Tuesday, March 23, 2010


I can't eat, i can't sleep.. I can't stop crying... I can't make myself get out of bed. I just can't believe it.

During my spring break, while I was home in Buffalo, not only was I dealing with my emotions over the guy who doesn't want me, but I had to deal with my ex instigating and making fun of me, making a fool of me. I'm embarrassed to say the least. At the end of my trip Sunday March 14th, the day I'm supposed to pack and return to NC... my phone rang, and I was told my 29 year old cousin JamieLynn was found dead. I got on the plane, crying, sick... came back to NC-- got my mom and 8 year old brother and drove back to NY... I'm devastated. The Funeral was on the 18th... and none of it seems real. She left behind 2 beautiful children... Claudia who turns 11 on the 29th of this month, and Naji who is only 6. I held on to Naji so tight at the funeral and cried and cried my eyes out. Hes so innocent and had no idea what was going on. Could not even begin to comprehend his mother was laying in a casket in front of him. He was the happiest most joyful little thing I've ever seen in my life standing in a room full of crying miserable people. I just can't believe it. He doesn't understand... and I feel so bad. Claudia barely spoke. She sat there with a picture of her and her mother in her hand from 2pm when the viewings started til 10pm when the service ended and everyone was saying their goodbyes. It makes me sick.

I lost my cousin Josh on July 20th, 2008 at the age of 23. I've now lost another cousin JamieLynn on March 14th, 2010 at the age of 29. It's bad losing people in any situation, but I'm having a very hard time with this. Jamie and Josh were the 2 cousins I grew up with... they were the only 2 closest family members that I had, and now their both gone. I can't even begin to explain the feelings I have. I'm so worried about the way I feel and wanting more than what I have and now 2 very important people are gone. I just can't deal with it right now. I'm hurting... I'm hurting because I want love, I'm hurting because of my losses... and all at the same time I am SELFISH because I'm thinking about myself... how I feel. How could they leave me???

I just feel so lost...


Tawnya said...

Oh hon, I am so sorry for your loss. If you need to talk I am here for you. I have lost people that I loved as well.

Big Mark 243 said...

I mourn for your loss. I know it is hard when people that are as close to your heart as your cousin are, are called on to their glory. And Jamie Lynn's children...

... but it isn't selfish to think about your own worries. You have to know that they would want you to do what is best for you.

Should you want to 'talk' or TALK, let me know.