Sunday, December 28, 2008


Ok, so lets me honest here. I've gained about 50 pounds. I know... it's obvious. I know everyday that i look in my closet, I have jeans that are a size 9/10, and I have the jeans and clothes that I wear now in the bigger sizes... I'm somewhere in between a 13/14 and a 15/16.... I know... do people not understand that I know what I am. I know I ate my way out of a depression... and I've not totally overcome the struggle. I am an emotional eater. I eat when I'm stressed, sad, even happy! I know all these facts about myself, but what I really want to know is.... do people really think it's necessary to openly point out one's imperfections? I'm not an idiot, I see myself everyday I look in the mirror, and I know that the change starts with me....

When you sit back and refer to someone as fat and obese... and you're supped to be a persons friend... what do you expect them to say when you confront them on the things they say? My so called "friend" decided to make a joke of me and talk about me badly and refer to me as a "fat obese bitch" and trust me... I saw the text message! I know it was said. So I asked the person why they said those things... and he says "well its true... u used to be hot, but now i just don't know what happened to you..." are u serious... I can't be upset with him for speaking his feelings toward me, but to go behind my back, and then calling yourself my friend to my face... really?

People usually tend to point out anothers imperfections to mask their own insecurities... I know this. It's rule of thumb. I really thought he was a good person at one point. Someone I trusted... someone I confided in about the reasons I gained the 50 pounds... and for him to be like that just blows my mind! It's not right because now let me tell you about him. He was about 280 pounds... really pushing 300, and I never said anything... it wasn't my place to stand back and say "hey pal, do you really think we should be going out to eat? and do you really need all that extra crap on your food?" nooooooooo.... I let him be him... but now that he's dropped 80 pounds, his head has swollen up with an ego like no other! and even when that happened I let him toot his horn about going to the gym everyday, and how he's losing weight and getting in shape because he wants to try to persue his dream and start with baseball tryouts and so on and so forth... I sat there and said "I'm happy for you...proud that you made these changes" So, now that I am the way I am... your too good? It's not fair... why are people so mean? I mean my feelings are hurt! I shouldn't let it get the best of me, and I'm not going to let that happen... BUT I am going to take it as initiative to do something about my weight. I've been trying, lord knows I try, but its hard and I give up. I do... that's my biggest problem when it comes to diet and exercise... it gets hard, and I lose the motivation and the 10-15 pounds I worked so hard to lose end up right back showing on the scale.

Ya know, it just really hurts my feelings...especially when I was already down because of the situation at the club last night... I went out with some friends, I was meeting up with them, so I stood in line with this guy that I happened to know, and him and I were 3rd in line literally there was 2 guys infront of us... I had on a pair of jeans and a cute top. Nothing showy just simple, nice and comfortable. It was also sprinkling rain.... Now ladies always get in first.... how come the bouncers and security went to the back of the line, and let all these skinny girls go in.... as girls were walking up to the place they were calling for them to skip up the line... Mind you... I'm a female, and I'm in line... 3rd person... and I waited about 25 mins to get in...meanwhile all my friends are inside having a good time. Its not like the bouncers even knew these girls.... it literally made me sick to my stomach. I guess because I used to know what it was like to be the girl that "looked good" and could skip the line like that... now I'm the fat chick who has to wait in line to get in.... and it sucks.... it really put a damper on my mood, and I was regretting even going out... If I hadn't driven 45 minutes to greensboro, and waited in line for 25 mins... I really would have gotten back in the car and came back home. It was a bad feeling. By the time I even got into the club I was only there for like an hour n 45 mins...not even long enough to enjoy myself with all these things on my mind.

I have to find motivation and energy somewhere. I need to get out of the slumps and move on with my life!!!


Tawnya said...

I feel your pain. I was a size 22 when I moved to Michigan. You would think that I was unhappy? No, I was happy, I still had a lot of guys telling me that I was hot and everything. I was comfortable with that. I am now a size 26, here in Michigan after 3 years. This year I am trying to cut down on my Pepsi intake and drink more water based drinks.... Excercise to me is a bad word, I hate it! But I have to do something. So, I feel your pain!! I know that you an do it if you want to..... Hugs to you....

Big Mark 243 said...

Rather than get all into stuff, I want you to feel good about yourself, first.

I would date you, period. And I would want to love you as well. I have dated girls your size, and girls the other who made the other comment size as well. That is what I find attractive, and since that has only been since always, I don't hassle anyone about weight.

Feel good that you are in good health, and have a future. Keep you eye on your goal, and let that crap fall off. You will be quite fine ... your snap shot is fetching, so it isn't that you don't get attention. It is prolly more about the kind of attention, who gives it and when.

Jeez, I guess I did kind of ramble on. Sorry about it. Take care, and go to A&T!!