Thursday, December 31, 2009

Last Day of 2009

I'm taking some time to myself... I'm relaxing, thinking over the things I want to be different about 2010. I don't want to just make resolutions... every year I make resolutions and somehow I fall off the band wagon of getting them done.

I am however, making some progress in my life. 2010 is going to be a new year, and a good one at that... God willing! I'm ready to put my best foot forward. Time for a new me!! Well, Not so much a new me, because I do like me... but preferably an improved me :)

I just wanted to wish you all a Happy, Healthy and Exciting New Year!!!

Friday, December 25, 2009

Back to Basics

Back to the Basics is where I'm heading! 2010 is vastly coming upon us, and it's time to get my ducks in a row. I have one semester left of my Bachelor's degree, and Graduation is May 8th, 2010. I want to lose some weight by then... so starting Monday... it's a new game for me! I'm starting small and very basic.

*Restrict Calories
*Eat Healthier
*Drink more water
*Cardio 5-6 days a week.

I'm out of work because I ran into some troubles with the screws and plates in my right ankle, so there is no reason for me not to get my cardio in. I've become very concerned with my health the last few weeks.

My grandfather on my mothers side has diabetes and had heart surgery this past August... My grandfather on my fathers side also had diabete's and had numerous heart surgeries. He recently went in for his last surgery Monday December 14th, and Passed away December 17th, due to complications. His organs eventually gave out and my poor father had to make the decision to take him off life support. There's many things I need to take into consideration health wise, and at 24 years old... It's time for me to get to work with it. I need to make sure that I take care of myself to the best of my ability due to all the health complications in my family.

I'm also going to try to get back into journaling here. It helps. With that being said, this will conclude my first entry of hopefully many more to come!

Hope all is well with everyone and MERRY CHRISTMAS & HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO ALL!!

Rest In Peace John R. Zwelling October 15, 1940 - December 17, 2009

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Cleaning out my closet... Literally

So I started cleaning today... I found a lot of old things in my closet that its time to get rid of and some things that I don't understand why I'm holding on to. There's also things that I'm not packing away in there and trying to forget about... well not so much forget but get over...

First things first... Rob and I... yeah, that's not right. haha there's no such thing but a bunch of lies written in letters that hurt. Why is it that people make these promises and cannot follow through. I am a firm believer in my word. I know I go against my word to myself all the time, but when I give my word and make promises to other people I do anything and everything possible to keep it. I really had feelings for Rob. He was a big deal to me, and he came home and wanted nothing to do with me. He barely speaks to me... So really I guess were not even friends. You live and learn right? I just thought so much more of him than this... but go figure... I had been warned and well it turned out to be what everyone said it would be... USED, and me left disappointed and feeling like I let my guard down... AGAIN. So I'm finally putting the letters away. Some I've gone back and reread over the last few weeks trying to understand, but it's time for me to move on. I have more opportunities in my life than to worry about someone who took advantage and lost. It just sucks because I took 2 years of my life and put it all into him because of all the things we talked about... being together and etc. I know truthfully that my weight has something to do with it. I'm not stupid. I've saw his exes... I'm twice their size.

I'm spending my weekend stressing and worrying about what could be absolutely nothing!! Making myself sick! I went to the doctors Thursday... I had blood work done and some x-rays taken... they called my house phone Friday when I specifically wrote on my chart to call my cell phone because its a sure thing to get in touch! They left a message, and by the time I got it, it was too late to call them back... so I can't find out why they were calling until Monday when they open... So, I'm worried... is it serious or is it nothing... the blood work is what scares me! Hopefully their just calling about the results of my x-rays because I've been having a lot of pain where my 9 screws and 2 metal plates are. I'm hoping I don't need another surgery... but that would be the least of my worries. The ONLY reason I worry about the blood tests is because for one I'm native american... I'm always paranoid about being diabetic or having something wrong with my thyroid (hence my weight issues) and things like that run in my family. And though I get tested regularly... I've been in 2 relationships with 2 unfaithful cheating dogs... need I say more?!?!? I haven't been with anyone like that in a long time... still i worry because things can show up and ugh! I need to stop talking about it because like I said, I make myself sick worrying about the irresponsible things I've done in the past out of "love" and passion and plain out being young and STUPID!! So as much as I hate to say it... please HURRY UP monday and pleeeease be good news!

I'm leaving Friday, heading to NY to get my grandparents and off to Canada for Thanksgiving on Monday. My grandfather is Canadian, so we're going up there to see that family. It will be some nice time off from school... and a chance to get away! I need a little mini vacation.

I need to get serious about "changing my life" for the better in more ways than 1 way! I'm not putting 100% in to school, and theres no reason for me not to. I'm just so blah and it never fails its always something and I get in these little depression ruts and I don't like it! I know theres no quick fix to anything, but sometimes I wish there was!

Hope all are well, and enjoying your weekend!

Tuesday, September 29, 2009


Well, I haven't been here in months. I miss blogging! Anywho... I'm planning to come back to blog, its a calming relaxing vent with feedback. Hopefully you guys are still out there. It's fall...FINALLY...and I'm loving it!

I have lots of plans! So Hopefully things will go a planned.

School is kicking my butt! 7 classes this semester... I need to refocus and stay focused! Hard work will and does pay off... so I need to put my best foot forward starting now!

I'm not longer working at David's Bridal. What a nightmare to say the least!! I'm not working at all actually and to be honest I'm really enjoying it. I have more time to focus on me and my school work... so we'll see how long this can last for me until I need to go back to work.

Anyway, If any of ya'll are still out there blogging... Let me know your out there!! i look forward to hearing from you guys and posting again! Lots of stuff to blog about and post... so hopefully I have everyones support!

Hope all is well!

Health, wealth, and happiness


Saturday, June 13, 2009

what a day!

