Monday, December 29, 2008

"He blew my mind, but also had a flip side...too much like a gemini"

As 2008 is coming to an end, I'm realizing all the chapters in my life that need to be re-evaluated, dealt with, Finished and put on the shelf of life's experiences... I decided that as much as I will always care for Colin... I just don't want to deal with the unnecessary drama and stipulations that come with him. There's a whole lot in that package, and its just time to move on. After my 23rd birthday, I felt different in ways I can't really explain. I guess maybe I feel a little bit more mature... more like it's "My" time... versus worrying about everyone else... I just felt different, I knew I changed... I also knew after the death of Josh, that I changed drastically. I'm not who I was and nor will I ever be that person again. Life will never be the same either. There's so many issues to the situation with Josh, and maybe on another day I will get into them all. That's just one chapter that I know is going to take some long time of healing... it won't be over by the end of 08' I'm prepared! I know! I just don't know how well I'm prepared for things "not being the same." I defitinitely skipped all the major I don't really know what that was like without him... 2009 will be an adventure when thanksgiving and christmas comes. Baby steps... one step at a time.

I guess mostly, I'm ready to get rid of the negativity in my life. "Tomorrow's Never Promised" thats what I tell myself... Rob, said it sounds depressing, but its not meant to be depressing... its meant to inspire, and it really kinda puts things into persepective. I may not have tomorrow. Why can't I live for that day, and enjoy it no matter how bad things may be. There is no reason for me to dwell on things that happened in the past. It's done, and it's over... we can't change them. Yes, some things hurt, and you can't forget them, but I can't let them affect me today. I want to be able to enjoy the simple things in life. The small things that bring me pleasure.... I don't want to worry about the things that have broghten me down.

So as for my title... It's a line from a song... "signs" by Beyonce. I figured it would do this entry justice. As I'm putting certain things to rest, I feel that this one is an event that I need to let go of. Mike.... As hard as it is for me to truly admit... I was head over heels madly IN love with him. I'm sure people can sit back and tell me again, that I'm young and stupid.... but I know the difference between how I feel for colin and how I feel for Mike. Mike and I had an immediate connection, and we were inseperable. I know as bad as things got in the end.... it was only because it was hard. He had a life with kids, and a wife. It was neither of our intentions to connect like we did... I don't think he meant to hurt me or his wife. We were supposed to be friends... but it was just so much more than that. Everything happened so fast... I know neither of us really expected it. Things were so complicated... and Yes, He broke my heart.... I know he didn't want to, but he didn't have a choice. In reality, I do understand... him being a father to his kids was more important than me... I know he did some bad things, and I know he's back in prison... but I also know how badly he wanted to change... and the things him and I talked about, and I truly believe he wanted those things and meant what he said. I don't think he was strong enough to live on the straight and narrow. Sometimes it's hard for people to change, and leave the only thing they know. And according to prison statistics... 97% of all inmates return at some point in their life. You do the math... it leave a small percent for those who can make it legitimately. Aside from Josh... Mike was one of the hardest things I ever had to overcome in my life. It's been a long process, but I think I'm finally there. I miss him... I really do. But I can't hold on to memories... those are slowly fading away. Yesterday I drove to Winston Salem to go to the flea market with my mom. I asked her to drive past the "shop" Mike and I had opened a store... My name wasn't on anything because I was afraid it would fail, as it did... but I lost a good amount of money... and time. I tried to help him live the life he wanted... there was nothing about that store that was illegal. I helped him get all the paperwork and buy the name and etc. He started to realize the struggle for those making money the legitimate way. It doesn't come fast, and it takes time. I would like to think I provided him with a lot of good information. Even though I was only 21... I provided him with a lot... he just didn't know how to use it... He's a very strong person... there was nothing he couldn't handle... He thought too much like what he knew tho.... a criminal. Naturally when the relationship ended I took the store as a loss.... I felt used... sure... like I was just money, and etc... it took me a long time to realize certain details that made it so difficult for us.

So I got out of the car... and looked through the window. It was empty... It made me sick to my stomach... not so much because of the money that was lost, but because I could literally visualize and see us together in there... and never expecting it to come to an end. It made me sick to my stomach to think about how much I loved him! I felt like I couldn't breathe.... as I looked at the For Sale sign in the window... I admit, I did get teary eyed, but I couldn't cry because I was with my mom. Obviously the "mortgage" payment wasn't getting paid on the place... so it was a business closing/foreclosure kind of deal... I saw where the people came in and emptied it out... things were thrown everywhere.... and it was empty... all except for one thing... The sign I made was still hanging on the front of the counter.... "Big Apple Fashion" That was the only thing still standing in the place... I took it as a sign from God... It may sound crazy, but everything else failed, everything else was gone... empty... he failed... his life "straight life" failed.... but the only thing that was still holding up through all the failure... was my sign... ME. I'm gonna be ok.... and It's time to let him go for sure this time... A part of me will always love him... but I have to say goodbye... Holding on is not worth the pain it causes my heart. He was apart of me, and it'll always remain that way... He did this, He made all this happen... not me... so I'll be ok.

I'm really looking forward to 2009!

Goodbye Alman "Mike" Coleman.

Chapter CLOSED!


Big Mark 243 said...

... not because I didn't read this journal entry.

2009, is going to be a good year. You have your mission, just stay focused. Make it your year, because it is there for you to take.

I just connected with a friend from W-S! It is exciting hearing from someone who is in a place I have found memories/feelings from!

Tawnya said...

I know that it is difficult to close a chapter especially when it involves a person that you cared so deeply for. I too had fallen for a married man with kids and we started out as friends, but quickly fell in love. He was with her, with me, with her, etc... It was a hard thing to deal with having to leave him behind. Yes he was in and out of jail as well.... I am glad that you are able to close that chapter, just as I was finally able to.... 2009, well, it will be a ride!!