Saturday, December 27, 2008

Colin Davis

I've been thinking a lot about my first love for some reason... I don't know why, but he's been heavy on my mind lately. I remember the way he used to give me butterflies, and the way he used to make me smile. I met him in high school when I was 15... and we were on and off for years.... we were never actually together like that... in an official "relationship" because there was so many underlying circumstances, and of course distance was an issue... You know long distance relationships are hard to make work... hell, sometimes long distance friendships are hard to make last. Not to mention, he was "bad" and always in trouble for something... so naturally my parents thought it was best I stayed away from him... I didn't listen though. There were years of sneaking around, and going out with friends to meet up with It makes me laugh because I really do have to learn everything the hard way. He insisted my parents were just racist... which isn't the case.... Maybe he meant prejudice... and in that case yes, they were because he was always in trouble, always breaking car windows with baseball bats, slashing tires (including mine), and getting arrested for stupid things.. like fighting, or half stopping at a stop sign and theres a cop who stops him and realizes that his DL is suspended from what?? years of unpaid parking so he makes his way to the holding center a lot and of course gets his name posted in the weekly area news paper under the police blotter. My parents were against that... but I was "in love" young, and stupid sounds more like We've sort of remained's hard to forget your first love, your first kiss, your first everything... and to sit back and realize all the crazy things we've done to eachother to make each other jealous, or just to be out right mean! I remember his birthday one year... the night, he spit his rum n coke in my face... that was also the night I fought back instead of crying.... I snapped his cell phone in half, then picked up the take out box of chicken wings and whipped it at his head... wings went flying everywhere and he was covered in bleu cheese, there were words spoken and words that really hurt my feelings, and with alcohol involved, people (me) seem to make the choices of lesser value... I kicked in the driver side door of his car... there's a permenant mark in the door, and then I keyed my own name on the hood of his car. He threatened me for weeks saying he was reporting everything to the police if I didn't pay to have his car fixed and pay to replace his phone... but I must admit, I felt that I didn't owe him a damn thing! after all the hurt he put me through, and then to spit in my face, which I personally think is one of the most disrespectful degrading things ever!!! I was very upset. We laughed about it later, and after all was said and done, we still loved each other... How do people love one another in the most dysfunctional relationships? I know I loved him because he was the first person I ever truly felt feelings for and made the decision to act on them. We still fight on and off til this day, and end up contacting one another just to say "hey... I miss you" of course we argue about it too... but thats life for him and I. I guess we just connect in the oddest of ways. I used to think I would spend the rest of my life with him... and that if we decided to go seperate ways that someday in some way we would end up together. I don't know if I really believe that now. It's funny, because I used to know every detail of everything between him and I. I knew dates and times like the back of my hand... now I just remember the most important times that occurred between him and I that meant the most to me... the rest are just slowly slipping away. I used to remember in detail, every lie he told me, and every way he hurt me... and though our way of communicating is through arguing I can't even remember the ways that we've hurt each other... I guess it's showing how I'm moving on in my life, and details that hurt me the most, and affected my life aren't as important as they once were. I know he loved me very much at one point, even though I tell him he didn't love me enough or at all. People change, and people move forth. He was a stepping stone in my life... one that ruined me... haha I'm just kidding. Our situation was complicated from the start... and there's times where I really do miss him. He was apart of me for so long... and throwing away about 7 years is a hard thing to do... But it's time to start a new chapter.... it was time along time ago... I just didnt have the strength to do it then. So with a heavy heart... I wish him the best in his life, and I'll still think of him... it's just not worth the pain and aggravation anymore. The little arguments take too much out of me. I probably won't call him anymore, and when he contacts me... I just won't answer or respond to his text or email... It's so bittersweet... but one step forward is better than 10 steps backwards, which is what happens when we remain in contact. So for the both of us... Goodbye...


Tawnya said...

I am so proud of you! It takes a lot to leave an unhealthy relationship behond like that. I have done it a time or two myself. But it really is for the best. You are smart for realizing that it wasn't working and going your own way... Hugs to you my friend, T.