Tuesday, July 13, 2010


I sat the night in the Emergency Room.

It's almost 3am and I literally just got home about 20 mins ago. They took x-rays and prescribed me meds, but I'm still currently in pain. I have to go have an ultrasound tomorrow at 2pm, and who knows... based on the results of that... if the large amounts of medicine they have me taking don't work, then I may need to have surgery. Maybe the removal of my gallbladder... I don't know.. that's just what the doctor was talking about and the pain I am experiencing. I swear if it isn't one thing it is another... and what a sucky time to maybe need surgery and not have any health insurance since you were kicked off you parents for turning 24 and A&T cancelled my student health Ins. since I graduated! I'm destined to pile on the debt I think. But I don't care. I have been in pain for months and hiding it for months. No matter what I eat, I am ALWAYS in pain. It's bad if all you eat is a yogurt and your in so much pain with your stomach and the discomfort with you side and back that all you can do is lay down and try to wait for it to subside!

I sat in the ER alone, by myself texting back and forth with Andre. I'm the type of person who has to say what I need to say to your face... I hate the talking over the phone, and texting because I feel like I can't truly get my feelings or expression across and sometimes, well, too often it is misinterpreted for "arguing"... I feel that it's necessary I say my goodbye to him in person because most likely... we won't be friends, and it brings a tear to my eye to say that I'll probably never see him again. I know he may or may not feel anything for me... I really can't tell anymore... but for my own personal piece of mind. I need to speak to him in person and say my goodbye to his face... he says i'm asking for too much. I don't think I was asking for too much. Yes, things moved entirely too fast between him and I, but unfortunately all those things felt right at the time... It's not like I intended to hurt anyone. I was straight forward about my situation from the day we went on our first date. We both did it, we both became attached... and well now he's putting it off on me, and playing this game... and YES. He's winning. I feel like the bad guy. I don't want to argue with him... I just need to tell him how I feel, and tell him everything to his face. I'm a crier. I'm going to cry. I can't help that... I know it's over here. I know that I'll never see the guy again and apart of my process to let go is to cry. But I also need him to know that I did care, and he is just acting like a complete fool! First he says he can't believe I'm leaving him, and he hates it... now he's acting like its no big deal, and he doesn't need to see me or let me say goodbye. He acts like I'm overreacting, and that I rushed into things with him all by myself and he never wanted it. Why do guys do that? Why is it so easy for them to turn their emotions off? Why can't I be more like that. The last text he sent me said "I'll let you know when you can see me"... In my mind I'm thinking.... F U!!! like your so dang busy your need to let me know when I can see you. So I am hurt, and I'm in pain-still. And really I just need the closure of that part of my life for me. Not for him, and I don't feel like it's too much to ask of him... and I hate that he's treating me this way now... like I'm just another person. It really pisses me off to be quite frank... because later on... maybe not tomorrow or this week, but later on he will text me and say he misses me or hates that I left him.... it's become a cycle with him since about the first of June. Maybe even late May.... I know I'm leaving, He knows I'm leaving... for good. Just let me say the goodbye I need to say. Let me cry, and lets move on! I am sad about it, but oh well. It's just so many other mixed emotions involved that I'm sad about in general. stressing about my health doesn't help either.

Even though it hurts when I eat, I need to find a small light snack because I can't eat after 7am and have to be back at the hospital by 130pm for my ultrasound appointment. Maybe we can get to the bottom of my pain issues... and maybe, well maybe I can fall asleep and wake up forgetting I was ever involved with Andre. Sometimes he really knows how to push me... and what I hate is he knows he makes me cry... I really don't think I was asking for much to say goodbye. UGH! it frustrates me! and I don't feel good.