Tuesday, March 23, 2010


I can't eat, i can't sleep.. I can't stop crying... I can't make myself get out of bed. I just can't believe it.

During my spring break, while I was home in Buffalo, not only was I dealing with my emotions over the guy who doesn't want me, but I had to deal with my ex instigating and making fun of me, making a fool of me. I'm embarrassed to say the least. At the end of my trip Sunday March 14th, the day I'm supposed to pack and return to NC... my phone rang, and I was told my 29 year old cousin JamieLynn was found dead. I got on the plane, crying, sick... came back to NC-- got my mom and 8 year old brother and drove back to NY... I'm devastated. The Funeral was on the 18th... and none of it seems real. She left behind 2 beautiful children... Claudia who turns 11 on the 29th of this month, and Naji who is only 6. I held on to Naji so tight at the funeral and cried and cried my eyes out. Hes so innocent and had no idea what was going on. Could not even begin to comprehend his mother was laying in a casket in front of him. He was the happiest most joyful little thing I've ever seen in my life standing in a room full of crying miserable people. I just can't believe it. He doesn't understand... and I feel so bad. Claudia barely spoke. She sat there with a picture of her and her mother in her hand from 2pm when the viewings started til 10pm when the service ended and everyone was saying their goodbyes. It makes me sick.

I lost my cousin Josh on July 20th, 2008 at the age of 23. I've now lost another cousin JamieLynn on March 14th, 2010 at the age of 29. It's bad losing people in any situation, but I'm having a very hard time with this. Jamie and Josh were the 2 cousins I grew up with... they were the only 2 closest family members that I had, and now their both gone. I can't even begin to explain the feelings I have. I'm so worried about the way I feel and wanting more than what I have and now 2 very important people are gone. I just can't deal with it right now. I'm hurting... I'm hurting because I want love, I'm hurting because of my losses... and all at the same time I am SELFISH because I'm thinking about myself... how I feel. How could they leave me???

I just feel so lost...

Saturday, March 6, 2010

"just friends" to nothing at all...

It was bad enough expressing my feelings to someone and being rejected... then to have to turn around a couple days later after accepting that there was nothing more but "friendship" to get slapped in the face again, and have him tell me he was done with me because i took life too seriously and he wanted to delete and erase everything and forget I ever existed. Why me? What do I do to people? Don't I deserve some kind of happiness. It's not fair. I'm flying home to Buffalo tomorrow afternoon, and for what? all the plans made with this "friend" is ruined because he doesn't want to see me ever again.

I need to forget about it all and just do me i guess. I want a relationship. I want someone to have an understanding of the way I live me life and I want them to care about me. I haven't had a serious relationship in over 3 years. Do i not deserve to be happy?

to make matters worse, I know I'm not as attractive as i once was, and my weight is the issue. Never have I gone out and not gotten hollar'd at. I got out of the car and these guys were there... talkin some mess, and I turned around and said "what" and they all said "not you, her" meaning my friend. I was really upset, because I've never ever experienced that in my life. It's depressing and after the night i've had i have literally spent all of my saturday crying and sleeping. I hate the point that I'm at in life. Nobody wants me, I'm stressed beyond belief, I'm not happy with the way I look... I'm not happy. I need to do something about it.... Nobody can change it but me... so it is what it is... I don't want to fly to Buffalo, but I will, and when I come back from spring break, I need to have some kind of plan to better myself. I'm just so hurt... it's all i think about- everything I'm not.

This sucks. I'm not like other girls. Every body takes advantage of that.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

.Every time I see him.
Everyday he walks in...
with some fly blue suit and his cuff links are shining.
I feel like Alicia, and I just wanna sing "Baby, Baby, Baby"
He sets my soul on fire.
His shirt is pressed, and he smells so good,
but under the fragrance there's a touch of a familiar smell. I grin.
I won't even get into that.
His name spells t-r-o-u-b-l-e.
I keep my distance.
His skin is so beautiful...
So dark, so not like mine.
And as we sit there, he slides his hand over mine. It's so soft.
Not the hand of a hard working man. He's well kept.
As I pull my hand away he smiles that smile...
The smile of an Angel, Halo
The one that can't be resisted. The one with a glow.
I feel like Beyonce saying remember those walls I built
damn baby...they are tumbling down, but only I'm fighting it
I find myself lost in thought... wondering....

