My Dearest JamieLynn,

I've sat for hours on end trying to figure out how to handle this day. As many times as I've thought it was coming, not enough time in the world allowed me to prepare myself for losing you.

I find myself thinking back to when we were kids. Those were the happier days and the better days for you. Then we parted ways. Our difference in age, though it is just a number now, helped cause our separation. I remember you playing barbie dolls with me all day everyday from the time the sun came up til my dad made us go to bed. I remember all the bike rides and trips to the park my mom would take us on. I remember a lot. I'm remembering things that I thought I've forgotten but haven't. I remember our Summer's in Tennessee and throwing cookies at those boys that liked you that were poor. I feel bad now, but I remember us laughing and saying how they were so poor they'd probably come back and pick the cookies up later and eat them.

Yes, we are just "river rats" at heart, but it made us who we are. Remember the time those girls were talking crap about you because the boys at All Saints liked you? I still laugh about it now. I was about 7 years old and I remember walking into Wilson Farms with you, and those girls talking about you being a hoe. Then I remember us going to the quick shop on Esser and buying Milkbone dog bones and whipping them out the window of the Charger and barking at those ugly bitches (excuse my language)... lol I was started off at such an early age. I can't help who I am, neither can you.

I can't help but think of SWV's "weak"... you were the first to put me on to R&B, hip-hop as a small child. I remember it was my first cassette tape all because of you.

I remember when you got pregnant with Claudia... we sat for days naming that baby until we picked a name... "Justice Blue" that was back from the days where we were still watchin poetic justice with janet and pac- I laugh because i don't know what we were thinking at the time, but I smile because I know you gave her the name Justice as a middle name for me.

I've seen you struggle for so many years. The good, and the bad, you always pulled through. Even in some of my weakest moments I think about the strength you had to deal with your pain- mentally, emotionally, physically. No matter the choices in life you made, I could never fault you for. We all make mistakes, and to me you'll always be that Imperfect Angel. You are one of a kind, and can never be replaced. I envy you in that no matter how much pain you were in you always put a show for everyone and told them you were ok, and getting better. Every time I saw you, you always told me how beautiful I was and that you loved me. Thank you.

I remember the last picture we took together in 2006, which is now my default. I apologize because you'd hate it, but I love it. I remember getting ready to take this picture and you stopped to go draw your eye brows in, and I remember laughing because you kept asking me if they were even. They were even. I cried to you over Colin and everything that I was going through with him and the family. You wiped away my tears and told me if would be ok and you told me what a strong and smart person I was. You told me you understood exactly what I was going through and that it wasn't even easy for you being with an Arabian man, and the things Claudia was going through in dunkirk because of who she was. But you told me I could handle anything. I saw you once more after this day, and talked to you on the phone a few times. Then you just got to sick to even be around.

Knowing your not here anymore hit me really hard today in the car. I got in the car, and this song was playing on a station that i don't even listen to- so I have no idea how it was there. I smiled at the thought, but lost control and cried my eyes out. I remember years ago when I got the karaoke machine for my birthday. You used to sing the song "against all odds" I'll never forget.

I'm sorry I couldn't be there more. I'm sorry you were in pain. I'm sorry you died alone, but I hope you know and never forget how much I love you. You will always be with me, and I will never let anyone ever say anything bad about you. I love you JamieLynn. Forever.

Unbelievable

I can't eat, i can't sleep.. I can't stop crying... I can't make myself get out of bed. I just can't believe it.

