Searching for Peace with in

JANUARY 1st 2009...

This is the beginning to a NEW year. One far better than the past years... I'm on a 50/50 start right now. For starters... I'm home, I'm not out partying.... Partying... something I was pretty heavy into... along with the drinking.... though I never touched the drugs that surrounded me... I'm sure I drank the equivalent to the "high." I'm sitting here holding back tears.... This is the first official year that we'll all have to go through without Josh. The way I feel right now... I cannot even begin to explain.... I'm Happy for me... because I've decided to let go of burdens and move forth in life... but I feel so much pain knowing that I can't even keep it together. I knew this was going to take more time... and I'm dealing, but OMG as I watched the ball drop Josh was suddenly on my mind, and it was like somebody was ripping my heart out. I felt like I watched years flash before me and time leave me in the dust. It wasn't supposed to be like this... Not Josh... he was supposed to be here... we were supposed to get older, and be in each others weddings, and have kids that would someday play together and torment eachother like we did.... in my heart, I know he did this to himself... no matter how the family tries to cover it up... I know the truth... He spent so long searching for himself.... and at the service, all I remember is the pastor saying that he was gone because he finally found himself, and in finding that peace it was his time to go home.... I want to believe that so badly.... but I dont know.... I get so upset with myself because I find myself questioning God... if he really exists, and how could he do this? Wasn't there a way to save him and keep him here? I know I'm being selfish... I know, but I would give anything to bring him back or to go back in time and help him.

I try to remember that God, gave Josh an extra year with us after his car accident. That even with all the brain trauma... and memory loss that he was exactly who I remembered... and over those last 6-8 months of his life... him and I talked literally almost everyday. He knew so much about me, and it kills me, because when we swore to secrecy the stuff we knew about each other... he literally took it to the grave with him. The Pastor at the service said... "if God came and said that he was going to give u a gift, but u could only have that gift for 23 years, would you take it?" and my answer is yes.... but is this what was supposed to happen when you don't want to give it back? You end up like me?

I'm so torn in how I feel. I'm so happy for me finally finding a way out of the drama, and yet i'm still so devestated and grieving.... this is such a terrible feeling!

"Love knows not its own depth, until the hour of seperation..."

I'm going to go to sleep.... HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL!!

Bringing in the New Year...

I can say that over the year + time that it has taken me to get over Mike... I have accumulated a lot of JUNK and lost my organizational skills. I gave up on that all together. I decided that to bring in the New Year... I needed a new make over... not just with my appearance and that, but in my living quarters as well! I went to Wal-mart today... and picked out some paint... I decided to start a small project... and paint my bathroom. The tiling in it is pink... I dont know why, that's just what was here when my family and I moved in... It's hard to really match colors with pink... so I decided to get creative. My bathroom is going to be pink, black and white... I bought some white paint and some black paint.... I'm going to put black stripes on the walls... I don't know we'll see how it turns out. It won't be extreme... but it will definitely modernize the bathroom. It's only a half bath off my room... so it's not a huge space to work on. I cleaned it out and painted the walls white, tomorrow will be the black stripes... when the white is dry... Even with the fresh white paint on the walls, it really brightened up the bathroom. I'm excited!!

I'm deciding what to do with my bedroom. It is a mess, I won't even lie! I watch this show called "Clean House" on the style channel... and my room isn't quite that bad, but I've watched it enough to realize that I too use clutter to deal with my emotional state. I use the clutter as a copeing machanism. It's depressing... So it's time for a fresh start! Right now my room, is a very pale lavendar color... I'm deciding what to do with it... I want something totally out of the ordinary for me... I've always been one of those really girly girls where everything is pink and purple. I remember being younger and picking out the paint for my room when i was about six or seven and it was literally the color of pepto bismol... not to mention I had dancing ballerina bears as a border around the room....lol I was thinking about doing my room a pretty teal color... sort of serene and tranquil.... I don't know... the "princess" part of me might get the best of me and I may end up with a different shade of purple or another pepto bismol pink room....lol

One door closes, and another will open, and its time to get my life cleaned up. I want a fresh start into the new year. Mind, Body, and Soul... oh and space as well! lol

Well, I rented This Christmas... that I have been dying to see since forever but never made it to the movies last year to see it and every time i go to the video store its all rented... so I finally got it... and I'm going to watch it! That and this other movie called the women... So... y'all have a good night!

Is this really what it has come to?

Hmm... where to start... "fat white bitch" or should I back it up?

