Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Checking In.

Sometimes I have no idea where I'm going with my life. All I can do is take it one day at a time, and go from there.

I've been accepted to NC A&T State University, so there will be lots of changes in that department. I start January 8th, and the college is about an hour away from my house, so there will be lots of driving time as of right now. I'm now working on my BA. in psychology... so its going to be a new experience... the "real" college experience now.

I'm doing better with Josh not being here anymore. I don't cry nearly as often as I did, but its still hard... and it definitely takes time. Thanksgiving will be hard because thats the one holiday that i saw him every year. It also reminds me of the time we got into the moonshine. haha that was a good time. I still miss him. Today is one of those days thats harder than others infact I opted not to go home for thanksgiving because i'm not ready to celebrate without Josh.

Rob and I have run into some complications in our "relationship" They switched him to a different prison a little bit further away, and he's having a really hard time adjusting. He won't be home til August, so he's been really stressed out and etc. so it's kind of put a strain on things between us... it's not going too well. I don't understand it completely but he said he wanted to do the rest of his time alone, and for me not to worry about him because he's ok, he just feels like hes a burden on me (hes really not in my opinion). He said he has nothing to offer me because of the mistakes he made, so he doesnt understand why I would want love him or want to be with him. He said i have more going for myself, and he doesn't anymore. I don't know how I feel. It kind of upset me, but I really don't know what he's going through. I've never been in this situation before. I guess basically all I can do is wait and see what happens and let him know that nothing has changed in the way I feel toward him. So over the next 8 months I'll just focus on me and school. When he come's home we'll straighten things out then. It just makes me feel bad, because I wish there was something I could do... I'm a fixer and this is something I can't fix right now.

I've officially gained back the 15 pounds that i lost over the summer. Their definitely back, and I'm feeling like crap! So after thanksgiving is over... and the leftovers are gone... I'm hitting the gym, and getting a meal plan started! I need to make a better plan for myself health wise. It's getting to be rediculous, because I keep putting it off and saying 'I can get to it later' NOT TRUE... because I never get to it. I learned circuit training in my one class and I love it! This semester is almost over, so I'll have a few weeks to work something out. I'll be at the gym too because I'm wasting 60 bucks a month to not even go!
Well I just wanted to check in... Hope you all enjoy your thanksgiving!

Friday, November 14, 2008


I'm in one of those moods tonight. I have so much to do and not enough time to do it. My grandparents will be here once again from New York, sometime around 12pm. I'm exhausted. I've been back and forth from the hospital, and running errands for my mother in addition to arguing with my father about 4 tires for my (since i only have 3 and the spare) and going to school taking 16 credit hours! So tonight, I have to get all the cleaning done before my grandparents get here. Everythings a mess because I haven't been here to clean up after my little brother. I've been in the hospital with my mom and at school! My step dad is no help at all! I got a since FULL and plus some of dishes, a counter full of mail and other miscellaneous items, UNFOLDED laundry just stacked up on the couch in the livingroom.... really? u can wash it, but cant fold it! grr... and my little brother has toys scattered from 1 end to the other in every single room of the house... I went to take a shower... yeah right! I had to clean the little men out of the tub before i got in! I have my work cut out for me!! I'm very particular about my living so its going to be a long process! I just want to go to sleep so bad! But at least my grandparents will be here to help me out with my mom and little brother, and that will take some stress off my shoulders... that will leave me to worry about school, and the 1 day a week I am not working since they cut my hours! I'm not happy about that, but at least I'll be able to catch up on sleep for the next 2 weeks! I just don't know what I'm going to do about money because I have to go to court on the 21st of this month for an open container in a moving vehicle ticket that I got... long story short... every person in the car got a ticket... drink or no drink. Moral of the story... drive ur own vehicle...LOL lesson learned... of course the HARD way. I'll have to come out of MY pocket with $146.00 now :(

Anyway, I applied for a transfer to NC A&T, and they called me to notify they would be sending me paperwork to fill out and send back in. I asked Melissa (my friend who's already attending what that and she said I'm basically in) Woo hoo... one last worry! I currently have 2 degrees, an associates in criminal justice, and an associates in humanities/social sciences. I need to stop just taking classes and get to the University and finish my BA. That will actually take me 2 semesters... so by spring 2009, I'll have my 3rd degree... my BA in Psychology. One step I'm excited about A&T tho! yay! :)