During my spring break, while I was home in Buffalo, not only was I dealing with my emotions over the guy who doesn't want me, but I had to deal with my ex instigating and making fun of me, making a fool of me. I'm embarrassed to say the least. At the end of my trip Sunday March 14th, the day I'm supposed to pack and return to NC... my phone rang, and I was told my 29 year old cousin JamieLynn was found dead. I got on the plane, crying, sick... came back to NC-- got my mom and 8 year old brother and drove back to NY... I'm devastated. The Funeral was on the 18th... and none of it seems real. She left behind 2 beautiful children... Claudia who turns 11 on the 29th of this month, and Naji who is only 6. I held on to Naji so tight at the funeral and cried and cried my eyes out. Hes so innocent and had no idea what was going on. Could not even begin to comprehend his mother was laying in a casket in front of him. He was the happiest most joyful little thing I've ever seen in my life standing in a room full of crying miserable people. I just can't believe it. He doesn't understand... and I feel so bad. Claudia barely spoke. She sat there with a picture of her and her mother in her hand from 2pm when the viewings started til 10pm when the service ended and everyone was saying their goodbyes. It makes me sick.

I lost my cousin Josh on July 20th, 2008 at the age of 23. I've now lost another cousin JamieLynn on March 14th, 2010 at the age of 29. It's bad losing people in any situation, but I'm having a very hard time with this. Jamie and Josh were the 2 cousins I grew up with... they were the only 2 closest family members that I had, and now their both gone. I can't even begin to explain the feelings I have. I'm so worried about the way I feel and wanting more than what I have and now 2 very important people are gone. I just can't deal with it right now. I'm hurting... I'm hurting because I want love, I'm hurting because of my losses... and all at the same time I am SELFISH because I'm thinking about myself... how I feel. How could they leave me???

I just feel so lost...

"just friends" to nothing at all...

It was bad enough expressing my feelings to someone and being rejected... then to have to turn around a couple days later after accepting that there was nothing more but "friendship" to get slapped in the face again, and have him tell me he was done with me because i took life too seriously and he wanted to delete and erase everything and forget I ever existed. Why me? What do I do to people? Don't I deserve some kind of happiness. It's not fair. I'm flying home to Buffalo tomorrow afternoon, and for what? all the plans made with this "friend" is ruined because he doesn't want to see me ever again.

I need to forget about it all and just do me i guess. I want a relationship. I want someone to have an understanding of the way I live me life and I want them to care about me. I haven't had a serious relationship in over 3 years. Do i not deserve to be happy?

to make matters worse, I know I'm not as attractive as i once was, and my weight is the issue. Never have I gone out and not gotten hollar'd at. I got out of the car and these guys were there... talkin some mess, and I turned around and said "what" and they all said "not you, her" meaning my friend. I was really upset, because I've never ever experienced that in my life. It's depressing and after the night i've had i have literally spent all of my saturday crying and sleeping. I hate the point that I'm at in life. Nobody wants me, I'm stressed beyond belief, I'm not happy with the way I look... I'm not happy. I need to do something about it.... Nobody can change it but me... so it is what it is... I don't want to fly to Buffalo, but I will, and when I come back from spring break, I need to have some kind of plan to better myself. I'm just so hurt... it's all i think about- everything I'm not.

This sucks. I'm not like other girls. Every body takes advantage of that.

.Every time I see him.
Everyday he walks in...
with some fly blue suit and his cuff links are shining.
I feel like Alicia, and I just wanna sing "Baby, Baby, Baby"
He sets my soul on fire.
His shirt is pressed, and he smells so good,
but under the fragrance there's a touch of a familiar smell. I grin.
I won't even get into that.
His name spells t-r-o-u-b-l-e.
I keep my distance.
His skin is so beautiful...
So dark, so not like mine.
And as we sit there, he slides his hand over mine. It's so soft.
Not the hand of a hard working man. He's well kept.
As I pull my hand away he smiles that smile...
The smile of an Angel, Halo
The one that can't be resisted. The one with a glow.
I feel like Beyonce saying remember those walls I built
damn baby...they are tumbling down, but only I'm fighting it
I find myself lost in thought... wondering....

My time is up, my thoughts interrupted
I grab my things, get up from the desk and walk away...
I turn slightly, and glance back with a smile and continue to walk
No words spoken, but thoughts understood.