Ok, I'll start from the beginning... I work with this guy and his "girlfriend" or at least that's what she likes to call herself.... We all work at Applebees. Marcus is cool, funny... we talk sometimes at work..but mostly through text messages... I'm a flirty type of person.. I can't help it... it's how I am... and the lord knows Marcus isn't afraid to flirt or touch and feel on people right in front his "girl" ... she blames the other girl? Ok, so something funny is going on here... So she goes through his phone and sees text messages... which really aren't about anything... and calls me...

Now... I knew it was her calling me, because 1... Marcus never calls me... if he wants to talk, he'll text me. That is the basis of our communication.

I answer the phone and say "hello"...

she says "Arriel, its Brittany"

I reply " I figured"

Then she says "Well, I'm calling because I was going through Marcus's phone and saw text messages from you.... Why do you continue to talk to him when you know he's mine"

(I know I probably pissed her off, but...) I said "Brittany, if he was yours like he claim he is, you wouldn't need to go through his phone, and you wouldn't be calling me right now...besides their just text messages that mean nothing"

She was quiet... and hung up on me...

YES! I called back because you don't call someone and expect a fight or reaction out of them, and when you don't get it you hang up!! So I left Marcus a voicemail and

I said "Hi, this is Arriel, I'm just returning Brittany's call... I don't know if my phone lost the signal or if she got mad and hung up... but I just wanted to make sure she was through and said all she needed to... Ok, well I'll ttyl"

I don't think I was rude in anyway, besides... after I left the voicemail, Marcus said he was in the shower and got out and she was gone... and all he saw on his phone was a call to me, and a voicemail from me....

I'm not mad... I don't care... I didn't care last night... There is nothing going on between him and I... just a little bit of flirting, but mostly we talk about everyday stuff and occassionally Marcus gets personal... he'll tell me how hes a cheater and wants to fix it and etc. Brittany and him aren't together... he says he tells her, but she tries to hard.... It started off with them just sleeping together, and she wanted more... she thought she was going to change him... PLEASE! I thought If I should colin love, and what'd I'd do for him... I thought I could change him too! So I have been there I have don't that... I'm not calling her stupid... She'll learn, but she has to want to see it first... right now she's blocking it out... So Marcus says "shes throwing herself at me all the time... why not go with it" It's true... he uses her... he's a womanizer and he admitted it to me... See this is what our texts are like, and every now and then a text message says "you were looking sexy today".... Thank you Marcus but I'm not that dumb... and yes we had the conversation over messages on Myspace about... and i quote from him "your different... you're not like most girls" this may be true... but don't think you'll be having your way with me anytime soon!

WHAT MAKES ME MAD!!!! Is How Brittany approaches things when she's mad... now "Arriels a fat white bitch" ok fine... I'll take that, but really I feel sorry for her. She may be a size 2, but at least I know shes not turning Marcus into her man or husband... because he cheats on her all the time and she knows it!!!! What also irritates me... is how "us white bitches are so insecure that we need to go to a black WOMANS man".... EH WRONG.... NEGATIVE... he came to me.... and that's besides the point... I am NOT insecure..... who was going through who's phone and called me??? riiiiiiight.... so your going to call me insecure when your own insecurities get the best of you, and because you cannot trust your so called "man" you go through his phone.... Whatever... everyone deals with thier own... but apparently she wants to beat my ass....

REALLY? Is this what it has come to?? I am 23 years old, and too grown to be acting like this... now maybe if this was 5 or 6 years ago... yeah, I'd be there ready to whoop her ass... but why now? I'm not fighting for anything.... I have nooooo reason!!!

I feel bad that shes mad, but 1 I'm not triffling, 2. I did nothing wrong, and 3. She knows she's not the one for him because he shows it.... SHE KNOWS.... I stood there the day that her friend came into APPLEBEES and said HOW ARE YOU AND MARCUS DOING? her reply.... "Oh we're doing good... he stopped cheating a little bit"

If that's how you want to be then so be it.... but I am a far cry from a worry to you. Their TEXT MESSAGES....lol

amazing.. not my worry! Just thought I'd write about my night... lol

"He blew my mind, but also had a flip side...too much like a gemini"

As 2008 is coming to an end, I'm realizing all the chapters in my life that need to be re-evaluated, dealt with, Finished and put on the shelf of life's experiences... I decided that as much as I will always care for Colin... I just don't want to deal with the unnecessary drama and stipulations that come with him. There's a whole lot in that package, and its just time to move on. After my 23rd birthday, I felt different in ways I can't really explain. I guess maybe I feel a little bit more mature... more like it's "My" time... versus worrying about everyone else... I just felt different, I knew I changed... I also knew after the death of Josh, that I changed drastically. I'm not who I was and nor will I ever be that person again. Life will never be the same either. There's so many issues to the situation with Josh, and maybe on another day I will get into them all. That's just one chapter that I know is going to take some long time of healing... it won't be over by the end of 08' I'm prepared! I know! I just don't know how well I'm prepared for things "not being the same." I defitinitely skipped all the major holidays...so I don't really know what that was like without him... 2009 will be an adventure when thanksgiving and christmas comes. Baby steps... one step at a time.