Today was a rough day... I don't understand. Some days I'm good, and other days I'm hurting and cannot move on. On the 20th of this month, will make 4 months since Josh passed... I still cry my eyes out. It makes me sick thinking about it. I keep a picture of him, micheal and me on my dresser... and it hurts so much facing that he's gone. I even wear his clothes, they smell like his cologne. I went home for halloween, and my aunt let me take a few of his things, it was hard!! I cried while i went through the boxes... I went to see Josh on Nov. 4th. I stood there n cried.... cried for an hour... looking at the ground... Josh doesn't have a headstone aunt's saving the money to get the pretty black one, with a portrait of josh engraved on it. I can't believe he's gone sometimes, and I can't believe how messed up my life is without him. He knew my life...23 years...we grew up together... it wasn't supposed to be like this! It's just not getting any easier. I want him back so bad... I still feel like it's a bad dream, and one day I'll wake up... I miss him more than words could ever express. It's just really taking it's toll on me. Enough about that... I'm starting to cry just sitting here.

I'm worried because I haven't hearn from Rob in 2 weeks. That's very unusual. They moved him to a different prison, and I know that'll take some adjusting, but I still worry. He comes home August 6th, 2009 and I don't want anyone to ruin that for him, or him get involved in anything and ruin it himself. He's been good for 3 years, I hope he doesn't wait for these last few month to get time added! I can't handle that! I know he's "bad news" and etc... but I feel like he's the one who's going to make the difference in my life. I've known him for almost 9 years. I still remember Highschool back in 2000 when I saw him... lol it puts a smile on my face... I definitely had a crush on him and never admitted to it. People learn from their mistakes, and I know he doesn't want to be where he is, or go back... so I'm pretty positive theres a pretty promising future. I've stuck by him for the last 2 years of his sentence... after his wife left him... lol I'm saying too much. let me end it there because it's too complicated to even explain right now. I love him, but I'm not ready to tell him right now i stick to "love ya like a friend." And I do want to be with him. It's just hard admitting to Like I said, it is complicated since hes married and about to be divorced... aaaannnddd dated my friends in high school, one of which whom I'm still very close friends with. Oh well, hopefully he can call, or maybe I'll get a letter from him tomorrow. He makes me smile. He understands me.... I hope he's ok.

That's about all I have to say for tonight. Oh and my mom is home and recovering very well! Thats about it.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Stressed beyond belief!!

Well, let me start by telling you how my day went. I woke up this morning and everything was fine... I left to go to work to work my usual shift from 11-5, but on the way got a flat tire making me almost 40 minutes late for then to add the icing to the cake... I work at Applebees, and pretty much the only money i see and make is TIPS. ( PEOPLE DO NOT KNOW HOW TO TIP!) I understand times are hard, but when your total bill is $80... there should be more of a tip than $4 when I know I ran to a marathon for you people!!! Anyhow... for the day... when I left around 6... for the day, I had $20 dollars in my pocket... business is in fact that bad!! I need to move on and look for either a second job or a higher paying job. It probably cost me $10 alone in gas to drive to work. I just hate to have to go to another job and learn something new when I have so much currently going on with school, and finals comin up in just 4 short weeks.
School is stressing me out! I have tests and Research papers among research papers do in the next 2 weeks. I'm so overwhelmed I feel like I don't know where to start! First things first, I start with what is do TUESDAY... which means I have to write my American History Book Review, Study for my Health test, complete all 3 health homework assignments, and Study for my Health test. I have the rest of tonight and most of Monday to complete this, but I have LOTS going on... I won't be sleeping.... and the lack of sleep is my current problem. Tomorrow, I also have to go to the records office and have my current college transcripts sent to NC A&T where I will be transfering to. I'll be so glad to move onto something bigger and better and new!
Tuesday will be a stressful day, along with all those papers, assignments and tests, my mother is also having surgery at 9:30am, and because of my schedule I cannot be there with her. It was found last month that she has stage 4 endometriosis, which is pretty severe. The Dr. said it is the WORST she has ever seen in her entire career ( and this dr, is not young). All of my mothers organs are attached to eachother by this tissue, so they have to literally cut her open, and scrape all her organs the best of their ability, and then detach all her reproductive organs because as a result of the endometriosis and low iron, they want her to have a hysterectomy. I'm scared for her. My mother is only 40... what would I do without her? Please keep her in your prayers!
Well I know this is kind of scattered, but hopefully it makes sense, I need to at least lay down for a few minutes, and then get to work on all my assignments! This week is going to be crazy!!!