My time is up, my thoughts interrupted
I grab my things, get up from the desk and walk away...
I turn slightly, and glance back with a smile and continue to walk
No words spoken, but thoughts understood.

He follows me out, and yells "Yo B"
I ignore it, knowing good and well it's not for me.
I know the sound of his voice, when he leans over to whisper.
He yells again "Yo B.... Beyonce"
Only this time, I stopped to look
He says " I knew you knew I was talkin to you, Yo B, I'll be your Jay
if only you'll allow."
And now he's flowin some line like Jay and his girls, girls, girls

"I got this Indian squaw the day that I met her
Asked her what tribe she with, red dot or feather
She said all you need to know is I'm not a ho
And to get with me you better be Chief Lots-a-Dough"

I'm laughin and sayin negro please...
He says all I wanted to see was that smile
The one before was just a tease
He's got me wondering what could be.
In the back of my mind, I'm asking is leaving for me?
He says we could be like Bonnie and Clyde.
and I'm here when you decide.

But my minds made up, this chapter is over.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

It's a New Month

I am so glad this is the last week of classes, and Friday starts spring break. BUT why is it that during this week professors load you up with homework, papers, and tests beyond belief? I just need to get through this week because Sunday.... I am outta here.

I'm going to be spending my Spring Break in Buffalo... but it's not like it'll be a big vacation. I have tons of stuff I need to do since I will be returning there for good this May. I'm going to be living with my grandparents at first, so I need to clean out the room I'll be staying in and take down the ugly wallpaper that's been there since the 60's lol and I need to paint and patch up a few things. Get some furniture moved in... and that way when I come home in May, I'll just have to worry about clothes, shoes, and everyday stuff. Hopefully it will only take me a day or two because I'd really like to spend the rest of the days doing NOTHING. My friends babyshower is also that week, so I'll have somethings to do there... but other than that... the way i see it, I will be sittin on my butt with my feet kicked up!

I've given up on this "diet" that I was on- it sucks. I always start off well, and then get caught up and stressed out with school, and other personal issues that my emotional release is through food, and forcing myself to workout is an understatement when it's something I hate doing. I just can't continue the motivational aspects to keep myself on the treadmill, and then I have the days where I just plain out do not want to! Ultimately- the only goal I can set for myself and focus on working on overall is to lose 15 pounds. I'd like to have the 15 pounds gone by graduation, but that is going to involve time and work... and I'm not so committed right now. I'm down about myself and my personal life... and I can't find any kind of pick me up.

I've made a fool of myself repeatedly and expressed my feelings toward a person and let him know that I really liked him... and in return he said he liked me, but just wanted to be friends. Nothing like being rejected... I try to stay optimistic like maybe his feelings might change because we get along really good and he flirts with me, and says cutesy things, but I think he's afraid of if he had to commit. I guess I'm too young to be tied down, but I'm too old to be runnin around with more than one guy, and quite frankly I find the sleeping around part in poor taste. I just don't do it. I guess I'm so down about it because no one ever wants to hear "lets just be friends" when they have feelings for the other person.... and based on my previous relationships I have a lot of self image issues so I feel like I'm too fat for him, or not pretty enough. He says I'm beautiful... but if I'm so beautiful, and such a great person... what keeps you from wanting to be with me? I don't know... I wish I understood. My experience in relationships is far and in between the average person. It takes a lot for me to commit, and it takes a lot for me to get up the nerve to express if I like someone and want to be MORE than just friends.... So, I'm really dying inside feeling like there's something wrong with me, and I'm pretty sure it's my weight... that keeps the guy wanting to only be friends. I'll never know. He said it's because he doesn't want a long distance relationship- and that I understand, but I'll be back in Buffalo in 2 months... and then He knows I'm coming home for my spring break and I was implying that I wanted to see him a lot and joking about hanging out everyday and he was just like "maybe we'll see" I don't know why I bother... I'm not what he wants. I guess my best bet is to move on... but after getting up the nerve to say I like you and have liked you, and am interested in seeing you/ dating you etc.... giving up and moving on seems like such failure. When I was a size 8... I was never turned down. I never had this problem... I didn't understand what it was like to be rejected. Why can't I get it together enough to go back to that world. I want to look good for the man that will love me, and I want to keep myself up for him, and I want him to be proud of what I look like, the person I am and my accomplishments.... I don't think this guy would me. Not in how I look now... but why can't i get myself together enough to do something about it???

What to do..... get passed this week and see what happens... I guess.