I guess mostly, I'm ready to get rid of the negativity in my life. "Tomorrow's Never Promised" thats what I tell myself... Rob, said it sounds depressing, but its not meant to be depressing... its meant to inspire, and it really kinda puts things into persepective. I may not have tomorrow. Why can't I live for that day, and enjoy it no matter how bad things may be. There is no reason for me to dwell on things that happened in the past. It's done, and it's over... we can't change them. Yes, some things hurt, and you can't forget them, but I can't let them affect me today. I want to be able to enjoy the simple things in life. The small things that bring me pleasure.... I don't want to worry about the things that have broghten me down.

So as for my title... It's a line from a song... "signs" by Beyonce. I figured it would do this entry justice. As I'm putting certain things to rest, I feel that this one is an event that I need to let go of. Mike.... As hard as it is for me to truly admit... I was head over heels madly IN love with him. I'm sure people can sit back and tell me again, that I'm young and stupid.... but I know the difference between how I feel for colin and how I feel for Mike. Mike and I had an immediate connection, and we were inseperable. I know as bad as things got in the end.... it was only because it was hard. He had a life with kids, and a wife. It was neither of our intentions to connect like we did... I don't think he meant to hurt me or his wife. We were supposed to be friends... but it was just so much more than that. Everything happened so fast... I know neither of us really expected it. Things were so complicated... and Yes, He broke my heart.... I know he didn't want to, but he didn't have a choice. In reality, I do understand... him being a father to his kids was more important than me... I know he did some bad things, and I know he's back in prison... but I also know how badly he wanted to change... and the things him and I talked about, and I truly believe he wanted those things and meant what he said. I don't think he was strong enough to live on the straight and narrow. Sometimes it's hard for people to change, and leave the only thing they know. And according to prison statistics... 97% of all inmates return at some point in their life. You do the math... it leave a small percent for those who can make it legitimately. Aside from Josh... Mike was one of the hardest things I ever had to overcome in my life. It's been a long process, but I think I'm finally there. I miss him... I really do. But I can't hold on to memories... those are slowly fading away. Yesterday I drove to Winston Salem to go to the flea market with my mom. I asked her to drive past the "shop" Mike and I had opened a store... My name wasn't on anything because I was afraid it would fail, as it did... but I lost a good amount of money... and time. I tried to help him live the life he wanted... there was nothing about that store that was illegal. I helped him get all the paperwork and buy the name and etc. He started to realize the struggle for those making money the legitimate way. It doesn't come fast, and it takes time. I would like to think I provided him with a lot of good information. Even though I was only 21... I provided him with a lot... he just didn't know how to use it... He's a very strong person... there was nothing he couldn't handle... He thought too much like what he knew tho.... a criminal. Naturally when the relationship ended I took the store as a loss.... I felt used... sure... like I was just money, and etc... it took me a long time to realize certain details that made it so difficult for us.

So I got out of the car... and looked through the window. It was empty... It made me sick to my stomach... not so much because of the money that was lost, but because I could literally visualize and see us together in there... and never expecting it to come to an end. It made me sick to my stomach to think about how much I loved him! I felt like I couldn't breathe.... as I looked at the For Sale sign in the window... I admit, I did get teary eyed, but I couldn't cry because I was with my mom. Obviously the "mortgage" payment wasn't getting paid on the place... so it was a business closing/foreclosure kind of deal... I saw where the people came in and emptied it out... things were thrown everywhere.... and it was empty... all except for one thing... The sign I made was still hanging on the front of the counter.... "Big Apple Fashion" That was the only thing still standing in the place... I took it as a sign from God... It may sound crazy, but everything else failed, everything else was gone... empty... he failed... his life "straight life" failed.... but the only thing that was still holding up through all the failure... was my sign... ME. I'm gonna be ok.... and It's time to let him go for sure this time... A part of me will always love him... but I have to say goodbye... Holding on is not worth the pain it causes my heart. He was apart of me, and it'll always remain that way... He did this, He made all this happen... not me... so I'll be ok.