He follows me out, and yells "Yo B"
I ignore it, knowing good and well it's not for me.
I know the sound of his voice, when he leans over to whisper.
He yells again "Yo B.... Beyonce"
Only this time, I stopped to look
He says " I knew you knew I was talkin to you, Yo B, I'll be your Jay
if only you'll allow."
And now he's flowin some line like Jay and his girls, girls, girls

"I got this Indian squaw the day that I met her
Asked her what tribe she with, red dot or feather
She said all you need to know is I'm not a ho
And to get with me you better be Chief Lots-a-Dough"

I'm laughin and sayin negro please...
He says all I wanted to see was that smile
The one before was just a tease
He's got me wondering what could be.
In the back of my mind, I'm asking is leaving for me?
He says we could be like Bonnie and Clyde.
and I'm here when you decide.

But my minds made up, this chapter is over.

It's a New Month

I am so glad this is the last week of classes, and Friday starts spring break. BUT why is it that during this week professors load you up with homework, papers, and tests beyond belief? I just need to get through this week because Sunday.... I am outta here.

I'm going to be spending my Spring Break in Buffalo... but it's not like it'll be a big vacation. I have tons of stuff I need to do since I will be returning there for good this May. I'm going to be living with my grandparents at first, so I need to clean out the room I'll be staying in and take down the ugly wallpaper that's been there since the 60's lol and I need to paint and patch up a few things. Get some furniture moved in... and that way when I come home in May, I'll just have to worry about clothes, shoes, and everyday stuff. Hopefully it will only take me a day or two because I'd really like to spend the rest of the days doing NOTHING. My friends babyshower is also that week, so I'll have somethings to do there... but other than that... the way i see it, I will be sittin on my butt with my feet kicked up!

I've given up on this "diet" that I was on- it sucks. I always start off well, and then get caught up and stressed out with school, and other personal issues that my emotional release is through food, and forcing myself to workout is an understatement when it's something I hate doing. I just can't continue the motivational aspects to keep myself on the treadmill, and then I have the days where I just plain out do not want to! Ultimately- the only goal I can set for myself and focus on working on overall is to lose 15 pounds. I'd like to have the 15 pounds gone by graduation, but that is going to involve time and work... and I'm not so committed right now. I'm down about myself and my personal life... and I can't find any kind of pick me up.

I've made a fool of myself repeatedly and expressed my feelings toward a person and let him know that I really liked him... and in return he said he liked me, but just wanted to be friends. Nothing like being rejected... I try to stay optimistic like maybe his feelings might change because we get along really good and he flirts with me, and says cutesy things, but I think he's afraid of if he had to commit. I guess I'm too young to be tied down, but I'm too old to be runnin around with more than one guy, and quite frankly I find the sleeping around part in poor taste. I just don't do it. I guess I'm so down about it because no one ever wants to hear "lets just be friends" when they have feelings for the other person.... and based on my previous relationships I have a lot of self image issues so I feel like I'm too fat for him, or not pretty enough. He says I'm beautiful... but if I'm so beautiful, and such a great person... what keeps you from wanting to be with me? I don't know... I wish I understood. My experience in relationships is far and in between the average person. It takes a lot for me to commit, and it takes a lot for me to get up the nerve to express if I like someone and want to be MORE than just friends.... So, I'm really dying inside feeling like there's something wrong with me, and I'm pretty sure it's my weight... that keeps the guy wanting to only be friends. I'll never know. He said it's because he doesn't want a long distance relationship- and that I understand, but I'll be back in Buffalo in 2 months... and then He knows I'm coming home for my spring break and I was implying that I wanted to see him a lot and joking about hanging out everyday and he was just like "maybe we'll see" I don't know why I bother... I'm not what he wants. I guess my best bet is to move on... but after getting up the nerve to say I like you and have liked you, and am interested in seeing you/ dating you etc.... giving up and moving on seems like such failure. When I was a size 8... I was never turned down. I never had this problem... I didn't understand what it was like to be rejected. Why can't I get it together enough to go back to that world. I want to look good for the man that will love me, and I want to keep myself up for him, and I want him to be proud of what I look like, the person I am and my accomplishments.... I don't think this guy would me. Not in how I look now... but why can't i get myself together enough to do something about it???

