Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Just Beautiful!

The last few days, I've been feeling really good. I've been going to bed early (but sort of slacking on my homework- i'll have to do double time this weekend, but that's ok, the sleep feels wonderful) I actually feel good!

Sunday was an interesting day for me. I didn't sleep that well thinking about the things people do. I decided to say F' it, and put the negativity to good use.
I decided that since there was suddenly so many people that dislike me, and want to put my name all over myspace and facebook bad mouthing me... that I wouldn't bother to even let it get to me. I'm sick and tired of people that want to hurt others while their down to make matters worse, and then turn around and still wanna stab you in the back and kick you because your happy and they are not. (Men, past men... no longer my present of future.) I don't know what it is... is it necessary to constantly call me a "fat bitch" and then post it all over myspace? Like can't you come with something more original... My dear friend-ex- my nothing of the last 8 years. I remember when I loved him... it's funny, He was my first love and a small part of me will always hold him in my heart just because he was the first person I chose to make adult decisions with, and chose to give my heart to. There was a lesson learned in that. But the abuse, I will NOT stand for. I did at one point, because I thought that it was what I deserved. However... I deserve better than he could ever give me. Sometimes i feel like he's jealous. Not of my relationships- because I have none, yet, and that is ok with me. But I feel like he's jealous of my accomplishments and the life I live. I'm working on finishing my THIRD college degree when he doesn't even have one. He hates that I'm at A&T- he thinks its just another way for me to "want to be black"- No offence to the black race, but I do not want to be black. I am very happy with the color I am, and I do not in anyway try to be something I am not. I am who I am. Now forgive me for even going there, but have you ever seen those white girls that got their hair all weaved and braided up, dress in only rockawear, dereon, baby phat, etc... and think their hood... and oh lord, when they open their mouthes they even sound more ridiculous than they look!!! That's not me.. Or the white girls that approach black men and wanna talk about how their up on black culture because they listen to 50 cent and Young Jeezy.. or Gucci man... Again, that's not me. I'm me. So granted I go to A&T, but this was my choice. I'm happy with my choice. There was no intentions of "wanting to be black" or "blacker" for that At the end of the day it's not worth it. Aside for the Administration errors I am faced with at A&T, I am very proud to be an Aggie, and can honestly say, I have learned a lot here. I've learned higher education, yes. But I've also learned personal values. I've accepted things and have been instilled with Pride. Nobody can break me down and make me believe otherwise. Sorry for the sake of him, but that's how it is.
As for the negativity and the lack of support, I've used it in my favor. I have my own issues and insecure with my body image, but in all honesty... there's nothing about me that cannot be fixed. I struggle with my weight. I always have since I was a child. Some people say that Obesity is a choice, and in some cases it may be. I however, believe that it is in some cases genetic as well. You cannot help your health problems that have been passed on to you from your family genes. My mother had undergone Gastric Bypass 2 years ago, and I must say, it is probably the best thing that she has ever done for herself. She too struggled with her weight. Through having the surgery, they found additional health problems that had nothing to do with her weight, that they tend to blame on "being obese" so- with that said, I'm happy she's had the surgery and now knows the value of eating healthier and living longer. Now, I'm not in a place where I need to undergo weightloss surgery, I do not want to get to that point either. Since Monday, I've tried to eat healthier and I have worked out and done cardio everyday thus far. The last time I blogged about weightloss I set a goal of losing 14.2 pounds. Since then, I have lost 3.8 pounds. Monday I walked 1 mile, just to kind of force my body into some kind of movement-- to make an attempt to get into a routine. Tuesday I walked 2 miles, and jogged a little bit. It's hard for me to jog/run, I'm not in shape for one, and two it's rough on my ankle. But I intend on shaping that up too. I want to be in a place where I'm healthy and strong enough to run in a 5K or something.... (i think thats what its called) But baby steps... a day at a time. I decided that this week would only involve cardio, I have to get my body used to it. I got in a situation where I was sort of depressed, and didn't want to do anything productive... so I sat on my butt- TALKED about exercising and losing weight, but mostly sat in front of the computer or doing homework. I have a lot going on this semester, but there's no excuse for not taking 30 minutes to an hour to do something to better myself health/physical wise.
So that's that. Mr. Text message is out of the question too. Out of no where he said that he didn't want to talk to me every again because he was no longer interested in me like that. Then, the following day (tuesday) he said that maybe him n I could start over but not right now.... well forget it, because one I have no idea what I did for him to even be acting this way, and two, I don't need it, I don't need him or his friendship... so peace out! LOL maybe later, when he's finished doing whatever he's doing with somebody else, then he'll come back... PLEASE whatever. Better him be gone, then playing with my emotions on a day to day basis because he doesn't know what he wants to do with his life. I guess it's just meant for me to enjoy my single days, and maybe i'll meet somebody on my level in dental school.

Well, that's all for me. It's 11:50 and I have class at 12:00 so I have to get out off here, and head to my next class. Have a great day!


Big Mark 243 said...

I feel like he's jealous of my accomplishments and the life I live. I'm working on finishing my THIRD college degree when he doesn't even have one. He hates that I'm at A&T- he thinks its just another way for me to "want to be black"

That was interesting because that is a big part of his issues. You are moving on and past him into a different world without him. He will never be able to go where you are going, never be able to fit in with the people you will be associating with.

Trying to use the ol' 'you wanna act/be black' stuff is so weak. You are trying to 'be' anything, you are doing YOU!

When I was your age, I was still running around saying Ice Cube's 'I'm The Ni**a You Love To Hate' line, because there were so many folks envious and jealous. They were called 'haters' then. Their M.O. hasn't changed.

If they can't take a joke, eff 'em, I say!

I was thinking about how crappy a deal it is for women and body image. Though I have always been cut atheletically, I have never felt compelled to have to 'look' a certain way. This, even though I wanted to be slim like Thomas Hearns or Alexis Arguello!

Guys don't have to get caught up with how much they weigh or look body image wise, unless it relates to their profession. Otherwise, they walk around with their fat showing from under their shirt!

It isn't that way for women and that is a shame. When I look at your pictures, I always see a sexy, beautiful young women. I know I am not the only one... your hater does. But their is an image insecurity that men play on. They will continue to exploit that weakness as long as they can get into someone's pants. Hater guy can't keep it together enough to do that. He is drunk on 'hater-ade'!

You have to believe that you are as beautiful as I think you are, because your someone special will be able to see your inner beauty radiate more clearly when your truly believe it in yourself.

When you get your degree and start your new life, be sure to take a new attitude about yourself and you self image. Everything is there for you... pretty WOMAN and a pretty name... you should be looking forward to a wonderful life!