Thursday, September 30, 2010

New Journal

I've decided to start all over from scratch...

Here is the link to my new journal.

please follow me!!


Monday, July 19, 2010

Down in the Dumps

I shouldn't care. I really shouldn't care at all but I do. As of today it has been exactly 1 month since I have seen Andre. We were texting back and forth.... but now he just ignores me. I guess he's moved on. He said he wanted to see me, and he was going to let me know when, and from that day forward I haven't heard anything from him. I know he's not the person for me, but when you become involved with someone emotionally and physically it is hard to let go and move on. It's just so much easier for guys. If only I could hide my emotions on command and never think or speak about them. I guess I won't get to see him to say goodbye either. So much for "closure" maybe this is whats easy for him... but not for me. I don't like to be ignored. I don't like to feel the way I feel right now either. Like really, should I be sitting here crying over someone who doesn't even have the decency to humor me and say goodbye like the many times I humored him and did what he wanted? Maybe there is someone else in his life. But if this were the case. I wish he'd just be up front and honest about it. I don't feel good. I feel alone.... Tomorrow is creeping up on me, and I'm not ready to deal with it.

I'm so mad at Andre for making me feel the way I do right now. I never did anything to him to deserve him to ignore me and treat me like I'm nothing.

I don't even want to finish this... maybe another time.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010


I sat the night in the Emergency Room.

It's almost 3am and I literally just got home about 20 mins ago. They took x-rays and prescribed me meds, but I'm still currently in pain. I have to go have an ultrasound tomorrow at 2pm, and who knows... based on the results of that... if the large amounts of medicine they have me taking don't work, then I may need to have surgery. Maybe the removal of my gallbladder... I don't know.. that's just what the doctor was talking about and the pain I am experiencing. I swear if it isn't one thing it is another... and what a sucky time to maybe need surgery and not have any health insurance since you were kicked off you parents for turning 24 and A&T cancelled my student health Ins. since I graduated! I'm destined to pile on the debt I think. But I don't care. I have been in pain for months and hiding it for months. No matter what I eat, I am ALWAYS in pain. It's bad if all you eat is a yogurt and your in so much pain with your stomach and the discomfort with you side and back that all you can do is lay down and try to wait for it to subside!

I sat in the ER alone, by myself texting back and forth with Andre. I'm the type of person who has to say what I need to say to your face... I hate the talking over the phone, and texting because I feel like I can't truly get my feelings or expression across and sometimes, well, too often it is misinterpreted for "arguing"... I feel that it's necessary I say my goodbye to him in person because most likely... we won't be friends, and it brings a tear to my eye to say that I'll probably never see him again. I know he may or may not feel anything for me... I really can't tell anymore... but for my own personal piece of mind. I need to speak to him in person and say my goodbye to his face... he says i'm asking for too much. I don't think I was asking for too much. Yes, things moved entirely too fast between him and I, but unfortunately all those things felt right at the time... It's not like I intended to hurt anyone. I was straight forward about my situation from the day we went on our first date. We both did it, we both became attached... and well now he's putting it off on me, and playing this game... and YES. He's winning. I feel like the bad guy. I don't want to argue with him... I just need to tell him how I feel, and tell him everything to his face. I'm a crier. I'm going to cry. I can't help that... I know it's over here. I know that I'll never see the guy again and apart of my process to let go is to cry. But I also need him to know that I did care, and he is just acting like a complete fool! First he says he can't believe I'm leaving him, and he hates it... now he's acting like its no big deal, and he doesn't need to see me or let me say goodbye. He acts like I'm overreacting, and that I rushed into things with him all by myself and he never wanted it. Why do guys do that? Why is it so easy for them to turn their emotions off? Why can't I be more like that. The last text he sent me said "I'll let you know when you can see me"... In my mind I'm thinking.... F U!!! like your so dang busy your need to let me know when I can see you. So I am hurt, and I'm in pain-still. And really I just need the closure of that part of my life for me. Not for him, and I don't feel like it's too much to ask of him... and I hate that he's treating me this way now... like I'm just another person. It really pisses me off to be quite frank... because later on... maybe not tomorrow or this week, but later on he will text me and say he misses me or hates that I left him.... it's become a cycle with him since about the first of June. Maybe even late May.... I know I'm leaving, He knows I'm leaving... for good. Just let me say the goodbye I need to say. Let me cry, and lets move on! I am sad about it, but oh well. It's just so many other mixed emotions involved that I'm sad about in general. stressing about my health doesn't help either.

Even though it hurts when I eat, I need to find a small light snack because I can't eat after 7am and have to be back at the hospital by 130pm for my ultrasound appointment. Maybe we can get to the bottom of my pain issues... and maybe, well maybe I can fall asleep and wake up forgetting I was ever involved with Andre. Sometimes he really knows how to push me... and what I hate is he knows he makes me cry... I really don't think I was asking for much to say goodbye. UGH! it frustrates me! and I don't feel good.


