Monday, January 19, 2009

20th of the month...

I know this gets boring... I'm sorry I post this stuff, but it's my way of venting... I hate talking to the people around me about it, I sorta feel like everyone gets tired of hearing it... but I get tired of living it! Sometimes I feel like I'm ok, and I can skip over the days in some months, but for the most part I relive the 18th- the 25th of July. No matter how fast time moves on, sometimes I feel like I'm left living in that exact moment. The 18th was pretty much the last time I ever spoke to Josh... I IM'd him on the 19th, late at night... and I figured he had just gone to bed early... He had definitely gone to sleep, and drifted away. Sometimes I wish I could turn back the pages of time, and rewrite certain parts. There's times where I wish I could go back to being the person I was before, but she's gone too. I'm changed for good, and this is me... who I am. I will never be who I was, too much has gone on, too much has changed around me, and it's changed me too. Six months has gone by so quickly and I swear there is not a day that the thought of Josh does not cross my mind. Sometimes I think I'm just so afraid that I'm going to forget all the memories... There's this huge empty space in my life and in my heart... and I wanna fill it, I feel like if it's filled I'll feel better, but thats not really the case. I don't know what will make me feel better. I'm changing my life... in hopes to find a new direction. I really like school, but I'm sorta just winging it right now... like I know I should be putting more effort and etc. in to it, but my mind is in so many other places... I also really like my job, but I don't have time to think the time I come outta there... I'm so tired, I can't feel anything.

Last night, I sat at Applebee's for 4 hours drinking... They probably should've cut me off a long time before they closed, but the bartender knew me since we used to work together, and she kept the drinks coming... I ended up hanging out with Marcus after... I know.... people will probably be talking, but it wasn't like that. It's actually the first time I ever hung out with Marcus... so it was interesting to have a real conversation with him. I think he knew I had stuff on my mind that was bothering me... So we talked... it was different.

I feel so drained... and restless... searching for some organization in my life... some kind of happiness. or maybe just an answer to some question.

Going to bed.... goodnight


Big Mark 243 said...

I don't think that you need to apologize for sharing what you are feeling. Dealing with loss, which is what I gather you are, takes as long as it has to for you to deal with it.

Don't want to advise you about how to go about things, but I will implore you to do what is best for you no matter how much it hurts. Get it together, get your school work in, handle your business, and the things that aren't good for you, like drinking and hanging out with sketchy people (the way you referenced 'Marcus', qualifies as 'sketchy'), because they will drag you down and away from where you want to go.

It will be alright. You got good things to look forward to, so look forward to them! Manage to get there in the best shape possible so that you can do your best!