Thank Goodness for the weekend

It's been a little while since my last post. I've been super stressed in addition to pms'ing- I've been in major bitch mode, and I'm very disappointed with weightloss progress. It's going and getting no where. I'm 1.2 pounds lighter. Thats about all I can say. lol I hate working out. I have to force myself to do it... I guess I'm going to have to force myself to do more of it as well, because whatever I'm doing just isn't kicking me into weightloss mode. But then again, stress is overtaking.

I had a complete meltdown the other day....lol it's kind of funny now, but I was crying and etc. because I'm under a lot of pressure. This semester of 21 credit hours seems a lot harder for some reason. I was doing some paperwork for the college I am transferring to this summer, and became extremely overwhelmed with all of it, and the requirements I need to complete for dental school. In fact, because of all these additional prereq's. I may be set back a year longer than I intended. I can only hope for the best. I guess if I'm finished with all my schooling and a doctor of dentistry by the time I'm 30, then I guess I should consider myself as successful. Is a year really going to make that much of a difference in my life? I don't know, but ultimately I broke down because of all of these thoughts. I did a little research and found that on average, people don't complete dental school and start their career until around the age of 30. So I will just fall into the average category... I don't know. I am still stressed about it. I need a real job. I need to be able to make real money as well. lol I need to get a place of my own to call "home" I just feel like being 24 and living at home is getting to be too much. I know my parents want me at home, but I don't consider myself a child, and see all my friends that are 24 married with kids and buying homes, and I question myself on where I've gone wrong in my life? I have no serious relationship to even consider marriage. I have no children, I'm not even in graduate school yet. When will I have time for all these things?

I won't even be able to begin a family until I'm 30... It honestly makes me sad, because it's someting I want. I'm clearly not at any stage in life to be having children or a husband, but for some reason I feel like by the time I'm 30, its just too old to start that life. In reality, I won't even be starting that life at 30. At 30 I'll just be finishing school and getting started with my career. Maybe the kids and husband aren't apart of the picture for me....lol oh well. I made my choices and school was where I chose to go in life versuses working on relationships.... Guess I'm tired of being in a loveless relationship I call school!... well it's not even that. I love going to school because I know its going to get me where I want to be in life, however, i don't love the stress it puts on me, and it doesn't necessarily love me back... it doesn't comfort me when I'm sad or stressed or having a meltdown.... it's generally the cause....lol

I just wonder when my time for true happiness is going to come. Will I ever find a person that is going to love me, and respect me, and support me when I need them.... or am I going to have to continue to count on myself for everything I need. I have my family yes. But it's not the same as having a significant other. I dislike seeing that all my "friends" have the things I want- minus the education... they chose husbands and babies, and I chose education and money. So ultimately who's happier in the end... me or them?

I'm glad its the weekend, but I still have a lot of things to do. I also need to force myself to exercise today and tomorrow. I guess something is better than nothing!

Hope you all are well.

Snowed In Weekend.

So, This weekend pretty much sucked. I'm not complaining that I got a snow day on Friday and didn't have to go to any of my classes... in fact it was great, but friday afternoon we lost our cable and internet... then around 4pm we lost our power which wasn't restored until sometime around 10pm. We froze to death!! But I was thankful for it to come back on. Now it's Sunday, I had TONS of homework to do, but was not able to thanks to my cable/internet being out. The cable and my internet just came back on an hour ago. It's time for me to get to work...

I'm missing Mr. Text Message, but UGH!!! Forget it. He's not worth it!

I'm kind of in a bored, sad, bad mood. Nothing is going my way. I'm stressed with all the homework I need to do. I've been stuck in the house and all I've done is eat. This weightloss thing is not working for me. I need to find some kind of motivation. I was really motivated for about a week and then I completely lost it! oh well... hope you all had a good weekend.

Somewhat Accomplished

I've been snowed in all weekend. The streets/roads are still crappy, but my classes are only delayed until 11am. THANKS... lol still gives me enough time to drive to school for my test at 12. I was hoping for a snow day... I could've used an extra day this weekend. Oh well, Just make the best of it!

Anywho... I got 40 of my friend's baby shower invitations completed. I spent 2 days coming up with a design and then putting them together. I love them :) I still have another 45 to make, but now that I got it down to an art the rest will be a breeze. Everything is printed and made... now it's just for gluing everything together and letting them dry. Their made from Stampin' Up stamps and some ribbon from Michaels. Here's some pics.











