Friday, November 14, 2008


I'm in one of those moods tonight. I have so much to do and not enough time to do it. My grandparents will be here once again from New York, sometime around 12pm. I'm exhausted. I've been back and forth from the hospital, and running errands for my mother in addition to arguing with my father about 4 tires for my (since i only have 3 and the spare) and going to school taking 16 credit hours! So tonight, I have to get all the cleaning done before my grandparents get here. Everythings a mess because I haven't been here to clean up after my little brother. I've been in the hospital with my mom and at school! My step dad is no help at all! I got a since FULL and plus some of dishes, a counter full of mail and other miscellaneous items, UNFOLDED laundry just stacked up on the couch in the livingroom.... really? u can wash it, but cant fold it! grr... and my little brother has toys scattered from 1 end to the other in every single room of the house... I went to take a shower... yeah right! I had to clean the little men out of the tub before i got in! I have my work cut out for me!! I'm very particular about my living so its going to be a long process! I just want to go to sleep so bad! But at least my grandparents will be here to help me out with my mom and little brother, and that will take some stress off my shoulders... that will leave me to worry about school, and the 1 day a week I am not working since they cut my hours! I'm not happy about that, but at least I'll be able to catch up on sleep for the next 2 weeks! I just don't know what I'm going to do about money because I have to go to court on the 21st of this month for an open container in a moving vehicle ticket that I got... long story short... every person in the car got a ticket... drink or no drink. Moral of the story... drive ur own vehicle...LOL lesson learned... of course the HARD way. I'll have to come out of MY pocket with $146.00 now :(

Anyway, I applied for a transfer to NC A&T, and they called me to notify they would be sending me paperwork to fill out and send back in. I asked Melissa (my friend who's already attending what that and she said I'm basically in) Woo hoo... one last worry! I currently have 2 degrees, an associates in criminal justice, and an associates in humanities/social sciences. I need to stop just taking classes and get to the University and finish my BA. That will actually take me 2 semesters... so by spring 2009, I'll have my 3rd degree... my BA in Psychology. One step I'm excited about A&T tho! yay! :)

Today was a rough day... I don't understand. Some days I'm good, and other days I'm hurting and cannot move on. On the 20th of this month, will make 4 months since Josh passed... I still cry my eyes out. It makes me sick thinking about it. I keep a picture of him, micheal and me on my dresser... and it hurts so much facing that he's gone. I even wear his clothes, they smell like his cologne. I went home for halloween, and my aunt let me take a few of his things, it was hard!! I cried while i went through the boxes... I went to see Josh on Nov. 4th. I stood there n cried.... cried for an hour... looking at the ground... Josh doesn't have a headstone aunt's saving the money to get the pretty black one, with a portrait of josh engraved on it. I can't believe he's gone sometimes, and I can't believe how messed up my life is without him. He knew my life...23 years...we grew up together... it wasn't supposed to be like this! It's just not getting any easier. I want him back so bad... I still feel like it's a bad dream, and one day I'll wake up... I miss him more than words could ever express. It's just really taking it's toll on me. Enough about that... I'm starting to cry just sitting here.

I'm worried because I haven't hearn from Rob in 2 weeks. That's very unusual. They moved him to a different prison, and I know that'll take some adjusting, but I still worry. He comes home August 6th, 2009 and I don't want anyone to ruin that for him, or him get involved in anything and ruin it himself. He's been good for 3 years, I hope he doesn't wait for these last few month to get time added! I can't handle that! I know he's "bad news" and etc... but I feel like he's the one who's going to make the difference in my life. I've known him for almost 9 years. I still remember Highschool back in 2000 when I saw him... lol it puts a smile on my face... I definitely had a crush on him and never admitted to it. People learn from their mistakes, and I know he doesn't want to be where he is, or go back... so I'm pretty positive theres a pretty promising future. I've stuck by him for the last 2 years of his sentence... after his wife left him... lol I'm saying too much. let me end it there because it's too complicated to even explain right now. I love him, but I'm not ready to tell him right now i stick to "love ya like a friend." And I do want to be with him. It's just hard admitting to Like I said, it is complicated since hes married and about to be divorced... aaaannnddd dated my friends in high school, one of which whom I'm still very close friends with. Oh well, hopefully he can call, or maybe I'll get a letter from him tomorrow. He makes me smile. He understands me.... I hope he's ok.

That's about all I have to say for tonight. Oh and my mom is home and recovering very well! Thats about it.


Linda said...

I hope that your mom is doing good and that your grandparents are there helping you now! I know you must miss josh terribly! It takes a lot of time to move on sometimes and 4 months isn't that long when he was in your life for 23 years! I will continue to pray for peace for you. Linda