Tuesday, July 13, 2010


Here it is July 13th already and my life seems like it is everywhere! I thought things would be simple. I thought it would be easy to pack up all my belongings and head home to Buffalo. I was wrong.

I made an 8 year life out of North Carolina...when things were bad and I wanted to turn around and go back to NY... I made it work. I developed relationships and friendships here... but truth be told... maybe I've done all there is to do in NC. Well, Greensboro at least.

But even at that, and the bitter sweet feeling I have. My friends here are leaving as I've made the decision to go to school's elsewhere. It's like starting all over again. Well, really I am. While I was in Buffalo I went to the University of Buffalo to get some paperwork things done, and being there didn't feel like "home" I don't know... I guess it's because I adjusted and am used to the livelihood of A&T... I hate to say this, but UB is just plain boring!!! I'm sure once I am settled into classes and what not I will develop new friend ships.... but for now... I'm missing my Aggies.

I started seeing a pretty nice guy too... right at the wrong time. I know he's not "the one" but we sure did have some fun together. He kind of avoids me now that he knows I'm definitely leaving. I was straight forward with him though. I told him from day one that I was moving to NY. I know apart of him didn't want to get to close to me, but we managed to... and I know another part of him thought he was going to convince me to stay. I feel bad because I almost feel like I hurt him. I've cried quite a few times over him and we arent even to a point of a relationship like that. But we had so much fun together. I know he's upset with me, and plays like the tough guy like it doesn't matter but I am well capable as a psychology major of seeing through some of the acts people put on for others. I just don't know what to do about Andre. We talk still, and while I was in Buffalo he sent me a text that said "I can't believe your really leaving me... I hate it" But if I stayed in North Carolina... would it be for me or him? I really do have feelings for him, but if I stay knowing hes not the one I'm meant to be with.... where will that leave me? I never meant to hurt him... even though he says hes ok and he's going to be ok with out me. I know he will, but I know what it feels like to be left... and whether hes really hurt or just trying to get with me... my intention was never to get this serious so fast....but things happen I guess.

As far as Buffalo goes... even if its not where I'm supposed to be permanently. I am however devoting the next 5-6 years of my life there until I am finished with Dental school. After that, I will go wherever calls me. I have no commitments nor do I have anything holding me back... so once I walk across the stage with the DDS. I can go anywhere and start new.

It's just a lot of mixed emotions. Funny thing is I know life in Buffalo isn't going to be the same. The people that were once my friends will be people I know, but we won't always be friends. But things change and people grow apart. Then there's people that I didn't think would be my choice of a good friend that are better friends than I thought my "best friends" were. It's going to be challenging, but I'll make my life work... and it's probably better I don't have the old friends I once had because unfortunately I know they will just bring me down. They settle for what they have rather than striving for more. I'm striving for more....though sometimes it is a pain and a hard road to take... but I feel like I'm supposed to do something better than just settle for what is in front of me.

So I have to finish packing among a lot of things that I need to take care of before I leave... but it's always just a step at a time.


Big Mark 243 said...

Getting to the end of your entry and seeing Marilyn Monroe confirms what I see when I see your pictures. What I wonder is, do you see it in yourself.

Feeling the way that you do about the boy in town is a good sign. But you know, I don't necessarily think you should let that hang over you. I know that I don't after I share with women up front about the 'less than flattering' parts of my life. Let them know what they are getting into and that is that, for real. So let a tremble go through you body for that cat, but move on and don't look back.

Including Carolina. Listen, I LIKE CAROLINA. Should have never left, but I did. Still like the place. Gonna fly to Omaha in two weeks. Said that to say, you have got to move forward. You aren't running from or running to, you are moving apace on YOUR PATH. Keep on moving.

Can't place the Andre cat, but what I do recall from your time at A&T was that emotionally, it was draining for you. Brush those crumbs off your collar, for real.

It is hard and I know it, but you have to make decisions on what is the thing for you to do. That is what is going to bring the things you want and the things you think aren't there into your life.

Be well!!