Friday, November 7, 2008

My Life

From the beginning... My mother and father met at their elementary school at age 11. They started dating when my mother was 13, and my father was 14. My mother had me at 17... and if you think about it now, I've been with my mother longer than she's been alone. My parents got pregnant with my brother Michael at 19, and in that same period they also got married. Then they divorced at 29. They are now in their 40's, my mother who just turned 40 in August, and my father who turned 41 in October, and I can sit back and say how I've watched them grow and mature over the years. My mother is abused... emotionally, physically, mentally... I've watched her struggle for so many years. My father has OCD.. clearly he has to be in control, everything has a spot, and it's either his way or no way. That's where him and I didn't get along. I spent almost 7 years having no contact with my father... then finally when we did, we were so different that we didn't get along. Without him, I had a voice, I was outspoken, and spoiled... it was my way, not his way... he didn't like that, I had become my own person... Over the years, we fought and argued, and would take breaks from talking and seeing each other, and in the last year or so... things have changed between him and I. He still gets upset, because i don't always listen... and i'm stubborn and always have to learn lifes lesson myself... usually the hard way. But that's me. I'm not perfect. My mother is my heart. Occassionally we have our little disagreements, but without her... I'd be an even bigger mess (the mess I am right now, is because I did it to myself..). I've had a very good life. I cannot complain. But, growing up is hard. Being responsible for everything you do is hard. Becoming well to do, and well respected is hard. I've done things in my life, that I'm not completely proud of (hence having to learn the hard way), but it's over with, and though I know I cannot change the past... I know that all I have is my word, and my name... and someday when I'm gone, that is how people will remember me. I can't change everything, but I can change my life now. I may have to let go of the memories that I'm holding on to, or the people that are in my heart... But I need to live my life for me, and some of these things are just holding me back. One day at a time...

Thursday, November 6, 2008

I'm Tired...

drained, physically, educationally... and mostly emotionally. In the last 2 years, I've been forced to deal with things that I have not wanted to do, deal with, or have to go through . I have this big platter, it's not even a plate anymore... full of so much! I don't even know where to begin. So I guess, I start slowly...

I'm trying to reconstruct my life for the better. I'm a mess, I know that sounds normal for most people in their early 20's but I hate how I feel!

I'm broken, and searching for all the missing peices to put myself back together, mainly my heart. I have a doctors appointment at the end of this month, and am going to talk to her about seeking a permenant psychiatrist/counselor of some sort... I'm not crazy, I just need to talk to somebody. I don't want to be put on any type of medication, but I feel so horrible most days that maybe I need to! I have problems sleeping, and its gradually getting worse based on the stresses in my life. I remember being so much stronger than I am right now. I lost that somewhere along the way,and I hate that I allow people to get the best of me.

I'm on a journey to find myself... to find the meaning of my life, and to live a healthier life.... I'm unhappy with myself, and the things I've done, and let people do to me. I know everything comes with time, but I'm in such a down pour in life right now! I want to find the quickest way out, because who I've been is not who I am.

I wanna be happy, I want to be able to smile again... I genuinely want to feel good... because I deserve to. It's a work in progress.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

A journey of a new

Well, let me start by saying welcome to my *NEW* journal. Recently AOL journals shut down, and I lost mine of 4 years... it's sad, and I said I wouldn't journal anymore but I believe that I need to because it helps me get through the days.

This is going to be insteresting, as I'm getting used to how this all works, so please anyone reading or following bear with me, and PLEASE let me know your out there reading.

I'm going through so many different changes and transitions in life... it's amazing the journey that I am on day to day. Life is an issue in itself, Grief... that I am dealing with, and the fact that I suffer from weight issues which is what my other journal was all about. This journal will be something new, with a better attitude... and hopefully many thoughts and prayers... and hopefully i find some readers along the way!