I'm really looking forward to 2009!

Goodbye Alman "Mike" Coleman.

Chapter CLOSED!

MEAN!!!

Ok, so lets me honest here. I've gained about 50 pounds. I know... it's obvious. I know everyday that i look in my closet, I have jeans that are a size 9/10, and I have the jeans and clothes that I wear now in the bigger sizes... I'm somewhere in between a 13/14 and a 15/16.... I know... do people not understand that I know what I am. I know I ate my way out of a depression... and I've not totally overcome the struggle. I am an emotional eater. I eat when I'm stressed, sad, even happy! I know all these facts about myself, but what I really want to know is.... do people really think it's necessary to openly point out one's imperfections? I'm not an idiot, I see myself everyday I look in the mirror, and I know that the change starts with me....

When you sit back and refer to someone as fat and obese... and you're supped to be a persons friend... what do you expect them to say when you confront them on the things they say? My so called "friend" decided to make a joke of me and talk about me badly and refer to me as a "fat obese bitch" and trust me... I saw the text message! I know it was said. So I asked the person why they said those things... and he says "well its true... u used to be hot, but now i just don't know what happened to you..." are u serious... I can't be upset with him for speaking his feelings toward me, but to go behind my back, and then calling yourself my friend to my face... really?

People usually tend to point out anothers imperfections to mask their own insecurities... I know this. It's rule of thumb. I really thought he was a good person at one point. Someone I trusted... someone I confided in about the reasons I gained the 50 pounds... and for him to be like that just blows my mind! It's not right because now let me tell you about him. He was about 280 pounds... really pushing 300, and I never said anything... it wasn't my place to stand back and say "hey pal, do you really think we should be going out to eat? and do you really need all that extra crap on your food?" nooooooooo.... I let him be him... but now that he's dropped 80 pounds, his head has swollen up with an ego like no other! and even when that happened I let him toot his horn about going to the gym everyday, and how he's losing weight and getting in shape because he wants to try to persue his dream and start with baseball tryouts and so on and so forth... I sat there and said "I'm happy for you...proud that you made these changes" So, now that I am the way I am... your too good? It's not fair... why are people so mean? I mean my feelings are hurt! I shouldn't let it get the best of me, and I'm not going to let that happen... BUT I am going to take it as initiative to do something about my weight. I've been trying, lord knows I try, but its hard and I give up. I do... that's my biggest problem when it comes to diet and exercise... it gets hard, and I lose the motivation and the 10-15 pounds I worked so hard to lose end up right back showing on the scale.

Ya know, it just really hurts my feelings...especially when I was already down because of the situation at the club last night... I went out with some friends, I was meeting up with them, so I stood in line with this guy that I happened to know, and him and I were 3rd in line literally there was 2 guys infront of us... I had on a pair of jeans and a cute top. Nothing showy just simple, nice and comfortable. It was also sprinkling rain.... Now ladies always get in first.... how come the bouncers and security went to the back of the line, and let all these skinny girls go in.... as girls were walking up to the place they were calling for them to skip up the line... Mind you... I'm a female, and I'm in line... 3rd person... and I waited about 25 mins to get in...meanwhile all my friends are inside having a good time. Its not like the bouncers even knew these girls.... it literally made me sick to my stomach. I guess because I used to know what it was like to be the girl that "looked good" and could skip the line like that... now I'm the fat chick who has to wait in line to get in.... and it sucks.... it really put a damper on my mood, and I was regretting even going out... If I hadn't driven 45 minutes to greensboro, and waited in line for 25 mins... I really would have gotten back in the car and came back home. It was a bad feeling. By the time I even got into the club I was only there for like an hour n 45 mins...not even long enough to enjoy myself with all these things on my mind.

I have to find motivation and energy somewhere. I need to get out of the slumps and move on with my life!!!

