Saturday, January 16, 2010

In a Mood

I don't know what mood exactly, I just know that people have helped put me there. For starters, We all have pasts. Do we not? Why must we dwell on them? Some people just thrive off of misery. I can't forgive you and move on, but no, I don't forget. I forgave with attempt to have a friendship... after 10 years and the amount of things that has gone through, I feel like we should be mature enough to turn the other cheek, and start a new chapter... But it seems like that is just absolutely impossible for some people. I really just need to walk away and say the hell with it because in 10 years we've gotten know where, this half ass friendship we have is worthless, and I'm tired of dealing with the stress.

I have faults, I have a past, I've made mistakes, but is there a constant need to remind a person of these things, and rub it in their face? I don't think so. I think I need to re-evaluate some people in my life and just let them go. It takes too much time and energy to try to be civil with people who don't really appreciate you at the end of the day... It's just time to move forward.

I continuously make promises to myself... and then I break them. I really need to have more faith in myself. I need to care about myself more. I need to maintain my promises and goals in keeping myself healthy.... not just physically but mentally and emotionally as well. I have enough stress with school, let alone having bad company in my life that add to it, and then I end up feeling like "THIS" (whatever this is). I don't like it, because it's a lonely unappreciated feeling. I don't know, I can't really describe it. But enough of this... I'll figure it out.


I managed to get my transcript all worked out last week, so I went and got the application for graduation, and have one last appointment with the dean of the Psych department, and then I am good to hand it in to the registrar's office. And pretty much, I have my ducks all lined up in a row to graduate in May. I'm going to pass all my classes this semester so I am not too worried about it. There's no reason for me not to. I'm pretty excited for the most part. January is almost over, and then I have the month of February... and then Spring break in March, and then my last day of classes is April 30th.... this time is going to fly. There will be lots of big changes for me. It's such a bitter sweet feeling. I'll be leaving North Carolina. I've been here since I was 16. I've had many ups and downs and grown into a mature adult here. I have good memories and I have bad, and though I'm excited to finally be going home... I'm also very sad as well. I just don't know any other way to describe than by saying it will be Bitter sweet.

I'm in the oddest of moods... I'm angry with a so called friend... tired of crying and fighting for things that just aren't worth the trouble... sad because of changes in my life even though for the most part they are going to be good... I'm bored, and don't want to do anything (how is that possible) I'd rather just lay in bed and mope around... I've been very unproductive today due to how I'm feeling. Maybe I can just make myself a cup of hot chocolate and enjoy some movies... Maybe get a few things done tonight. I should at least do an hour with of productive work just so that this day isn't a complete waste.

As for my health I'm debating on WW again. I hate doing it, well I shouldn't say that I hate it... I just get to a point where I get bored with it and I get off track and quit following it. I just don't know. At one point I had a workout regimen that I followed that was awesome for me, but I have no idea what I've done with it, so I need to come up with something remotely similar. I need to figure out the weights/toning thing again... I'm good with cardio I have lots of info on cardio... it's just the weights I never know what to do. I hate my calves because I feel like their big, so I hate to do anything with my legs because I fear my calves becoming bigger... but at the same time, I need leg workouts to strengthen my legs due to the muscle/nerve damage from my car accident in 2004. My right leg is slightly larger than my left... I'm also right side dominant, so thats one reason, but my right leg is also what got it worst in the car accident for theres always lots of swelling all these years later! My arms, I hate I feel like their so fat that I have no other choice but to wear long sleeves to cover them up. lol not so much my forearms... so I'm usually in a 3/4 length shirt... just to cover what the plastic surgeons call "bat wings" Im so insecure to the point where I've actually looked into dealing with the scars and just cutting the skin off! It's terrible. So I need to figure out how to tone those areas of the body and make my skin shrink up!!! Anyway... I believe I am done complaining for today so I will end here.

Hope you all are well.

(This picture to the right shows my calves that I hate entirely too much- I'm the one on the right with the black & teal blue shoes)

(and in this pic I'm in the leopard shirt... you can clearly see my fat arms- its a nightmare... I need to get to work on improving myself!!!)


Big Mark 243 said...

Let me begin by again reminding you of how hot you are. And though I can't provide you with onsite instruction, there are plenty of tips and exercises that I could suggest to you!

For a long time,I simply let my past and the people in it, be that. The decision for my 'trips down memory lane' was under the guise that it was 'new' for me. That I did so despite what I sensed was faulty about it... instead of a 'lesson learned', it is more like a 'verification'.

There are reasons that when we look ahead, anyone in our rear view grow small until they disappear. Either they are going in their own direction or are stuck and meant to be left behind.

If someone is able to journey with you, that will happen. I don't think the cost of their trip should be a great burden to you. With you being on the cusp of an achievement that you have worked hard for, focus on getting that finished.

Whether they are a friend or something that you hoped would be more than that, if they are in a rut, it is okay to leave them there. The idea of keeping a balance between what was and still trying to get to where you want to go is risky.

I could go on, but there are some things that has to be experienced. In the time I have followed your journey, I think you have experienced enough to know better. The entry itself is a mark of your growth.

Painful as it may be, it is a sign that you are growing and becoming who you are going to be next. No problems if someone isn't growing as well. No matter how you may feel about them, you have to make sure you grow for you!