track and quit following it. I just don't know. At one point I had a workout regimen that I followed that was awesome for me, but I have no idea what I've done with it, so I need to come up with something remotely similar. I need to figure out the weights/toning thing again... I'm good with cardio I have lots of info on cardio... it's just the weights I never know what to do. I hate my calves because I feel like their big, so I hate to do anything with my legs because I fear my calves becoming bigger... but at the same time, I need leg workouts to strengthen my legs due to the muscle/nerve damage from my car accident in 2004. My right leg is slightly larger than my left... I'm also right side dominant, so thats one reason, but my right leg is also what got it worst in the car accident for theres always lots of swelling all these years later! My arms, I hate I feel like their so fat that I have no other choice but to wear long sleeves to cover them up. lol not so much my forearms... so I'm usually in a 3/4 length shirt... just to cover what the plastic surgeons call "bat wings" Im so insecure to the point where I've actually looked into dealing with the scars and just cutting the skin off! It's terrible. So I need to figure out how to tone those areas of the body and make my skin shrink up!!! Anyway... I believe I am done complaining for today so I will end here.

Hope you all are well.

(This picture to the right shows my calves that I hate entirely too much- I'm the one on the right with the black & teal blue shoes)

(and in this pic I'm in the leopard shirt... you can clearly see my fat arms- its a nightmare... I need to get to work on improving myself!!!)

Monday, January 11, 2010


So, I've been to all of my classes and so far I'm liking all of them. I think they were good choices this semester. The only class I'm really ify on is Math... I've never been good in Math and I was under the impression that I had taken all my required math classes... but my bubble was burst when I realized I had to take ONE MORE. I pray that I can make it It's a struggle. I wanted an A semester... I've never had an A in math... I can only try my absolute best and stay hopeful because it's just the beginning.

I haven't started my fitness goals/plan... I've been too sick to even get out of bed. I spent all weekend in bed medicated... spent today medicated at well... dragging myself from building to building wishing for the day to be over. I can't wait until I lose this cold!!!!

Anyway, I hope everyone is feeling well these days!

Thursday, January 7, 2010

New Do :)

I got my hair done Wednesday... I'm no longer blonde... I miss it, but I think I really like the way my hair is now... even though I do love my blonde, brunette and red is just as nice.

Today was the first day of classes... it wasn't so bad. I only had to be there 9:30-12:15...Thank goodness because I am feeling terrible. In fact I'm about to take some nyquil and get into bed. I was hoping I wouldn't get sick this year, and dontcha know... I get sick! ugh... just my luck. I have 3 classes tomorrow. I'll be on campus from 10am until 2pm... I have an hour break too, so its not bad, but what a waste of an hour! maybe I'll go for a walk and get some exercise in or something providing I feel better. Monday, I am going to get things straightened out with Admissions... No exceptions. I plan to be there until they close if I have to be!! I need to get my stuff taken care of. The sooner its done the less I have to worry about!

Well, that's it for me... to bed I go! Hope you all are well.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010


Its the first month of a new year. I haven't done too much. I've actually just been relaxing til the semester starts on Thursday. I have SO MUCH to do. I'm supposed to graduate in May. I have to have all my stuff together and apply for graduation by Jan 27th. Right now, I've run into some problems because my transcript is only showing one Associate's Degree when in actuality I have TWO. So I'm not showing those additional classes or credits. I know I have enough to graduate... As of Thursday, I have 20 days to get everything in order, and I'm telling you...LOL it better get in order quick or it might get ugly!

I'm crocheting a blanket for a friend of mine who's having a baby, so that's actually been keeping me occupied.. it's therapeutic in a way too. It keeps me from all the bored trips to the fridge of food cabinets.

I have a hair appointment tomorrow, and I have to go to the bank, and run some other errands... so it will be a busy day. I wish I had a longer vacation. I'm not ready to go back.... then again I'm so ready to get it over. My LAST semester as an Undergrad.... Never thought I'd see

Hope all is well.