I think their pretty cute. Simple, but cute. The most time consuming part was cutting all the paper & ribbons and fitting it where it needed to be fit not to mention, coloring in 85 carriages. LOL. But at least the complicated part is done. I should have them done by Monday or Tuesday then I can mail them off to the friend, and be done with it! I'm glad, that's one less thing I need to worry about. Now, I can go back to focusing on my school work! Before bed, I have 3 online quizzes to complete and then I need to study for my Learning and Motivation test. So That's what I'll be doing for the rest of the evening.

Hope everyone is enjoying the *snow* in their area. I love it!!! :)

You Make Me LAUGH!

Sometimes I feel like I live in a soap opera. Everyday it's something new, but fueled by old drama... now with the word OLD being there, you assume that it's past tense... and it is... lol It's in my past. Why can't it be in yours? As if, slandering my name all over places like Myspace, and facebook aren't bad enough... lets post "flows" on comments about me. Funny, Funny. I'm not addressing this publicly, I'm venting in my blog because... the least they know gets to me... the better off I am in the end! I wish that a certain someone would just leave it alone and let it be. We tried the relationship route, it didn't work. He cheated on me, and abused me mentally, physically, and emotionally. I tried to put all that behind me and let it go, so we tried the friend route, that only led to more problems... So JUST LET IT BE!!!

I may be a lot of things... I'm fine with you expressing your feelings in calling me a fat bitch, and its no secret, I'm overweight and insecure about my weight... Call me that, so be it... I may be crazy, sure, but you pushed me and provoked me to lash out irrationally. You thought my emotions were a game! But one thing I am not... is a Whore! It's funny how that could be said, when all I can say is if that isn't calling the kettle black... then I do not know what is. It's always a game, I'm always the "loser" the one below my opponent. I'm just so tired of this! Can't you just leave me alone. I tried so hard because I thought after years of what we had gone through together that we could be friends. I've sacrificed my own life, my family, my friends, and even my self respect to keep you happy... It's just not worth it! I can't take it. I learned you, over the years I learned you very well. But I'm so tired of things being so ONE sided. It's always your way, your story, your "truth" and I'm just the "dumb fat white bitch." I appreciate you going out and telling different guys to sleep with me, and posting my personal business and our past personal sex life in what you think is a mastermind "flow" on myspace. WHY? I have nothing to say about you.

I know you well enough, to know and admit that YES, when it comes to you, I made one mistake! You bad mouth me constantly, and hurt my feelings, and then you want to tell me that you have another female in your life (like it affects me) and she wants to beat my ass (why? because your telling her about me, and blatantly LYING to someone who DOES NOT EVEN KNOW ME) Then you want to tell me how it's sad that I'm so lonely and have no one in my life... and then you want to tell me that without a doubt I'm going to settle. I should've bit my tongue and let it go but in return, I did tell you "Well don't we all settle at some point- including your sister... she settled too and married an abusive controlling man" I should've just kept my mouth shut, but it's unfair- YOU can put me down, and put my family down... and the minute I say something in return about anyone you know... you're out to get me. I knew better. I did, but as some point enough is enough! YOU are NOT going to walk all over me anymore. I do not appreciate the things you have to say about me, and YOU let it be known about all the "skinny" bitches you cheated on me with. I was a fool, everyone who knows me and knows you, knows that I let you walk all over me. But that was then. Since then, I've done nothing, but try to take the high road. I try not to speak of you or about you. I try to forget that an "us" ever existed. You tell me I'm the one with the problem... but you do nothing but push and push and push, and provoke me until I do something about it, and the minute I do- you always want to call my parents and lie to them, tell them I'm pregnant with your baby (when you know they hate you for all the trouble you've caused) then you want to put me down to everyone!!! You bring nothing but turmoil to my life. You won't leave me alone, but constantly remind me that I'm not good enough for you, I'm not skinny enough for you and your 280 pound 6 foot self. I tried to be civil, I really did. You said you wanted to be friends and you wanted to meet out so we could talk, and I met you out- and you set me up, to get jumped by that girl! You stood there and watched her beat my ass, I won't even lie about that, but that was the last straw, you didn't care that I was bleeding from the beer bottle she broke and cut me with... infact u supplied it and laughed. So fine, let everyone know that too, as you already post and tell everyone about. I really hate you. I tried to forgive you, because I know you have problems of your own, that need to psychologically evaluated... But then you threatened my grandparents... and that hurt me more than any of the abuse you've ever done to me. You play mind games with me... to get me to talk to you, and be friends with you... out of FEAR that you'll start problems with my family. Please just let me go.... if you ever loved me at all... LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!