So... I was written up today. LOL I'm laughing because I don't even understand why. I was just told that my "performance" would be re-evaluated on June 27th. I asked my manager to explain why I was being written up, and she said something about my "demeanor being to stern" and my productivity for the month of may was low... mind you there's 31 days in May, and out of those 31 days. I worked 9!!! So yea, I think my productivity was a little LOW. Now, as for me being stern?? I think not... I beg to differ. I think their trying to set me up to get "fired" with 3 write ups because I question what is really going on in that place! I'm not afraid to ask WHY? and ask for an explanation, and yes. I am a bit puzzled when 3 women who are 'in charge" cannot give me a straight answer. Maybe I am stern if the definition of stern is: not fake, and won't pretend. That's not me. In fact I am probably one of the realest most honest people you will ever meet. Now my honesty is not in that that I am mean, and bold, I will BEND the truth to tell a Bride she looks beautiful in a dress if I can tell in her facial expression that she is in love with a gown, because it's her dream...not mine. I am not trying to be funny, but in all honesty David's Bridal is the IHOP of Bridal gowns and they act like they are Klinefelds in NYC. David's bridal is "affordable" bridal wear. So, we'll see if I get written up again in my re-evaluation. I was given 2 ok now this is the funny part. I was given 2 weeks to improve my productivity. Ok. 2 weeks=14 day...correct? so I am scheduled to work 4 out of those 14 days. I have a 2.8 out of 5.0 percent level of productivity out of the 9 days I worked in May. In the 4 days I'm scheduled to work. I have to raise my productivity to 5.0 percent... SO either I get lucky and do it, or I get written up. This is beyond me. But whatever. I'm going to contact the unemployment office just to see what the "laws and regulations are" Not that I want to be on unemployment... I enjoy working, but I need to know how this stuff works. I've never been fired. And, if they "screw me over" and I'm able to collect unemployment... I will. Just because I don't feel that these are legitimate write ups. There's no customer complaints at all. Ugh. I got a headache from all this and trying to understand it.
School is stressful enough! The semester is over June 24th. lol thats 7 or 8 days, and in I have 11 summaries, a research paper, a book review, a presentation, and several stats labs to complete. I'm having a time and half with that let alone dealing with...excuse my language... BULLSHIT...from work!
Anyway. Hope everyone is well. I need something to eat and to destress. I am so thankful that I do not have to work tomorrow, and can sleep in and spend the rest of the day doing all this school work!

Sunday, May 17, 2009

blah blah blah!

So, I just booked my flight to fly to Buffalo this weekend... I leave on the 21st, and return on the 25th. I'm annoyed because the whole point in this trip was to go to my friends sisters wedding. I called her, and told her i booked the flight, and that I would be there thursday night (in 4 days), and she said "I'm sorry... I forgot and asked my ex boyfriend to go." To be honest, I probably wouldn't have wasted the money on a $100 dress, and $300 airfair, the dress isn't such an issue...I can always find somewhere to wear it... but I wouldn't have wasted the money on a flight had there been no need. I don't know I'm busy running all the time, and though I would like to see friends and family and go visit Rob, this weekend would've been a nice one to relax and get things in order with my 2 summer classes.... grrrr people need to get with it! SO, now rather than tell my mom and dad who paid for the dress and flight that I'm not longer attending, I'm still going to have to get all dressed up Saturday in the dress and show my dad and grandparents and "act" like I'm going to the wedding, but will actually probably end up going to do something else. I just can't tell my parents that i was univited and replaced with an EX b/f. Some friend huh? I'm just irritated because I would never say "yes i'll attend" and not go! To be honest, I really don't even want to go now! It's too bad the flight is non-refundable... But, At least I'll get to spend some time with my grandparents, dad, and brother. Go visit Josh, I haven't seen him since March :( and i will go visit my Roblem.

Tomorrow my summer classes start. First one is at 1:30pm A full 5 weeks of Psychological Statistics and African American Folklore. I'm debating whether or not to take classes the second summer session. I'm not sure what to do. I may see if any of my classes are available online, just incase... As much as I feel like I need a some time off, I also feel like I need to keep up with classes. I don't know! we'll see what happens. I hate math, so not that statistics is hard, but its mathematical and I don't really look forward to it. Thats why I opt'd to do a summer session instead of a full session because I just wanna get it over with quick!!
Well, that's about all I got for tonight. About to do some cleaning and head to bed. Hope all is well!

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Back from the beach...

I drove home from the beach and got in last night. It was a really nice couple of days. I think next year I will take off the weekend and stay the full 5 days. The condo we stayed in was awesome!!

I worked today... my feet hurt... and all I can say is I look forward to the days when I'm out of retail.... I used to look forward to the days when I wasn't a now I feel that way about Bridal gowns! My feet hurt way too much for the amount of money I make!

This week has flown by... I work tomorrow, and back to classes on Monday!!! Feels like I haven't had any break at all. However, I decided to go to the bookstore and pick out some summer reading in addition to my school work. I feel like I don't read enough! I know I have all those text books and etc. but its not the same as reading for fun. I miss when I used to be able to sit down and read a book because I wanted to. I actually have a bunch of books... I started reading Bergdorf Blondes by Plum Sykes while I was at the beach. I'm almost finished. I have 3 more chapters. It was really good actually... That's probably what I'm going to be doing for the rest of the night, finishing the book, and taking a hot bath and relaxing!! Haha funny story about my trip to the book store... I was looking at the books, not anything in particular, just looking for something to catch my eye, and I picked up a man while I was there... turns out I was in the "modern romance" section, and this very tall (about 6'1"ish) medium toned black man approached me and says " I'm a romantic myself... my name is Jerald, can I take you out to dinner one night?" Of course, I literally started laughing in his face as i shook his hand in return to him grabbing mine, so much the the book that was there flew in the air on to the ground! How original! he's "a romantic himself" So we talked breifly until his SON came over, and then he introduced his 16 year old son to me... I forget his name... I was too busy thinking to myself "omg, his kid is old enough to be my younger sibling" The son was CUTE tho... he reminded me of Urkel, I know that sounds mean, but as a child, I always adored Urkel...LOL I secretly had a crush on him and wished for someone to profess their love to me as much as Steve urkel did for Laura Winslow... Yeah yeah, I grew up on good ol' after school specials like Family Matters. I still watch them on nick at night! Anyhoo.... because, I know how it feels to be turned down and rejected, I have the hardest time doing it to other people, So I gave the man my number, and agreed to go out to dinner. He's been BLOWING UP MY PHONE. I swear he calls at least 6 times a day, everyday since Wednesday Morning when I gave him my number. What in the world?!?!?!? I talked to him once, well twice if you include the encounter at the book store. We determined he has a 16 year old son, and the man is old enough to be my father!!!!!! lol in fact, He's OLDER THAN MY REAL FATHER!!! lol Well, all 3 of my parents... My Dad is 41, my mom is 40, and my stepdad is 36. This man is 46. He has yet to ask me my age. I figure he thinks I'm older than 23 though, and doesn't know he's older than my parents. I think 6 times a day for 4 days straight is a bit much though... it actually kind of freaks me out... makes him seem either obsessive compulsive or desperate. I swear, only things like that happen to me! I meet all the crazy ones. He wasn't a bad looking older man, I'd maybe date an older man if there was a way to avoid the awkwardness of him being older than my own dad! lol and I don't mean awkwardness for me personally but I'm pretty sure it'd be uncomfortable for my parents, and they probably wouldn't be happy that he was so much older than me! lol

Ok, well with that being said, i'm going to get going and get in the hot bath and relax!! Have a good night!!

