Sunday, April 4, 2010

My Dearest JamieLynn,

I've sat for hours on end trying to figure out how to handle this day. As many times as I've thought it was coming, not enough time in the world allowed me to prepare myself for losing you.

I find myself thinking back to when we were kids. Those were the happier days and the better days for you. Then we parted ways. Our difference in age, though it is just a number now, helped cause our separation. I remember you playing barbie dolls with me all day everyday from the time the sun came up til my dad made us go to bed. I remember all the bike rides and trips to the park my mom would take us on. I remember a lot. I'm remembering things that I thought I've forgotten but haven't. I remember our Summer's in Tennessee and throwing cookies at those boys that liked you that were poor. I feel bad now, but I remember us laughing and saying how they were so poor they'd probably come back and pick the cookies up later and eat them.

Yes, we are just "river rats" at heart, but it made us who we are. Remember the time those girls were talking crap about you because the boys at All Saints liked you? I still laugh about it now. I was about 7 years old and I remember walking into Wilson Farms with you, and those girls talking about you being a hoe. Then I remember us going to the quick shop on Esser and buying Milkbone dog bones and whipping them out the window of the Charger and barking at those ugly bitches (excuse my language)... lol I was started off at such an early age. I can't help who I am, neither can you.

I can't help but think of SWV's "weak"... you were the first to put me on to R&B, hip-hop as a small child. I remember it was my first cassette tape all because of you.

I remember when you got pregnant with Claudia... we sat for days naming that baby until we picked a name... "Justice Blue" that was back from the days where we were still watchin poetic justice with janet and pac- I laugh because i don't know what we were thinking at the time, but I smile because I know you gave her the name Justice as a middle name for me.

I've seen you struggle for so many years. The good, and the bad, you always pulled through. Even in some of my weakest moments I think about the strength you had to deal with your pain- mentally, emotionally, physically. No matter the choices in life you made, I could never fault you for. We all make mistakes, and to me you'll always be that Imperfect Angel. You are one of a kind, and can never be replaced. I envy you in that no matter how much pain you were in you always put a show for everyone and told them you were ok, and getting better. Every time I saw you, you always told me how beautiful I was and that you loved me. Thank you.

I remember the last picture we took together in 2006, which is now my default. I apologize because you'd hate it, but I love it. I remember getting ready to take this picture and you stopped to go draw your eye brows in, and I remember laughing because you kept asking me if they were even. They were even. I cried to you over Colin and everything that I was going through with him and the family. You wiped away my tears and told me if would be ok and you told me what a strong and smart person I was. You told me you understood exactly what I was going through and that it wasn't even easy for you being with an Arabian man, and the things Claudia was going through in dunkirk because of who she was. But you told me I could handle anything. I saw you once more after this day, and talked to you on the phone a few times. Then you just got to sick to even be around.

Knowing your not here anymore hit me really hard today in the car. I got in the car, and this song was playing on a station that i don't even listen to- so I have no idea how it was there. I smiled at the thought, but lost control and cried my eyes out. I remember years ago when I got the karaoke machine for my birthday. You used to sing the song "against all odds" I'll never forget.

I'm sorry I couldn't be there more. I'm sorry you were in pain. I'm sorry you died alone, but I hope you know and never forget how much I love you. You will always be with me, and I will never let anyone ever say anything bad about you. I love you JamieLynn. Forever.