Saturday, October 3, 2009

Cleaning out my closet... Literally

So I started cleaning today... I found a lot of old things in my closet that its time to get rid of and some things that I don't understand why I'm holding on to. There's also things that I'm not packing away in there and trying to forget about... well not so much forget but get over...

First things first... Rob and I... yeah, that's not right. haha there's no such thing but a bunch of lies written in letters that hurt. Why is it that people make these promises and cannot follow through. I am a firm believer in my word. I know I go against my word to myself all the time, but when I give my word and make promises to other people I do anything and everything possible to keep it. I really had feelings for Rob. He was a big deal to me, and he came home and wanted nothing to do with me. He barely speaks to me... So really I guess were not even friends. You live and learn right? I just thought so much more of him than this... but go figure... I had been warned and well it turned out to be what everyone said it would be... USED, and me left disappointed and feeling like I let my guard down... AGAIN. So I'm finally putting the letters away. Some I've gone back and reread over the last few weeks trying to understand, but it's time for me to move on. I have more opportunities in my life than to worry about someone who took advantage and lost. It just sucks because I took 2 years of my life and put it all into him because of all the things we talked about... being together and etc. I know truthfully that my weight has something to do with it. I'm not stupid. I've saw his exes... I'm twice their size.

I'm spending my weekend stressing and worrying about what could be absolutely nothing!! Making myself sick! I went to the doctors Thursday... I had blood work done and some x-rays taken... they called my house phone Friday when I specifically wrote on my chart to call my cell phone because its a sure thing to get in touch! They left a message, and by the time I got it, it was too late to call them back... so I can't find out why they were calling until Monday when they open... So, I'm worried... is it serious or is it nothing... the blood work is what scares me! Hopefully their just calling about the results of my x-rays because I've been having a lot of pain where my 9 screws and 2 metal plates are. I'm hoping I don't need another surgery... but that would be the least of my worries. The ONLY reason I worry about the blood tests is because for one I'm native american... I'm always paranoid about being diabetic or having something wrong with my thyroid (hence my weight issues) and things like that run in my family. And though I get tested regularly... I've been in 2 relationships with 2 unfaithful cheating dogs... need I say more?!?!? I haven't been with anyone like that in a long time... still i worry because things can show up and ugh! I need to stop talking about it because like I said, I make myself sick worrying about the irresponsible things I've done in the past out of "love" and passion and plain out being young and STUPID!! So as much as I hate to say it... please HURRY UP monday and pleeeease be good news!

I'm leaving Friday, heading to NY to get my grandparents and off to Canada for Thanksgiving on Monday. My grandfather is Canadian, so we're going up there to see that family. It will be some nice time off from school... and a chance to get away! I need a little mini vacation.

I need to get serious about "changing my life" for the better in more ways than 1 way! I'm not putting 100% in to school, and theres no reason for me not to. I'm just so blah and it never fails its always something and I get in these little depression ruts and I don't like it! I know theres no quick fix to anything, but sometimes I wish there was!

Hope all are well, and enjoying your weekend!