Monday, June 21, 2010

Day 1 isn't so bad....

So, it's been months since I've written... and in that time a lot has changed.

I've graduated with my BA. in Psychology.
I've lost some loved ones and am still healing.
I've met many guys, but am caught up with 1 right now. That I just can't understand
I'm moving to NY. (so the guy above will be out of the picture soon)
I've gained an additional 8 pounds to my already high weight.
I'm sad.
I truly feel some days that I am depressed. I don't want to get out of bed. I even sleep the day away. For the most part I'm pretty good at hiding it.
I'm scared to move back home to Buffalo. So much has changed, and I have changed... where do I fit?

I could go on and on, about ME and my emotions, and where my life is going and not going. I'm 24 years old, and sometimes I feel so unaccomplished.

Today was the fist day of working on me.
I did a little packing, I've been following and doing very well on my diet... I forced myself to do this. Its either start now, or keep packing on the pounds, and I just cannot let that happen. I'm currently at the highest weight I have ever been.... I feel terrible. Not just emotionally over it, but physically... I have no energy and I am TIRED all the time... I dont want to feel this way. I look in the mirror and I don't even see myself anymore. That's a feeling I can't get past... that I need to change.

One day at a time, and today was the first of many to come.


Big Mark 243 said...

Where to begin..?

Getting your BA is a bigger accomplishment than you will ever know. And that is completely normal. When one is busy in the 'being' of what they are, they are too busy working to have a good apprieciation of all that they have accomplished.

No matter how you feel on about how you look, it is how you feel about how you feel that worries me. I like 'big girls' (except for Mo'nique... she is wholly unattractive and relates to me like she related to 'Precious', which is why she deserved her Oscar...), so when I talk to you, sometimes I imagine what would I say to you if I was your man?

I'd make you feel good about yourself and that you are beautiful in character and pretty to my eyes. As far as improving your condition, I would get you to understand that it isn't about getting all psychologically deep... in my other journal, I made an entry about some of the problems I have with the 'breakdowns' that they have on 'The Biggest Loser' and I wonder if I would be able to get similar results without making someone cry about their childhood.

One way I think I or anyone could do that, is reframing how they saw improving their physical fitness. With you, you have to acknowledge that you are attractive, even if right now you are only attractive to jerks and losers. Accent what is positive and being able to get someone's attention means you have something 'marketable'.

Time to find a way to 'market' you!!

That is also seperating your fitness goals from your relationship goals. The two are mutually exclusive. Thinking that they determine anything other than your personal health and mental fitness is going to throw you off.

When it comes to relationships, it is what you settle for that determines what you get and here is where a decent routine and committment to it will affect how your relationships turn out. See, if whoever is in your life cannot understand and be considerate of the priorities in your life, then I don't think that they need to be in your life. I wished that I had committed to that when I was your age or even younger, but it is never too late!!

Anywho, this is about you. Your life is going to develop better if centered around you and your professional goals. The personal goals will come if you are committed to making the best life possible for you, and your professional life will provide a great outline for how that will happen.

When I was at A&T, I was working at the Four Season's Mall and going to classes, still finding time to train at the Lindley Rec Center and do my roadwork. I think that was the reason I had so much fun, because the things that were the most important to me in a real sense, was always my priority. The other 'extracirricular stuff' revolved around IT.

Adding a fitness routine, whether it is at home or at a gym, will soak up 'trubba time', time where you will be mindless and without focus, and that is when folks find themselves in relationships that soak up time and resources and leave bogus feelings in the back of their minds.

Too bad you are so far away... or I wasn't in G'boro with you. I'd have 'coached you up' and you wouldn't be in Buffalo with the 'blahs' getting at you. You have far too much to offer a cat to wonder what is wrong with you or when is it going to happen for you.

You are too attractive and have too much character to be worried about finding love and having the ideal. The thing about 'the ideal' is that it is the exception. So few people can use and apply the faith in themselves to make the ideal a reality and they end up making unfortunate compromises that leaves them short of their goal.

Starting to feel dizzy... Don't ever worry about finding someone, especially if you do like Mookie was told in the Spike Lee joint, because there is no subsititute for doing 'The Right Thing'.

Love ya!!

Tawnya said...

Congrats on the BA!! Yay you!!!! I understand the loss of loved ones, I just lost someone last Sunday. One day at a time is a good way to go. Love you!!