Saturday, March 6, 2010

"just friends" to nothing at all...

It was bad enough expressing my feelings to someone and being rejected... then to have to turn around a couple days later after accepting that there was nothing more but "friendship" to get slapped in the face again, and have him tell me he was done with me because i took life too seriously and he wanted to delete and erase everything and forget I ever existed. Why me? What do I do to people? Don't I deserve some kind of happiness. It's not fair. I'm flying home to Buffalo tomorrow afternoon, and for what? all the plans made with this "friend" is ruined because he doesn't want to see me ever again.

I need to forget about it all and just do me i guess. I want a relationship. I want someone to have an understanding of the way I live me life and I want them to care about me. I haven't had a serious relationship in over 3 years. Do i not deserve to be happy?

to make matters worse, I know I'm not as attractive as i once was, and my weight is the issue. Never have I gone out and not gotten hollar'd at. I got out of the car and these guys were there... talkin some mess, and I turned around and said "what" and they all said "not you, her" meaning my friend. I was really upset, because I've never ever experienced that in my life. It's depressing and after the night i've had i have literally spent all of my saturday crying and sleeping. I hate the point that I'm at in life. Nobody wants me, I'm stressed beyond belief, I'm not happy with the way I look... I'm not happy. I need to do something about it.... Nobody can change it but me... so it is what it is... I don't want to fly to Buffalo, but I will, and when I come back from spring break, I need to have some kind of plan to better myself. I'm just so hurt... it's all i think about- everything I'm not.

This sucks. I'm not like other girls. Every body takes advantage of that.


Big Mark 243 said...


This is like the bread holding the meat of a sandwich for me. When I was a teenager, I never felt that I was ever going to have a date, much less go to prom. No one was interested in me save two girls. One was my girlfriend and that went awry when her family didn't like where I came from, a blue collar family. The other girl was a typical crush between two people on the outside of the cliques. We weren't 'cute' enough for other people, so why not settle for each other.

Upon graduation, I was already signed up for the military. I had weighed my option on a LOT of things, but the one thing that I find haunting me the most, is the decision I had made regarding relationships.

I figured it would happen and that I wasn't going to press about it. Enough girls had told me 'what I wasn't'. That was cool, because I didn't want to be what they were looking for anyway!! I sorta edited what I meant when I talked about sista girls still wanting the hood kind of guys... but that is a MUCH LONGER conversation! I have been running off at the mouth with you, lately. And that is a digression.

Because though I left home thinking that life was going to be a solo journey (which, let me tell you, I WAS SO COOL WITH) in the Army, things changed. I don't think that I did... in fact I know that I didn't. The reason that me and my girl here in Va. are friends, is that is prolly all we were supposed to be.

What changed what girls perception of me. And long story short, my nose got 'opened'.

My ex wife didn't understand what I thought boxing was going to do for me, even though I had the pedigree to think that it was. Sorta same deal with my Delta Girl who went to UNC-G while I was at A&T. She let me box a little, but when things got serious, she gave me grief.

The thing that hindsight seems to tell me is that I should have did 'me' more and worried less about what is out there. I was the only one who wanted me to be a soldier, boxer, college graduate. I DIDN'T make sure those things happened. No matter what intersected in my life. I have very successful friends (again, living with one of them right now) who has the six figure salary, big house and multiple cars, going off on a trip where they want to go. Me..?

Girl, I am so far from where I wanted to go, it is incredible. Hell, I shouldn't be HERE!! I HATE Northern Virginia, and always have. I only came here because 'I thought I wanted love'... all the while forgetting what is best for me.

Now the SFC and I are cool. We both realised that we should have looked again before we lept. But it called to mind the trouble I have had getting my life started at the same time being in a relationship.

Only because you are 'my girl'... people that I know, including my SFC has 'done them'. If they are single and lonely, that is tough and tragic. BUT they can still live their life, because of all that they have done on their own. She may have been 'empty nesting' and got lonely when she called me, but she has 22 years of service and a degree. She makes A LOT of money and puts two boys through college. And she can look ate $300k houses and expect to pay for them.

Trust me, better that than to have derailed because she was trying to find love at the same time.

Now, you can take from that what you will. You can chase love and let it get big enough to make 'you' not happen, or you can keep your eyes on the prize and be the woman of YOUR making.

Big Mark 243 said...

Then, lets get to the 'dazzle'. You are a beautiful woman as is. You have to radiate that from the inside out. Monique, for example, is NOT pretty. BUT, I don't think anyone can convince her otherwise. Getting the attention from the peanut gallery feeds the ego. But the cat himself clued you in to why HE IS the problem in y'all relationship (or lack of thereof) when he said:

have him tell me he was done with me because i took life too seriously

I would not blame him. He will be haunted by the wonderful, successful and beautiful girl he let get away... but truth be told, he had no chance.

...ooh, gotta go!

Tawnya said...

You are an amazing person inside and out. You have to remember that. I know it is easier said than done, some people just have no idea what they have lost. That is the case of this guy, when he realizes it he will be back. Then you can tell him he had his chance.. Hugs

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