Now, I know you know "Mr. Text Message" - I know he's a mutual friend of ours, but how could you post such vulgar things about me on his Myspace... and what pisses me off even more... Mr. Text Message- HOW COULD YOU LEAVE THEM THERE WHEN I ASKED YOU TO REMOVE THEM!!!!!!!! AND YOU CALL YOURSELF MY FRIEND!!!! I'm throwing in the towel. Game over... you all win. I hope you sleep well at night. I hope you both enjoy hurting me, and publicly humiliating me. I appreciate everything. You've brought such clarity to my life.

Just Beautiful!

The last few days, I've been feeling really good. I've been going to bed early (but sort of slacking on my homework- i'll have to do double time this weekend, but that's ok, the sleep feels wonderful) I actually feel good!

Sunday was an interesting day for me. I didn't sleep that well thinking about the things people do. I decided to say F' it, and put the negativity to good use.
I decided that since there was suddenly so many people that dislike me, and want to put my name all over myspace and facebook bad mouthing me... that I wouldn't bother to even let it get to me. I'm sick and tired of people that want to hurt others while their down to make matters worse, and then turn around and still wanna stab you in the back and kick you because your happy and they are not. (Men, past men... no longer my present of future.) I don't know what it is... is it necessary to constantly call me a "fat bitch" and then post it all over myspace? Like can't you come with something more original... My dear friend-ex- my nothing of the last 8 years. I remember when I loved him... it's funny, He was my first love and a small part of me will always hold him in my heart just because he was the first person I chose to make adult decisions with, and chose to give my heart to. There was a lesson learned in that. But the abuse, I will NOT stand for. I did at one point, because I thought that it was what I deserved. However... I deserve better than he could ever give me. Sometimes i feel like he's jealous. Not of my relationships- because I have none, yet, and that is ok with me. But I feel like he's jealous of my accomplishments and the life I live. I'm working on finishing my THIRD college degree when he doesn't even have one. He hates that I'm at A&T- he thinks its just another way for me to "want to be black"- No offence to the black race, but I do not want to be black. I am very happy with the color I am, and I do not in anyway try to be something I am not. I am who I am. Now forgive me for even going there, but have you ever seen those white girls that got their hair all weaved and braided up, dress in only rockawear, dereon, baby phat, etc... and think their hood... and oh lord, when they open their mouthes they even sound more ridiculous than they look!!! That's not me.. Or the white girls that approach black men and wanna talk about how their up on black culture because they listen to 50 cent and Young Jeezy.. or Gucci man... Again, that's not me. I'm me. So granted I go to A&T, but this was my choice. I'm happy with my choice. There was no intentions of "wanting to be black" or "blacker" for that matter...lol At the end of the day it's not worth it. Aside for the Administration errors I am faced with at A&T, I am very proud to be an Aggie, and can honestly say, I have learned a lot here. I've learned higher education, yes. But I've also learned personal values. I've accepted things and have been instilled with Pride. Nobody can break me down and make me believe otherwise. Sorry for the sake of him, but that's how it is.
As for the negativity and the lack of support, I've used it in my favor. I have my own issues and insecure with my body image, but in all honesty... there's nothing about me that cannot be fixed. I struggle with my weight. I always have since I was a child. Some people say that Obesity is a choice, and in some cases it may be. I however, believe that it is in some cases genetic as well. You cannot help your health problems that have been passed on to you from your family genes. My mother had undergone Gastric Bypass 2 years ago, and I must say, it is probably the best thing that she has ever done for herself. She too struggled with her weight. Through having the surgery, they found additional health problems that had nothing to do with her weight, that they tend to blame on "being obese" so- with that said, I'm happy she's had the surgery and now knows the value of eating healthier and living longer. Now, I'm not in a place where I need to undergo weightloss surgery, I do not want to get to that point either. Since Monday, I've tried to eat healthier and I have worked out and done cardio everyday thus far. The last time I blogged about weightloss I set a goal of losing 14.2 pounds. Since then, I have lost 3.8 pounds. Monday I walked 1 mile, just to kind of force my body into some kind of movement-- to make an attempt to get into a routine. Tuesday I walked 2 miles, and jogged a little bit. It's hard for me to jog/run, I'm not in shape for one, and two it's rough on my ankle. But I intend on shaping that up too. I want to be in a place where I'm healthy and strong enough to run in a 5K or something.... (i think thats what its called) But baby steps... a day at a time. I decided that this week would only involve cardio, I have to get my body used to it. I got in a situation where I was sort of depressed, and didn't want to do anything productive... so I sat on my butt- TALKED about exercising and losing weight, but mostly sat in front of the computer or doing homework. I have a lot going on this semester, but there's no excuse for not taking 30 minutes to an hour to do something to better myself health/physical wise.
So that's that. Mr. Text message is out of the question too. Out of no where he said that he didn't want to talk to me every again because he was no longer interested in me like that. Then, the following day (tuesday) he said that maybe him n I could start over but not right now.... well forget it, because one I have no idea what I did for him to even be acting this way, and two, I don't need it, I don't need him or his friendship... so peace out! LOL maybe later, when he's finished doing whatever he's doing with somebody else, then he'll come back... PLEASE whatever. Better him be gone, then playing with my emotions on a day to day basis because he doesn't know what he wants to do with his life. I guess it's just meant for me to enjoy my single days, and maybe i'll meet somebody on my level in dental school.