What to do..... get passed this week and see what happens... I guess.

Thank Goodness for the weekend

It's been a little while since my last post. I've been super stressed in addition to pms'ing- I've been in major bitch mode, and I'm very disappointed with weightloss progress. It's going and getting no where. I'm 1.2 pounds lighter. Thats about all I can say. lol I hate working out. I have to force myself to do it... I guess I'm going to have to force myself to do more of it as well, because whatever I'm doing just isn't kicking me into weightloss mode. But then again, stress is overtaking.

I had a complete meltdown the other day....lol it's kind of funny now, but I was crying and etc. because I'm under a lot of pressure. This semester of 21 credit hours seems a lot harder for some reason. I was doing some paperwork for the college I am transferring to this summer, and became extremely overwhelmed with all of it, and the requirements I need to complete for dental school. In fact, because of all these additional prereq's. I may be set back a year longer than I intended. I can only hope for the best. I guess if I'm finished with all my schooling and a doctor of dentistry by the time I'm 30, then I guess I should consider myself as successful. Is a year really going to make that much of a difference in my life? I don't know, but ultimately I broke down because of all of these thoughts. I did a little research and found that on average, people don't complete dental school and start their career until around the age of 30. So I will just fall into the average category... I don't know. I am still stressed about it. I need a real job. I need to be able to make real money as well. lol I need to get a place of my own to call "home" I just feel like being 24 and living at home is getting to be too much. I know my parents want me at home, but I don't consider myself a child, and see all my friends that are 24 married with kids and buying homes, and I question myself on where I've gone wrong in my life? I have no serious relationship to even consider marriage. I have no children, I'm not even in graduate school yet. When will I have time for all these things?

I won't even be able to begin a family until I'm 30... It honestly makes me sad, because it's someting I want. I'm clearly not at any stage in life to be having children or a husband, but for some reason I feel like by the time I'm 30, its just too old to start that life. In reality, I won't even be starting that life at 30. At 30 I'll just be finishing school and getting started with my career. Maybe the kids and husband aren't apart of the picture for me....lol oh well. I made my choices and school was where I chose to go in life versuses working on relationships.... Guess I'm tired of being in a loveless relationship I call school!... well it's not even that. I love going to school because I know its going to get me where I want to be in life, however, i don't love the stress it puts on me, and it doesn't necessarily love me back... it doesn't comfort me when I'm sad or stressed or having a meltdown.... it's generally the cause....lol

I just wonder when my time for true happiness is going to come. Will I ever find a person that is going to love me, and respect me, and support me when I need them.... or am I going to have to continue to count on myself for everything I need. I have my family yes. But it's not the same as having a significant other. I dislike seeing that all my "friends" have the things I want- minus the education... they chose husbands and babies, and I chose education and money. So ultimately who's happier in the end... me or them?

I'm glad its the weekend, but I still have a lot of things to do. I also need to force myself to exercise today and tomorrow. I guess something is better than nothing!

Hope you all are well.

Snowed In Weekend.

So, This weekend pretty much sucked. I'm not complaining that I got a snow day on Friday and didn't have to go to any of my classes... in fact it was great, but friday afternoon we lost our cable and internet... then around 4pm we lost our power which wasn't restored until sometime around 10pm. We froze to death!! But I was thankful for it to come back on. Now it's Sunday, I had TONS of homework to do, but was not able to thanks to my cable/internet being out. The cable and my internet just came back on an hour ago. It's time for me to get to work...

I'm missing Mr. Text Message, but UGH!!! Forget it. He's not worth it!

I'm kind of in a bored, sad, bad mood. Nothing is going my way. I'm stressed with all the homework I need to do. I've been stuck in the house and all I've done is eat. This weightloss thing is not working for me. I need to find some kind of motivation. I was really motivated for about a week and then I completely lost it! oh well... hope you all had a good weekend.