Friday, May 8, 2009

"Live your life today, like your stuff will be auctioned off tomorrow" - Tom Joyner

I like that quote... :) Tom Joyner's morning show usually cracks me up on the way to my classes... haha anyway!

I went to see the eye doctor, I have to get a new perscription for my glasses. Seems that I need less perscription. I asked how or why that happened, and the doctor couldn't tell me. He's got a really dry personality. He's from Michigan, I forgot where he said exactly... at some point I tuned him out annoyed that he couldn't explain to me why I need less perscription... maybe he just didn't want to tell me that he messed up on my last perscription?? eh who knows!

I GOT BANGS. I haven't had bangs since I was 7 years old. Jeez... 7 was a long time ago, it was a big decision. I thought about this for 3 days before deciding... and when I decided I rushed over to my Hair dresser and said "can u fit me into ur schedule I want bangs cut into my hair"... she squeezed me in... but first she said "are u sure?" don't ask me questions like that!! even if you think im making irrational spur of the moment decisions! I had to do it immediately before i put too much thought into it and changed my mind. haha. it'll take some getting used to, I'm just afraid having bangs makes my face look fat! But it's a change... a new look. I like it.

I also spent the day with my mom. I have to work Sunday, so her and I spent the day together to replace the fact that I won't be around on mother's day. It was nice. We didn't do too much. We had lunch and went to a couple stores. It's always nice to spend days like that with my mom.

I am so relieved that the semester is over... I just don't know what to do with myself. I'm so used to stressing and being stressed that it feels awkward right now to not be worrying about homework and papers and exams... ah! That's only for a short while though. Summer classes Start May 18th. Guess I should enjoy the down time for as long as i can!

I don't know what else to write about... I'm sleepy now, and have to work in the morning so I might try to catch some Z's!!!

Thursday, May 7, 2009

I really like Antonique Smith. I wish she would get some kind of record deal and make a cd. She played Faith Evan's in the movie Natorious, but I think she has a beautiful voice, and I love this song!

I'm having trouble sleeping. Unfortunately I'm now on a terrible sleep schedule because of all the late night homework and studying. I wish I could fall asleep! Anyway just thought I'd share this clip. I love it!

Relax Time!!

This is exactly how I feel! Jeez I am tired. I been drinking coffee like crazy, but I think all the lack of sleep and hard work writing papers and studying with the late hours that I've had to keep if finally caught up with me. My last exam was this morning, and the semester is officially over!! I came home and intended on taking a 2 hour nap and ended up sleeping 4 hours. I must've needed it, but I'm still tired. I started working on cleaning the basement when I woke up though. I worked down there for a few hours and managed to get a lot done. I figure the lighter I make the load of stuff around here, the easier it will be for my mom to let me go and move out, and let her make the moves to move back to New York (if that's even still her plan. she's so flip floppy these days...) she knows what she wants she just never makes moves to get there... shes the type of person that says "i wanna do this, but I have to get mt ducks in a row" this is true to some extent, but what if your ducks are never in order, just because hey... thats your luck of the draw! I think you just gotta go with what feels best sometimes. She's just waiting around... i'll stop there before I get started on her indecisive ways! I may either finish the basement tonight, or finish it tomorrow. I'm working on one thing at a time. Plus, it will be good for me to go through all the boxes i have down there, and throw out the unnecessary crap that I hold on to.... Think it's time to let go of some of the things in those boxes. I always have the memories... thats good enough.

I got a letter from Rob this afternoon. They moved him to another Correctional Facility. He didn't give any reason, he just said that he will remain at this place until it is time for him to go home. My grandfather said that they probably moved him because it's getting close to his release date, and they didn't want other inmates messing with him. Guess that stuff tends to happen when they know a co-inmate in getting released soon they make problems for them, or fight them...try to kill them, etc. I couldn't handle that, so for the sake of his safety, I'm glad they moved him. Now I just have to figure out how to get to this new place to visit him. I'll be going home to Buffalo for a weekend at the end of the month for a friends wedding, so I'm going to go see him too. That will probably be the last time I see him before his "time free's up" lol he hates when i say that, but there in never any pun intended until he pointed out to me that it sounds funny to say that... haha he laughs at me. I know he's stressing about coming home, or being "free" He won't admit it, but I can tell he's scared. Whats gonna happen when he doesn't have a babysitter 24 hours a day 7 days a week telling him what time to get up, what time to go to sleep, what he can and cannot do. It will be an adventure. I know he's scared. I know he worries about "what if" he ended up back in there... Naturally, I'm optimistic and believe he won't end up in there, but Stats and CO's tell him once you go in, you usually find a way back... I guess Stats say that 97% of all inmates return to prison after they are released... doesn't leave much hope for that 3% huh? It is what it is... however, I think Rob will be ok... He has a lot of people that love him and are very supportive of him. As for me, I guess I'm nervous to see what happens if anything between him and I. We've been friends for almost 10 years... September will make it 10 years. I still remember meeting him my freshman year of high school... He was Captain of the football team... good grades... popular... etc. I always figured I was too fat for him to be interested in me considering his status, he was kinda mean to me, but I never really knew why for as mean as he was to me he still talked to me, and tried to remain in touch with me after he graduated and after I moved here to NC. He says he liked me... I don't believe it. lol

Oh, and did I mention one other small thing? He's married.