Well, that's all for me. It's 11:50 and I have class at 12:00 so I have to get out off here, and head to my next class. Have a great day!

Lonely Sunday...

I pretty much spent all of today... alone, and by myself. It's been ok, I was able to get some homework done. Not as much as I had intended to get done, but at least I managed to complete some of it.

I was actually in a pretty good mood, until a friend wanted to take his frustrations out on me I guess... What is it with people? He text me, and I text him back and in return asked him why he was being short with me, and he said no reason... another short answer which is not at all like him. I asked him what was wrong with him and again he said nothing... so I was like ok, I'll c ya I'm not gonna bother you...and he responds with "whatever" now I know him well enough to know that when he says whatever its a sarcastic tone, but why the hell am I going to continue to conversate with someone who is clearly in a mood, and being short with me... NOW HE TEXT me first!!! so i responded... don't bother texting me if your going to give me 1-2 word answers... just don't waste my time, and definitely don't bother me if your in a bad mood, because I'm now in a bad mood.... His last text said "wow i dont know what your problem is but i dont have one you wanna act like that don't bother talking to me ever again" -- so heres my thing, if you intentionally text me to start an argument and say were never going to talk again... why couldn't you just be straight forward about it rather than starting a un-needed argument about what i don't even know!!!!! Why because I said that I didn't have time for him being short with me?? UGH!!! Why even bother... it is what it is... and all I have to say is ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST!

So, I went to the store this afternoon, and bought the supplies to make these homemade shower invitations, but I'm not going all out. I bought very basic supplies. I've known this girl for 10 years now... and I'm going to make them... I expect nothing in return. I also decided I wasn't going to buy her anything more than what I did and I honestly only spent $28 on the clearance baby clothes, and maybe another 15-20 on the supplies for these cards. I'm not being cheap... I'm just still not totally sold on her apology. We had a falling out... some things got said, and I truthfully do not care if her hormones are off balance or whatever her case may be. As far as considering her my friend... nah... I no longer trust her.... I confronted her on the issue at hand, and that's when our big blow out occurred and things were said that I just can't forgive. I'll let it go, but as far as the friendship we had 5 years ago or even a year ago... is not going to happen. My feelings were hurt... Now, in the past I have dated black men, but thats not my preference. In fact I don't believe in that nonsense for myself- maybe someone else does- but to each their own. I have absolutely no problem dating a white man... if that is the case so be it! However, I went out with a friend- who is a white guy- and my so called "best friend" sent him a text message when he was out with me and said "don't get too attached- she only dates ni****rs" Now, you can fill in the blank letters if you want, BUT contrary to her choice of words I DO NOT use that word at all. Now, I understand that people have their own opinions, but if your my best friend, your going to accept me for all my choices... and no you dont have to agree with them. Also, the guy didn't even have to show me this text message, but he did- and quite honestly I'm glad he did, because it's nice to know what people have to say about you after 10 yrs of friendship... I can't forgive her for that. But for her to say that to him, I don't see the point- she didn't know him and I were out together... she has nothing to do with him anyways... we had all gone to school together so we were all mutual friends... the only thing that i can think of is maybe there's jealousy issues... but there shouldn't be... she's pregnant by another man, and a few years ago when he asked her out on a date- she turned him down for her childs father... and he went on to find another girl... now I'm not saying anything will happen between me and the guy because its hard for me to picture him 24 yrs old when I remember him when we were 13....LOL but still- it's not her place... and she is not in control of my life. I friendship can't be fixed, but I'm not the type to hold grudges... I'll do her invites, and give her the gift I bought.... I'll see her occassionally, but we wont be hanging out... My life is going in a different directions, my friends are going to change. She chose to quit school and only complete her GED... now shes having a baby by a guy who I won't even call a man because he's not... he's 27 with nothing to offer. I'm not saying that I'm better than or above anyone... but the company I keep will change drastically in my professionalism. It's just a fact of life. Besides... that knife cut far too deep with her especially considering I made the choice to go to an all black university... and I'm very well accepted- and no one, none of them have to accept me at all. That is a black establishment. I'm thankful for the opportunities I've been given there, and I'm thankful for all the people I've met, I truly believe that I've become a better more well rounded person because of it... that's something that this "friend" will never experience or understand. Close minded people get no where in life. I am who I am, and I see no color. Love has no color... so she can really go on with all her nonsense. It's sad that she's like this, and she's going to want our friendship back.. but it'll never be the same.

