Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Searching for Peace with in

JANUARY 1st 2009...

This is the beginning to a NEW year. One far better than the past years... I'm on a 50/50 start right now. For starters... I'm home, I'm not out partying.... Partying... something I was pretty heavy into... along with the drinking.... though I never touched the drugs that surrounded me... I'm sure I drank the equivalent to the "high." I'm sitting here holding back tears.... This is the first official year that we'll all have to go through without Josh. The way I feel right now... I cannot even begin to explain.... I'm Happy for me... because I've decided to let go of burdens and move forth in life... but I feel so much pain knowing that I can't even keep it together. I knew this was going to take more time... and I'm dealing, but OMG as I watched the ball drop Josh was suddenly on my mind, and it was like somebody was ripping my heart out. I felt like I watched years flash before me and time leave me in the dust. It wasn't supposed to be like this... Not Josh... he was supposed to be here... we were supposed to get older, and be in each others weddings, and have kids that would someday play together and torment eachother like we did.... in my heart, I know he did this to himself... no matter how the family tries to cover it up... I know the truth... He spent so long searching for himself.... and at the service, all I remember is the pastor saying that he was gone because he finally found himself, and in finding that peace it was his time to go home.... I want to believe that so badly.... but I dont know.... I get so upset with myself because I find myself questioning God... if he really exists, and how could he do this? Wasn't there a way to save him and keep him here? I know I'm being selfish... I know, but I would give anything to bring him back or to go back in time and help him.

I try to remember that God, gave Josh an extra year with us after his car accident. That even with all the brain trauma... and memory loss that he was exactly who I remembered... and over those last 6-8 months of his life... him and I talked literally almost everyday. He knew so much about me, and it kills me, because when we swore to secrecy the stuff we knew about each other... he literally took it to the grave with him. The Pastor at the service said... "if God came and said that he was going to give u a gift, but u could only have that gift for 23 years, would you take it?" and my answer is yes.... but is this what was supposed to happen when you don't want to give it back? You end up like me?

I'm so torn in how I feel. I'm so happy for me finally finding a way out of the drama, and yet i'm still so devestated and grieving.... this is such a terrible feeling!

"Love knows not its own depth, until the hour of seperation..."

I'm going to go to sleep.... HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL!!


Tawnya said...

You are still going through the greiving process. There is not a set time limit on that. Don't feel like you have to get through it to get through it... Go at your own pace... God is here and so am I. Happy New Year....Hugs to you

Big Mark 243 said...

I agree with Tawnya ... and since this is coming on the 2nd, keep the momentum rolling and have that great year!