Colin Davis

I've been thinking a lot about my first love for some reason... I don't know why, but he's been heavy on my mind lately. I remember the way he used to give me butterflies, and the way he used to make me smile. I met him in high school when I was 15... and we were on and off for years.... we were never actually together like that... in an official "relationship" because there was so many underlying circumstances, and of course distance was an issue... You know long distance relationships are hard to make work... hell, sometimes long distance friendships are hard to make last. Not to mention, he was "bad" and always in trouble for something... so naturally my parents thought it was best I stayed away from him... I didn't listen though. There were years of sneaking around, and going out with friends to meet up with him...lol It makes me laugh because I really do have to learn everything the hard way. He insisted my parents were just racist... which isn't the case.... Maybe he meant prejudice... and in that case yes, they were because he was always in trouble, always breaking car windows with baseball bats, slashing tires (including mine), and getting arrested for stupid things.. like fighting, or half stopping at a stop sign and theres a cop who stops him and realizes that his DL is suspended from what?? years of unpaid parking tickets...lol so he makes his way to the holding center a lot and of course gets his name posted in the weekly area news paper under the police blotter. My parents were against that... but I was "in love" young, and stupid sounds more like it....lol We've sort of remained friends....it's hard to forget your first love, your first kiss, your first everything... and to sit back and realize all the crazy things we've done to eachother to make each other jealous, or just to be out right mean! I remember his birthday one year... the night, he spit his rum n coke in my face... that was also the night I fought back instead of crying.... I snapped his cell phone in half, then picked up the take out box of chicken wings and whipped it at his head... wings went flying everywhere and he was covered in bleu cheese, there were words spoken and words that really hurt my feelings, and with alcohol involved, people (me) seem to make the choices of lesser value... I kicked in the driver side door of his car... there's a permenant mark in the door, and then I keyed my own name on the hood of his car. He threatened me for weeks saying he was reporting everything to the police if I didn't pay to have his car fixed and pay to replace his phone... but I must admit, I felt that I didn't owe him a damn thing! after all the hurt he put me through, and then to spit in my face, which I personally think is one of the most disrespectful degrading things ever!!! I was very upset. We laughed about it later, and after all was said and done, we still loved each other... How do people love one another in the most dysfunctional relationships? I know I loved him because he was the first person I ever truly felt feelings for and made the decision to act on them. We still fight on and off til this day, and end up contacting one another just to say "hey... I miss you" of course we argue about it too... but thats life for him and I. I guess we just connect in the oddest of ways. I used to think I would spend the rest of my life with him... and that if we decided to go seperate ways that someday in some way we would end up together. I don't know if I really believe that now. It's funny, because I used to know every detail of everything between him and I. I knew dates and times like the back of my hand... now I just remember the most important times that occurred between him and I that meant the most to me... the rest are just slowly slipping away. I used to remember in detail, every lie he told me, and every way he hurt me... and though our way of communicating is through arguing I can't even remember the ways that we've hurt each other... I guess it's showing how I'm moving on in my life, and details that hurt me the most, and affected my life aren't as important as they once were. I know he loved me very much at one point, even though I tell him he didn't love me enough or at all. People change, and people move forth. He was a stepping stone in my life... one that ruined me... haha I'm just kidding. Our situation was complicated from the start... and there's times where I really do miss him. He was apart of me for so long... and throwing away about 7 years is a hard thing to do... But it's time to start a new chapter.... it was time along time ago... I just didnt have the strength to do it then. So with a heavy heart... I wish him the best in his life, and I'll still think of him... it's just not worth the pain and aggravation anymore. The little arguments take too much out of me. I probably won't call him anymore, and when he contacts me... I just won't answer or respond to his text or email... It's so bittersweet... but one step forward is better than 10 steps backwards, which is what happens when we remain in contact. So for the both of us... Goodbye...

Missing Josh... Merry Christmas

Today was difficult. Apart of me really wanted to be home in Buffalo with all my family, and the other part of me didn't. I just wasn't into the Christmas spirit this year... nor was I last year. I once again cried this morning over Josh... somtimes I feel like I will never come to terms with the fact that he's gone. We are Nativer American, and my mom ordered a spirit flute for my little brother Jeremy (he's 7) and when he unwrapped it this morning, he immediately opened it and started playing on it... then he came and told my mom and I that while he was playing for it he was calling for Josh, so that we could tell him Merry Christmas quickly before Josh had to go home.... I played along, but had to go to another room, cuz I started crying... had to get myself back together and go on with the day. I'm trying to stay busy... trying to be happy to, but I'm in a "blah" kind of a mood. My step family is visiting, and they are not my most favorite people in the world, so I've been in my room 80% percent of everyday that they've been here... I figure it'd be best, because if I hear them say something ignorant to or about me, my mom or my family... I'm the type who won't bite my tongue and hold anything back. I guess in a way, thats a problem... but I don't believe that any of them are any better than I or my mother... so for them to get on their horse n toot their own horn in my mothers house is disrespectful, and quite frankly I do not want to hear it.

To be honest, I think were looking into moving back to Buffalo. I don't mind...whether I stay here and go to A&T and my mom move back... I can always transfer to UB. Plus by then rob will be home :) I'm patiently waiting but it's just not coming quick enough....

Well i hope you all are enjoying the holiday!