When him and I finally got into touch, about a year and a half into his jail time. I saw his screen name signed on AOL, and IM'd it... I thought maybe he was out of jail, but it was his dad... his dad asked who I was and I told him that Rob and I had gone to high school, and that my name was Arriel. His dad went back and told Rob, I was looking for him....LOL so not the case, I was just IM'ing who I thought was Rob to give him crap about his 4 year sentence and it being less than 2 years and he's signed on... but it wasn't! So then, Eugene (Rob's friend, my acquaintance from high school) went to see Rob, and Rob asked him about me... and Eugene came back and emailed me and said that Rob was looking for me, and to write him and give him my address so we could talk... LOL So, I sent rob a Birthday Card that said I know a birthday gift you'd love, but I'm sorry you can't have it... and when you opened it is said SEX on a pop up... haha I know so mean... considering the circumstances but that was always the sense of humor between him and I. The very first letter he wrote me said he was married and had a son.

While he's been in prison, he told me that his wife left him before he even went in. He makes a joke that she didn't even give him a 90 day trial period. I think she left him like 40 days after they were married. Then showed up saying she was pregnant and etc.

Turns out he recieved legal mail from the court that he had to attend a case in family court where another man was petitioning a paternity test for the baby. The results came back that the baby was not his. The baby was named after Rob, first name, middle name, last name, with a JR. after it.... Rob was devestated. The baby should be turning 4 this July. I still feel bad, because Rob spent so much time dwelling on his mistake and feeling guilty for not being there for the son that wasn't even his. His parents used to bring the baby every other weekend to see Rob. Then once the wife appeared in court and all that and recieved the results she never tried to contact Rob, or even explain... I guess there's not much to explain, I'm sorry would have maybe been nice. But Rob's family lost a baby that they grew very close too.

Even though he's been where he's at, I've been apart of A LOT of things in his life, so I can honestly say "we've gone through a lot together" during this time that he's had to do. I just want to make it clear to him, that even though I've been here for him when he's needed me, and I've sent him money when I've been able to, I don't want him to feel like it's an obligation for him to make a relationship with me. Everyone says that it would be the right loyal thing to do, but I was his friend before any of this, so why wouldn't I be a friend during and after.... besides... he's always found ways to contact me even when I've lost touch with him. So whatever happens will happen. I'll just be glad when it's over! However, if it results in us being together, DIVORCE, is first on the to-do list.... lol

I've rambled on so I will end this hear. I have to help my little brother study for his spelling test.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

white party/end of semster/updates

Hello! It's been almost another month since I've last posted, but luckily this hectic semester is coming to an end! I have one more exam tomorrow and then I have 10 days before summer classes start. I'm going to Myrtle Beach for 3 days, and working the rest. It's going to be a short little vacation. Overall the semester went well. I did pass everything. Not with all A's but B's, and I believe I got a C in Theories of Personality, but I can handle that... no biggie. with work and my other classes, I had to slack in one area, and it was that class! I only missed it by 2 points... u think the teacher coulda bumped it to a B for me... but eh... it's my own fault.
The pics I posted above are from the white Party... on May 2nd... the joke was that no one knew why I had to wear white when I already was white... haha i can handle the jokes! I lost approx. 20 pounds. I don't see it, not even in the pics... I really need to tone the flabby-ness. I guess I will put that on my summer to-do list!
I signed up to take 2 classes for the first summer session. I was going to do the second summer session as well, but decided I needed that break. I need time off just to get my thoughts and life together. I'm planning to move out this summer... so I need time to get all that squared away before the fall semester starts. I'm going to be graduating in May 2010. It's official that the date is May 2010! I'll have my BA. in Psychology... haha at the end of my name it will say A.A.S, A.A, B.A. lol that will be all 3 degrees. I still have a couple sciences that I need to take as prerequisite courses for dental school so that's the plan, to spend that year after graduation getting the sciences and studying for the DAT's. (dental admissions tests) I have a plan. I'm just so exhausted!!! I talked to my brother today, and he asked me when I'd be finished with school, and he was like OMG YOU'LL BE 30 by then!!!!!!! Yes, I will be but the pay off of being a Dr. and making the money will be worth all this time.
Rob will be coming home is less that 4 months. I'll be going home to spend sometime with him. I guess the idea is to see where it takes us. Discuss whether its the right thing to be "together" or just be friends... and if the decision is together, more than likely he will be moving to NC, unless I can get into Dental School at the University of Buffalo. I'm pretty flexible. I can do my sciences and prepare for Dental School at UB, or Chapel Hill. There's apart of me that does want to go back home to NY though. I feel like life would be different if I were around all my family... almost as if it would be easier. Then, I have mixed emotions because I've also made a life here in NC as well. I've met a lot of people through my jobs at Applebee's and David's Bridal, but also through school at A&T. However, most of them will be returning home once they graduate. It's funny how university life works. I guess i got used to community college and everyone being local. At a University, it's people from all over in a lecture hall who find ways to become acquainted and become friends... then when graduation is over they go their seperate ways, move to other states, or go back to the states or islands that they are from. It's very interesting. I enjoy where I go to school. I'm not one that see's white and black. I see me and you. I guess it sometimes bother's me that I'm told I'm not getting a good education because everything I'm learning about is based out of African American studies or research or affiliated with it in some way. I'm Native American and German. I feel that attending makes me more well rounded. I know my history, and I'm learning about years worth of history in a black perspective, and thats ok. I just don't see why it has to be such a big deal. I made the CHOICE to attend A&T. I could've went to a more diverse University, but I didn't want to. I like being an Aggie, and known for the name and pride that it holds... i look forward to becoming Alumni too. Plus I like the reaction when people ask me where I go to school... hahaha. Anyhow, I'm way off subject... back to Rob... we're going to work on that and see what happens. I'll graduate next year, and when he comes home in August he'll have 3 years of parole unless otherwise decided upon. He can have that transfered to NC if need be. Then, the other issue is... people make a big deal out of that. I don't know positively 100% that he's the one for me or the man of my dreams, but I do have feelings for him. I don't know what will come of them, but their there! I guess, what I'm saying is I'm tired of hearing people say that he will never become anything because he cant with a record. It may work between us, and it may not. I just wish people would mind their own business when it comes to personal issues. Everyone is so concerned with me becoming a Doctor, and his social status as a convict. PEOPLE MAKE MISTAKES. I don't believe that a single mistake defines a person entirely... and IF we were to be together YES I would make more money than him, but why do people refer to him as "marrying me and joining the country club." it's not like that, and the relationship is no where near that level... so why put ideas into play that don't matter right now. Anything is possible, yes... but I will deal with it if the time arises!
I guess that's all there is from me for now. I have other updates, but I really need to get back to studying for Psychopharmacology. I have that exam tomorrow at 8am, so I need to be in bed early!
Hope all who are still out there reading are doing well. I hope to hear from you all soon!