I have a busy day tomorrow. 3 classes and another meeting with the chair of the psch dept. about my independent study... and home for homework and studying... 4 tests this week- what a nightmare!

Goodnight all.

Sooooooo

So, if it's not one thing, it is always another.

SCHOOL:

So, I managed to get everything completed with school, and I handed in my graduation App on the 20th. However, I was 1 credit short of the required 124 hours. So I had to ADD another class to my schedule. As if 18 credit hours isn't enough, I am now taking 21. The class I added is an Independent study... but I'm just at my limit. I love A&T, but the staff is a nightmare... Now, I have to wait for my Audit, and PRAY they approve me for everything because I plan to graduate May 8th. There's not really any reason for them not to approve me... but who knows there's a discrepancy between the program change and what I was told to use and what they want me to use now... but that's not my fault if I was misinformed. either way, I completed the old program curriculum, which is more classes, but whatever it doesn't matter. Hopefully, I'm done. Now, I'm working on coming up with a topic for my Independent study that I need to take in front of the psych board and get them to approve my research. I'm not very into this.... but if it means graduating... I will do what I need to. I think I'm going to do survey research on Dental phobia... since I plan to go to dental school... which let me touch on that issue for a minute... Now, I went to the chair of the psych dept. who approved me for the independent study... he asked what my interest was in psychology... and I told him that I didn't have a main interest. My goal was to obtain a bachelor's to go to dental school... he seemed VERY upset that I wasn't pursuing a career in psychology... but it's my life, i know what my educational and career goals are. Don't get me wrong, psych has and will benefit me, but it's not my calling... it's just not. But I was a little disappointed in the way I was treated considering, my pathway was dental school and not a masters/ph.d in psych... so now I feel like I've been put under a microscope to be evaluated very heavily for this research. Oh well- all I have to say is watch me do the damn thing!!!

On another note, I've had a pretty busy Saturday, I did some shopping. I now have ANOTHER project in addition to my 21 credit hours... lord have mercy... My friend is having a baby in April, and her baby shower is in March... she asked me to make the invitations, and I said yes... but I have to make 85 homemade invites by the last week of February.... So I kind of have my work cut out for me! Me & this friend haven't exactly been on the best of terms either... so I'm sort of going out on a limb for her. I bought her baby shower gift today while I was out too... so I completely got that out of the way. And not that I'm being cheap or anything, but I did buy things that were on sale/clearance... being cheaper allowed me to buy greater quantity... I was going to buy a large item, but I figure I would get some small stuff, and then wait until after the baby was born and see what she gets from this baby shower and then buy something she didn't get. but if she has 85 guests (which I doubt will show up) she might get all she needs... We will see.

I came home from shopping and spent the evening rearranging the livingroom. I decided that it's time to get to work! I moved around some furniture and moved the treadmill into a area where it's out of the way, but will be no reason for me not to get on it! I put the weights and exercise ball in the room too. My goal is to put this stuff to use. I stepped on the scale yesterday and decided that there is no more messing around!!! I set my first goal, and that is to lose 14.2 pounds and once I get there I will set my next goal... I did go out on a limb and purchase Jillian Michael's diet detox/cleanse... so we'll see... It's like a 14 day thing that's guaranteed to work... so I started that today.

I wanted to do homework, but it's already 11:30pm and I am exhausted from cleaning and moving heavy furniture and treadmills around... plus the shopping. I should really try to go to bed somewhat early and get up at a decent hour instead of sleeping in and get some laundry done, and work on my homework. I have a test Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday & Friday.... so It's going to be a busy week!! I also wanted to put together my proposal tomorrow for my independent study on dental phobia to turn in on monday. the sooner I get this going, the sooner I can get it out of the way and turn it in!!

Anyway... that's about it for me. Hope you all are well.