Tuesday, March 2, 2010

It's a New Month

I am so glad this is the last week of classes, and Friday starts spring break. BUT why is it that during this week professors load you up with homework, papers, and tests beyond belief? I just need to get through this week because Sunday.... I am outta here.

I'm going to be spending my Spring Break in Buffalo... but it's not like it'll be a big vacation. I have tons of stuff I need to do since I will be returning there for good this May. I'm going to be living with my grandparents at first, so I need to clean out the room I'll be staying in and take down the ugly wallpaper that's been there since the 60's lol and I need to paint and patch up a few things. Get some furniture moved in... and that way when I come home in May, I'll just have to worry about clothes, shoes, and everyday stuff. Hopefully it will only take me a day or two because I'd really like to spend the rest of the days doing NOTHING. My friends babyshower is also that week, so I'll have somethings to do there... but other than that... the way i see it, I will be sittin on my butt with my feet kicked up!

I've given up on this "diet" that I was on- it sucks. I always start off well, and then get caught up and stressed out with school, and other personal issues that my emotional release is through food, and forcing myself to workout is an understatement when it's something I hate doing. I just can't continue the motivational aspects to keep myself on the treadmill, and then I have the days where I just plain out do not want to! Ultimately- the only goal I can set for myself and focus on working on overall is to lose 15 pounds. I'd like to have the 15 pounds gone by graduation, but that is going to involve time and work... and I'm not so committed right now. I'm down about myself and my personal life... and I can't find any kind of pick me up.

I've made a fool of myself repeatedly and expressed my feelings toward a person and let him know that I really liked him... and in return he said he liked me, but just wanted to be friends. Nothing like being rejected... I try to stay optimistic like maybe his feelings might change because we get along really good and he flirts with me, and says cutesy things, but I think he's afraid of if he had to commit. I guess I'm too young to be tied down, but I'm too old to be runnin around with more than one guy, and quite frankly I find the sleeping around part in poor taste. I just don't do it. I guess I'm so down about it because no one ever wants to hear "lets just be friends" when they have feelings for the other person.... and based on my previous relationships I have a lot of self image issues so I feel like I'm too fat for him, or not pretty enough. He says I'm beautiful... but if I'm so beautiful, and such a great person... what keeps you from wanting to be with me? I don't know... I wish I understood. My experience in relationships is far and in between the average person. It takes a lot for me to commit, and it takes a lot for me to get up the nerve to express if I like someone and want to be MORE than just friends.... So, I'm really dying inside feeling like there's something wrong with me, and I'm pretty sure it's my weight... that keeps the guy wanting to only be friends. I'll never know. He said it's because he doesn't want a long distance relationship- and that I understand, but I'll be back in Buffalo in 2 months... and then He knows I'm coming home for my spring break and I was implying that I wanted to see him a lot and joking about hanging out everyday and he was just like "maybe we'll see" I don't know why I bother... I'm not what he wants. I guess my best bet is to move on... but after getting up the nerve to say I like you and have liked you, and am interested in seeing you/ dating you etc.... giving up and moving on seems like such failure. When I was a size 8... I was never turned down. I never had this problem... I didn't understand what it was like to be rejected. Why can't I get it together enough to go back to that world. I want to look good for the man that will love me, and I want to keep myself up for him, and I want him to be proud of what I look like, the person I am and my accomplishments.... I don't think this guy would me. Not in how I look now... but why can't i get myself together enough to do something about it???

What to do..... get passed this week and see what happens... I guess.


Big Mark 243 said...

Hmmm... first off, Hey Gurl...How YOU doin'??

You really need to focus on yourself a lot more. A man who wants you will come after you. Period.

As far as your image issues, that is something you have to try to deal with. And when I say 'deal with', I don't mean diet and working out to lose weight. I mean you have to be able to find the attractiveness of the person in the mirror.

What I do know is that girls your size not only find love but a lasting and true one. There is a blogger who recently got married who is prolly heavier than you. She is still as beautiful phyiscally as anyone else on the outside, and I am going to take a flier and say she is a beautiful person on the inside as well.

Won't take a flier on you... I KNOW you are a trememdous person. I sorta want for you to become comfortable with feeling pretty as you are and working from that. Carrying yourself like you know that you are pretty and I don't mean being conceited.

If someone doesn't like you, it doesn't have to be about you. It could be and prolly is, about them. You know what you are going to do with yourself and where you are going. You are making YOU happen and that kind of imtimidates men.

Trust me on this, making yourself the person of your choosing and reaching your goals is the best thing you can do for your romantic life. Being torn between making yourself the person you want to be, which is something you can control, and finding a partner is a no brainer.

I love you, but I am too old and broken down for you!! But what I would do is tell you that if I was an undergrad at Scott Hall, I would be chasing you with my nose wide open!!

Keep doing you and someone will be revealed to you. The reason that you haven't found anyone has been no one who will make you happy has appeared yet. Seems like most of the cats you've mentioned here have some backstory that leads me to believe that at some point, they'd let you down. After going to school and getting you 'right', you definetly deserve better than that.

Enjoy your break!