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Time Flies

So... Life is Crazy, as it usually is! So much is going on, and has gone on, good, bad, and of course drama related! I'm so tired of that BS tho!! lol Won't even go there or get into that!! I'm doing the best that I possibly can, and avoiding the negativity and the haters out there!

It seems like forever since I've been around to post, and it has been! School is still kicking my butt, I've kinda gotten into a routine with work. I just wish I had a good routine with all this homework and studying! I've gotten my career pathway for school all straightened out. I will be graduating with my B.A. in psychology from A&T in May 2010. Then I have lots to do to plan and prepare for dental school, that is a whole nother story that I'll save for another day!

From January until now I've lost a total of 20 pounds. It's slow going but I'm working at it little by little. I get on track and do really well, then the next thing I know I've completely fallen off and eaten a weeks worth of chocolate! lol but i'm flucuating between 18 and 20 pounds being off. Today on the scale, it was 20! So I'm happy for that! Woo Hoo for One-derland! :)

I'm making arrangements to move out on my own. I'm 23 years old, I think I can handle it... I hope! Everyone keeps telling me I'm going to want to run home after I realize the expenses of being on my own, but I need to make changes and moves for myself. I kinda feel like my mom won't make the changes and moves that she needs to if I'm still living with her. She worries about me too much and not being taken care of... but if I'm having trouble, trust me! I will let everyone She wants to move back to NY...A.S.A.P. and I have no problem with that. She needs to do what is best for her, but I need to be on my own and show her that I'm ok on my own! Money will be tight because rent isn't cheap, and I'll have bills, but that doesn't mean I can't make ends meet. I'll do whatever I need to! Things will work themselves out. I have faith that they will.

I hope all of you are doing well!

Sunday, March 1, 2009

So here I am...

Finally in with an update. The month of february has skipped on by pretty quickly! I am now on spring break! Thank goodness!! Its been a rough beginning of the semester. SO the plan is for the rest of it to be better and for me to get on my A game.... I have been so unorganized and so flip floppy its been bad!

I didn't lose the 5 pounds for february like I wanted... BLAHHHHHHHHHHH but I did manage to at least lose 1.6 which is better than nothing at all. That just makes me that much closer to my 15 pound mini goal. I know a lot of that has to do with my lack of exercise... but like I said I'm working on a schedule. BUT FOR NOW i'm at a loss of 11.6 pounds... I am not complaining... I am a work in progress just trying to take it one step at a time!

I'm leaving tuesday to go home to NY... I'll be there until Sunday... and then back to school I go with a wonderful presentation due! yay... I am so excited.... lol not really... it just means I got lots of work to do over spring break... so that sucks... but im looking forward to going home and seeing the family. Im not exactly thrilled about the cold weather tho!

Well, I hope u all have been doing well!

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Still sick...

I'm still sick... It's a combination of things, sinus infection, crazy weather, and stress. It's been in the high 60's low 70's lately... when it was just "snowing" the other day. I'm trying to push my way through it. I have managed to attend all my classes thus far for the week so it is a new beginning. I'm trying to take that big girl pill everyday lol and do what I need to do, even being sick! I'm working on school though. Suddenly I've been hit with assignments being due everyday... I'm really exhausted.

I don't know what is going on... I lost 10 pounds, and now have gained 3 pounds :( I don't know why... I haven't been eating anymore than I have been from being sick. Maybe it's just me... who knows. I'm too stressed to really worry about it right now. As long as I total losing 20-25 pounds over the next few months I'll be a happy camper. I have til August to lost it... so one step at a time I suppose!

I know I haven't really been updating as often as I'd like to but things are hectic my way. Even Rob has been writing me asking where I have been and why he hasn't heard from me because he's been worried! I need to sit down and write him a letter... let him know I'm still living!

Well, I should probably go do my homework so that I can get into bed early! Another day of classes and work!

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

blah blah blah

Sometimes that exactly what I feel like. I've had the last couple of days off of work, and I've literally taken advantage of doing nothing!!! I came home from school, and picking up my brother from school, and mother from work... I ate dinner, and got in bed and have been laying in bed since about 7:30. It feels good to be lazy. I haven't really been able to eat lately... I guess it's from being sick... as I am still sick! I should've probably gone to see the doctor, but their just going to tell me the things I already know, and will tell me to take cough medicine or something for my sinuses and etc. I've been feeling a little better, but not enough.

Good news is, I'm getting my car back tomorrow morning. Totaling $1364.75. A month without my car for them to not do my any favors. I'm mad because what they said was originally wrong with the car, was not in fact wrong, so after fixing that, then saying, "oh theres more wrong we need to fix it" the just continue to charge me. Why are u charging me for replacing something that wasn't broke, and you being the mechanic should diagnose things properly before replacing them!!! So there's going to be an argument in the morning... because I feel that they need to do something about the price because they were in no hurry at all to get me my car!!! They said "it'll be ready in a week" then everyday after that it was "by friday" then that day came and it became the middle of next week, and finally it is done... and I will have it tomorrow... I'm just upset over the price... I think it's rediculous considering the amount of time they've had my car, and the things they claimed were wrong... So at 8am, I'll be there, then coming home to nap til I have to leave at 11:30 for class.

I have to work tomorrow night, and I have to say I'm not exactly looking forward to it. As I said I've enjoyed having the last 3 nights off. I feel bad for being lazy and getting next to nothing done, but I think I've needed the time to just sit.

I really need to start doing better in school, and focusing on that being my number 1 priority, so starting Monday... It's going to be 110% out of me!

Still maintaining my 10 pound loss.... without the big appetite I'm hoping to lose 5 more... but we'll see I force myself to eat, but it's very small amounts. I don't know! Anyway... I'm probably going to bed, and taking some nyquil. Hope everyone is well.

Monday, February 2, 2009

10 pounds

So I lost 10 pounds for the month of January... It was kinda accidental in a way... but I'm not complaining. Later I set the goal to make it 10, and I did it!