[side note]

I made an additional blog called "Crazy Beautiful" if anyone is interested. :)


Here it is July 13th already and my life seems like it is everywhere! I thought things would be simple. I thought it would be easy to pack up all my belongings and head home to Buffalo. I was wrong.

I made an 8 year life out of North Carolina...when things were bad and I wanted to turn around and go back to NY... I made it work. I developed relationships and friendships here... but truth be told... maybe I've done all there is to do in NC. Well, Greensboro at least.

But even at that, and the bitter sweet feeling I have. My friends here are leaving as I've made the decision to go to school's elsewhere. It's like starting all over again. Well, really I am. While I was in Buffalo I went to the University of Buffalo to get some paperwork things done, and being there didn't feel like "home" I don't know... I guess it's because I adjusted and am used to the livelihood of A&T... I hate to say this, but UB is just plain boring!!! I'm sure once I am settled into classes and what not I will develop new friend ships.... but for now... I'm missing my Aggies.

I started seeing a pretty nice guy too... right at the wrong time. I know he's not "the one" but we sure did have some fun together. He kind of avoids me now that he knows I'm definitely leaving. I was straight forward with him though. I told him from day one that I was moving to NY. I know apart of him didn't want to get to close to me, but we managed to... and I know another part of him thought he was going to convince me to stay. I feel bad because I almost feel like I hurt him. I've cried quite a few times over him and we arent even to a point of a relationship like that. But we had so much fun together. I know he's upset with me, and plays like the tough guy like it doesn't matter but I am well capable as a psychology major of seeing through some of the acts people put on for others. I just don't know what to do about Andre. We talk still, and while I was in Buffalo he sent me a text that said "I can't believe your really leaving me... I hate it" But if I stayed in North Carolina... would it be for me or him? I really do have feelings for him, but if I stay knowing hes not the one I'm meant to be with.... where will that leave me? I never meant to hurt him... even though he says hes ok and he's going to be ok with out me. I know he will, but I know what it feels like to be left... and whether hes really hurt or just trying to get with me... my intention was never to get this serious so fast....but things happen I guess.

As far as Buffalo goes... even if its not where I'm supposed to be permanently. I am however devoting the next 5-6 years of my life there until I am finished with Dental school. After that, I will go wherever calls me. I have no commitments nor do I have anything holding me back... so once I walk across the stage with the DDS. I can go anywhere and start new.

It's just a lot of mixed emotions. Funny thing is I know life in Buffalo isn't going to be the same. The people that were once my friends will be people I know, but we won't always be friends. But things change and people grow apart. Then there's people that I didn't think would be my choice of a good friend that are better friends than I thought my "best friends" were. It's going to be challenging, but I'll make my life work... and it's probably better I don't have the old friends I once had because unfortunately I know they will just bring me down. They settle for what they have rather than striving for more. I'm striving for more....though sometimes it is a pain and a hard road to take... but I feel like I'm supposed to do something better than just settle for what is in front of me.

So I have to finish packing among a lot of things that I need to take care of before I leave... but it's always just a step at a time.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Day 3... is almost over

I managed to get a little cleaning done. Made 2 seperate meals for the family... one for my diet, and one for them.... I so badly want to get on the scale... but I'm trying to avoid it. I know my weight fluctuates anyway, so getting on the scale only after 3 full days of this diet...and not seeing a loss will only discourage me.

I'm working at it...... I'm trying to stay focused on losing 23 pounds. I know that if I lose the 23 pounds that I've gained over the course of the year will put me back into the clothes I wore last summer which fit pretty snug currently. 23 pounds in a year is a lot of weight. I don't know where I lost track of what I was eating and doing and not doing to pack on that much weight. I kept saying I'd get to it when exams were over and graduation was done... and here I am almost 2 month after graduation, having gained an additional 8 pounds. I think that's what has gotten to me. However I think I am doing pretty well on my diet thus far. Usually my problem is eating right and setting boundaries... but right now it's so hot the thought of exercising and sweating makes me tired in itself!

Plus for whatever reason, I am just down. I feel tired all the time. I go to sleep tired, and I wake up tired. I have no energy... and I can't even say it's either this or that... because I think it's a combination of a few things. My weight is the highest its ever been. I know it's there because i can see it....every time I look in the mirror... but looks are besides the point... I don't like feeling it. I'm "blah". I don't do much as it is, but to feel tired for no reason is beyond me. Not to mention it is extremely hot. The weather channel keeps saying that the heat is in the mid to high 90's but the air is that of a 100-110 degree day. So with that being said, its hotter in the house than outside.... that drains me too.

I just feel so unlike myself... I feel unproductive and I don't like it. Maybe I just need to tackle one thing at a time instead of trying to work on EVERYTHING at once.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Day # 2

I made it through...

Still not feeling my best, but what can i do?