I'm still horribly sick, but to be honest I think its the amount of stress I carry with me. School is kicking my butt... and it shouldn't be! I think it's the fact that I work 6 days a week, and dont exactly get adequate amounts of sleep! I actually called into work tonight. I feel bad, but I worked sick all weekend, and no one cared... they didn't say it but I felt like they were saying "toughen up"... trust me... I was taking dayquil caplets every 3 hours instead of 4 to overlap the wear-off time! and when I'd get home I'd take nyquil and benadryl... I have to be sick from stress because I actually broke out in hives one night. That doesn't happen to me to often either! I'll be glad when I'm feeling better. The sickness probably also added in the weightloss, but for not I will take it!

I'm so very behind in all my school work from being sick and working this weekend. I needed to do homework and stuff and just couldn't bear to sit and do it. So today, I have to push through it and get done what needs to be done for tomorrow. Title page, and reference page for my behavioral psych class... so that he can approve my topic or not, then I have memory and cognition homework that was due LAST week Tuesday! thats a -10, but in all honesty I've been sick! Have not gone out, have not ate out, have not done anything but sleep and work!

I need to get to work on those assignments and get in bed. Hope all is well.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009


Its been a long day. I'm exhausted... and to make things worse, I'm sick... soo off to sleep i go!

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

It figures...

Another one bites the dust... forgive me for putting it so heartless, please!

Actually, today I went to class, and saw that everyone was acting weird. Then I heard the story... a 22 yr. old black male from hempstead NY was shot in the head Sunday. He was apart of the Aggie Family and heavily involved in the school, and his church/community in NY. He was attending A&T for Political Science and was to graduate this Spring. I didn't know him. However, I would just like to put the newspapers and news channels on blast because they soley referred to him as a "African American Hempstead NY man." From what I heard he was more than just that and feel that he deserves more respect than that! And owe his family an apology!

I guess what irritates me most is based on the fact that he was African American they chalked him up as "another one" that they got off the streets... But failed to mention his many accomplishments and status at A&T and his community back home. They also failed to mention that he was shot because of "mistaken identity" and let me tell you, the person they meant to shoot probably could have been his twin... Wrong place wrong time is what they say... but you mean to tell me, you can't even stand outside your own apartment complex anymore, without fearing a gun going off? Rediculous!

I may not have known you, but R.I.P Dennis Stuart Hayle

I hope they find the person who did this!

Gotta do something!

So January is coming to an end, and I never actually sat down and wrote out 'Resolutions.' I kind of had them in my head, but never made them official. I guess part of that was because I know every year that I usually do... I never come through!

This month for me, has not exactly started off the best. My car is STILL in the shop and it is extremely inconvenient sharing a car with my mom when we have 2 opposite schedules and my days are a whole lot longer than hers. I'm also working 6 days a week, so I have the car all 7 days and it leaves my mom without a car when she has stuff she needs to do, and since she can't, I have to run her errands for her! It's really taking its toll on me. I know I'm making good money, but working 6 days a week is really hard in addition to going to school. I have fallen behind in reading and my assignments and I'm costing myself points!!! So far the things I've handed in have been LATE. That's 5-7 points lost for no good reason. I'm just tired by the time I come home and work on my homework assignments in between classes. I'm going to have to talk to my manager about maybe me only working 4 days a week for right now until I get somethings in order! Then if I can handle it all... go back to working 6 days a week. Right now, school is more important to me... but I also have bills so I have to find a means of success somewhere!

My weightloss isn't going so bad! I've lost another 2 ounces... for a total of 8.8 pounds... and I will say anything is better than nothing. As long as the numbers on the scale continue to go down then I am happy in that department! However, I am thinking about canceling my gym membership. I do have an option and a pretty little fee to do that, but I just can't seem to get myself over there to workout. There is a gym at A&T that I can use for "free" so to speak, and I also have a treadmill, elliptical and weights at the house... so really I have no excuse not to exercise... Just have to drag all the equipment out and put it to work! But at this time, I think it's best I cancel it because I just can't continue to waste money on something that isn't being put to use. Plus its hard to get my mom to go, because ever since my mom had Gastric Bypass surgery and she's lost 80+ pounds.. my stepdad acts really funny anytime she leaves the house... it really gets on my nerves to be honest. I'm not fond of my stepdad anyway... i could really do without him. But that's a story I will save for another day!

Well... I'm off to get ready for class at 12:30 and 3:30... Hope you all are doing well!

Thursday, January 22, 2009


So... we had a snow day on Tuesday... It was literally just a dusting of snow... no need to close campus, I think it was just closed due to the inauguration. I must admit.. I got a little emotional during that. From everything we learn in history that we as a country have had to go through to get where we are today is amazing... Change is good! It was a moment in time I will never forget!

I'm doing the best that I can, although I slacked off last night with my homework. It wasn't actually homework. It was just extra credit. I'm going to finish it between classes today because it's not due until 3:30. I've been really BLAH lately... that's probably the best way to describe my mood... I'm just going with the flow of things.... hoping to get into some kind of routine that I enjoy!

I've been working on the "diet" but haven't gotten to the exercise... I need to get with it, but as I said I gotta figure somethings out and set designated times to go to the gym! I have to have a plan. I just need to force myself to put energy into making that plan! I have lost 8.6 pounds though-Since January 1st. I guess it's just from keeping busy and walking campus, and using stairs instead of the elevator, plus I've cut down on the amount of junk I eat... and I'm usually at work, so I'm running around there and not around food. I guess it's a workout for 4-5 hours a night considering I carry back and forth wedding gowns that can weigh anywhere from 1-10 pounds.... and I usually carry 3 or 4 at a time... so in a round about way it's a mini workout. Anything is better than sitting on my butt! I'm really wasting money on the gym membership though, so I need to get using it! I just dread all the "resolutioners" lol They'll start to slack off by mid february. My goal is to get a gym routine by february 1st ... by then I'll be settled in with school, and work, and my life can be more organized. I'm happy about the almost 9 pounds! It's not bad for 3 (+/-) weeks. I guess 10 pounds is my goal... if i lose another 1.4 by the time the month is over... i'll be good. It seems managable!

Well, thats all for me! Hope y'all are doing well!

Monday, January 19, 2009

20th of the month...

I know this gets boring... I'm sorry I post this stuff, but it's my way of venting... I hate talking to the people around me about it, I sorta feel like everyone gets tired of hearing it... but I get tired of living it! Sometimes I feel like I'm ok, and I can skip over the days in some months, but for the most part I relive the 18th- the 25th of July. No matter how fast time moves on, sometimes I feel like I'm left living in that exact moment. The 18th was pretty much the last time I ever spoke to Josh... I IM'd him on the 19th, late at night... and I figured he had just gone to bed early... He had definitely gone to sleep, and drifted away. Sometimes I wish I could turn back the pages of time, and rewrite certain parts. There's times where I wish I could go back to being the person I was before, but she's gone too. I'm changed for good, and this is me... who I am. I will never be who I was, too much has gone on, too much has changed around me, and it's changed me too. Six months has gone by so quickly and I swear there is not a day that the thought of Josh does not cross my mind. Sometimes I think I'm just so afraid that I'm going to forget all the memories... There's this huge empty space in my life and in my heart... and I wanna fill it, I feel like if it's filled I'll feel better, but thats not really the case. I don't know what will make me feel better. I'm changing my life... in hopes to find a new direction. I really like school, but I'm sorta just winging it right now... like I know I should be putting more effort and etc. in to it, but my mind is in so many other places... I also really like my job, but I don't have time to think the time I come outta there... I'm so tired, I can't feel anything.

Last night, I sat at Applebee's for 4 hours drinking... They probably should've cut me off a long time before they closed, but the bartender knew me since we used to work together, and she kept the drinks coming... I ended up hanging out with Marcus after... I know.... people will probably be talking, but it wasn't like that. It's actually the first time I ever hung out with Marcus... so it was interesting to have a real conversation with him. I think he knew I had stuff on my mind that was bothering me... So we talked... it was different.

I feel so drained... and restless... searching for some organization in my life... some kind of happiness. or maybe just an answer to some question.

Going to bed.... goodnight

Tuesday, January 13, 2009


I feel like it's been longer than just a week for an update! It's been crazy let me tell you. A&T is great although I didn't make it to me 10am class yesterday or my 12:30 class today... It's just my luck that when I have to drive and hour (+) to school my car would start acting up... So yesterday, I had the neighbor look at it, and he said it would be ok to go to my 11:00 & 2:00 so I went... but when I got out of my 2:00 class, my car was making a crazy noise when I turned it on, and the coolant is literally leaking out but not on the ground.... SO it overheated and was smoking... I had to call a tow truck.... and had to be at work too! Needless to say, I was late for work, and ended up having to leave my car unlocked with the keys in it under the floor mat in the middle of the "ghetto" for the tow truck guy.... who NEVER CAME TO GET MY CAR!!! So I called my friend who lives in the dorms and asked her to see if my car was still out there, and made her get the keys out of it and lock it up... then I called the tow truck company... and they said "we couldn't find it" which is a DAMN LIE because it's right there out in the open!!! 2001 WHITE pontiac grand am GT!!!!!!! only one on the street that I said it was on at 7:30pm... so my mom drove an hour to pick me up from work at 10, and then we went over to A&T and she messed with it some, and we ended up driving it back to Madison where I live to the Auto place by the house... So this morning I had to go over there and talk to them. But, I don't have a car to get to my classes. My mom had a bunch of stuff to do today in between work. SO I was without a car, but I have the car now to go to my 3:30 class then I have to come back and get her from work and drop her off at the house, and then go to the court for the class I have to take for the open container ticket... It's a big inconvenient run around to tell u the truth! But, it could be worse, I'm just praying the engine in this car isn't blown like the last car! I don't know what I would do, and my father would go crazy!!! I feel like I'm off to a bad start with classes cuz I've already missed, but it's really not my fault!

On another note, I love my job at David's Bridal. It's so much fun, so there's no complaints there!

I've been having emotional issues on and off with Josh. I know the healing process takes time, but somedays are really bad, and I can't keep it together for long periods of time... I end up crying, and I don't even know why... it seems like he's on my mind an awful lot... and then it upsets me because I miss him, and I'll never get to see him again.... at least not in this lifetime. It hurts!

In all the business of my life, running around, and eating less and better food choices I've managed to drop a total of 7 pounds... so I'm really excited!!! I have 8 more pounds to go to meet my FIRST goal!!! I really need to get a set schedule, so that I can make time to go to the gym, but I'm gonna have to wait to see how this car situation plays out!

Anyway, hope yall are all doing well!

Wednesday, January 7, 2009


It's official!!! I am registered for classes and those start tomorrow at 12:30pm for me! I'm excited! I went to the Induction Ceremony this afternoon. It was interesting. I'm only taking 5 classes which was my choice. I met with the Dean of the Psychology department, and he was really nice. Dr. Robinson was his name. He did an override and put me in all the classes I wanted to be in... even if they were full. So it was great to get what I wanted! lol Plus, he even put me on a different curriculum schedule because I already have 2 associate degress so it may allow me to graduate early!! YAY :)

I got everything I needed straightened out with all my health records... They claimed my tetnus shot wasn't up to date... so I had to get another one in the Student Health Center.... it was crazy! This old woman was talking to me then said "I'm going to do the shot breathe in" and as I was about to say OK she jabbed the needle in and said 'Welcome to A&T" lol... it hurt! and my arm is killing me today!!

Of course, I'm not recieving financial aid.... but I went to the financial aid office to see what was available to me... lol NOTHING! So... I've been put on a waiting list for a Minority Pell Grant but chances are I will be done and graduated by the time I get it. Then I applied for the Financial aid for Native American students and couldn't recieve that... because check out their answer.... something about it can only be a NC STATE tribe, and mine in Canadian... LOL so I asked... who do I talk to about arguing it.... because Native American is Native American... whether it be any of the 50 states or Canada... so I had to apply to make an appointment with the Dean of Student Affairs... and it may seem like a waste of time... but I want to know why it's like that!!! But overall, my tuition is not what I thought it was going to be. Only 1800.00.... that's not including books tho... those will probably be about 500-700... as they usually are! Still 2500 for a whole semester isn't bad at all! So I am pretty pleased to say the least. I am tired though! I've done so much running around it is rediculous!! I would love to take a nap... which is probably what I'll do... a 30 minute power nap until I have to leave for work at 4:00...

But just wanted to update... it's official... I'm an AGGIE!!!!!!! :)

Sunday, January 4, 2009

So much to do and the clock is winding down.

A&T: Well I filled out as much stuff online as I could... but then I went to print out the papers that I needed and realized that I have a new laptop (that I got for christmas...) and my printer program isn't loaded on this comp... so then I go get the disk and pop it in and I keep getting a pop up basically saying (in short terms) theres an error and the program isn't compatable with the software or something. I now have window vista.. and on the other program I think was windows me... or something... I don't even know! So I am frustrated!! The library is closed on Sundays so I couldn't even make my way over there to do some printing... good grief! So tomorrow morning my mom is going to print the paperwork out for me from work, and then I'm going to pick it up during her lunch, or maybe I should just fax it while I'm there.... kill 2 birds with 1 stone!

Student Loans: Ok, so because my mother is college educated/graduated and makes a descent amount of money they claim I'm not eligible for financial aid basically she makes just enough money to still remain broke when bills are paid yet i pay full price for college because i'm HONEST... so I need to take out student loans. The last 2 semesters at the community college my father paid for in cash, but other than that I do have 4 years worth of student loans. I wanted to consolidate them considering the interest is killing me and their private loans because the community college didn't offer any kind of federal loans. They claimed it cost them more money, then they were making in tuition, so they did away with it. I have private loans, and yes... my time limit is up on 1 of them... with an interest rate of 12% !!! Unfortunately due to our economy we can no longer consolidate our student loans! I was very upset to find this out, so instead... I'm going to take out yet again another student loan to pay for my tuition for this semester and enough to pay off the other loan, because after researching the federal stafford loan has a fixed interest rate of 6.8% which is MUCH better than 12% and I won't have to pay it until after I graduate college (completely) and then I have a max. of up to 10 years to pay it... so yes it sucks, but it has it's benefits... My grandfather was my cosigner for the private loans... and I'd really like to get all that out of his name because when I'm strapped for cash he tends to make the payment for me... He does enough so.... I want to fix that situation! It's not his worry and responsibility to pay it...

I still have so much to do tomorrow it's crazy! Melissa told me to relax because this always happens, and even though they give deadlines, they'll still take my paperwork and etc even if it's past the deadline... She said at most I end up having to pay a $50 late fee for registration purposes, but I have until next Monday to get everything squared away... I'd like to have it done sooner though because classes start Thursday! Melissa and I went to Ihop and sat and talked over dinner about everything. I'm still overwhelmed but I'll be alright... It's nothing that I can't handle... and of course Melissa makes me laugh... she just says... "get used to it.... black people... end of story" I try not to generalize or stereotype... but she has no problem telling me!

I also have to work from 5:00-9:30 so Monday will be a very busy day. I'm going to be tired... so I will probably get to bed within the next half hour and get some rest... wish me luck... I'm gonna need it to get the list I have accomplished!

Busy Day...and exhausted...

I worked yesterday. It is January... why are girls already buying their prom dresses. I sold 2 prom dresses... no wedding gowns... it was hectic! Bridal Saturdays are definitely CRAZY! My feet hurt, and on top of it I was sick yesterday... so I didn't use the best of my selling techniques. This one girl refused to reschedule another appointment and demanded i help her try on all the dresses she wanted.. we do hour & a half blocks of time for each bride and if they need more time they need to reschedule... so needless to say 2 hours and some change later I was still with the same bride who just had no idea what she wanted. It's common, but work with me! I've done the best that I could with you, and I'm not feeling well! jeez! So I have this crazy work schedule which is NOTHING like the availability that I wrote down for these people so I need to get with the manager who makes the schedule and get her to fix it because I have A LOT to do this week.

Today I need to get to work on my paperwork for A&T. Because Monday morning, I have a feeling, the rest of A&T and I will be standing in line trying to get the information we need. It's better I have everything complete tonight and go from there... Melissa said if I needed her to, she would go with me and help me find everything I need.... I've only hung out at A&T with her... lol I have no idea where actual buildings and offices are... so it's going to be an adventure. I was going to plan to take 6 classes (18 credit hours) but my mom said maybe I should take less than that... stay full time but use this first semester to kinda ease myself in... because Universities are different! I don't know... I will see what happens when I get there and meet with an advisor...

Other than paperwork, I would like to try to finish my bathroom... and get that squared away... so far it looks really good, and I'm loving it! My step family is GONE!!!!!! Thank God!!! That means I won't have to see them for a very long time!!! But I guess thats all for my today!

Friday, January 2, 2009


(Me & Melissa at AP's last night 1-1-09)
I went out... because it was Melissa's only night off. Along with working at Applebees, she works a third shift job... so she had off for the new year and we finally got to go out!!! I really didn't want to, but I ended up having a pretty good time, so I'm glad that I went.
I'm feeling better than I did the night of my last post... but that's how it is... one day I'm a mess and the next I'm alright... I supposed eventually I will get used to Josh being gone, and accept that it happened and I can't change it.
I have been sooo sick!!! ugh!! I know I mentioned that my step family was here... and well they've all been sick... now, is it me or do people generally come visit people when all 3 of them are sick? I wouldn't I would've stayed home rather then travel! So because their ignorant... they came anyway, and did not hesitate to cough all over the place and spread germs... and you'd think someone would cover their mouth!! Anyway... I felt alright enough to go out, I had a couple drinks... but of course was regretting it. I have a very high alcohol intake so when I stopped at 2 Martini's Melissa knew something was wrong!! lol My stomach was bothering me to begin with but I still went out. By the time I got home... I was back and forth from the bathroom from about 4am until 8pm. I've been sleeping most of the day. Even now, I'm still laying in bed. I feel drained... I need to try to get a little bit of food in my system hoping that I can keep it down. I've been drinking gingerale which has helped a little bit, but not enough. I have to work at Davids Bridal tomorrow from 3-8... so I know it's going to be hectic running around with Bride's trying on so many dresses and so on and so forth. Hopefully I find the energy to do so! It's supposed to be crazy because New Years Eve is one of the biggest engagement days... so they say that it gets crazy that first weekend of the New Year... so wish me luck! I'm going to need it. Hopefully I won't be getting sick while I'm there.
I also have A LOT to do for A&T. I have to finish paperwork and take it there on Monday. Then on Tuesday and Wednesday is what they call Orientation and University experience. I guess I have to be there for both. I also have to call about the MADD program that I have to attend for the open container in a moving vehicle violation.... blaaah... I learned my lesson.. drive your own vehicle!!!!!!!!! lol I had big plans for today and didn't get to any of it! My bathroom isn't completed yet... But as soon as I'm feeling better and get it finished I will post some pics!