Yuck!

I sat the night in the Emergency Room.

It's almost 3am and I literally just got home about 20 mins ago. They took x-rays and prescribed me meds, but I'm still currently in pain. I have to go have an ultrasound tomorrow at 2pm, and who knows... based on the results of that... if the large amounts of medicine they have me taking don't work, then I may need to have surgery. Maybe the removal of my gallbladder... I don't know.. that's just what the doctor was talking about and the pain I am experiencing. I swear if it isn't one thing it is another... and what a sucky time to maybe need surgery and not have any health insurance since you were kicked off you parents for turning 24 and A&T cancelled my student health Ins. since I graduated! I'm destined to pile on the debt I think. But I don't care. I have been in pain for months and hiding it for months. No matter what I eat, I am ALWAYS in pain. It's bad if all you eat is a yogurt and your in so much pain with your stomach and the discomfort with you side and back that all you can do is lay down and try to wait for it to subside!

I sat in the ER alone, by myself texting back and forth with Andre. I'm the type of person who has to say what I need to say to your face... I hate the talking over the phone, and texting because I feel like I can't truly get my feelings or expression across and sometimes, well, too often it is misinterpreted for "arguing"... I feel that it's necessary I say my goodbye to him in person because most likely... we won't be friends, and it brings a tear to my eye to say that I'll probably never see him again. I know he may or may not feel anything for me... I really can't tell anymore... but for my own personal piece of mind. I need to speak to him in person and say my goodbye to his face... he says i'm asking for too much. I don't think I was asking for too much. Yes, things moved entirely too fast between him and I, but unfortunately all those things felt right at the time... It's not like I intended to hurt anyone. I was straight forward about my situation from the day we went on our first date. We both did it, we both became attached... and well now he's putting it off on me, and playing this game... and YES. He's winning. I feel like the bad guy. I don't want to argue with him... I just need to tell him how I feel, and tell him everything to his face. I'm a crier. I'm going to cry. I can't help that... I know it's over here. I know that I'll never see the guy again and apart of my process to let go is to cry. But I also need him to know that I did care, and he is just acting like a complete fool! First he says he can't believe I'm leaving him, and he hates it... now he's acting like its no big deal, and he doesn't need to see me or let me say goodbye. He acts like I'm overreacting, and that I rushed into things with him all by myself and he never wanted it. Why do guys do that? Why is it so easy for them to turn their emotions off? Why can't I be more like that. The last text he sent me said "I'll let you know when you can see me"... In my mind I'm thinking.... F U!!! like your so dang busy your need to let me know when I can see you. So I am hurt, and I'm in pain-still. And really I just need the closure of that part of my life for me. Not for him, and I don't feel like it's too much to ask of him... and I hate that he's treating me this way now... like I'm just another person. It really pisses me off to be quite frank... because later on... maybe not tomorrow or this week, but later on he will text me and say he misses me or hates that I left him.... it's become a cycle with him since about the first of June. Maybe even late May.... I know I'm leaving, He knows I'm leaving... for good. Just let me say the goodbye I need to say. Let me cry, and lets move on! I am sad about it, but oh well. It's just so many other mixed emotions involved that I'm sad about in general. stressing about my health doesn't help either.

Even though it hurts when I eat, I need to find a small light snack because I can't eat after 7am and have to be back at the hospital by 130pm for my ultrasound appointment. Maybe we can get to the bottom of my pain issues... and maybe, well maybe I can fall asleep and wake up forgetting I was ever involved with Andre. Sometimes he really knows how to push me... and what I hate is he knows he makes me cry... I really don't think I was asking for much to say goodbye. UGH! it frustrates me! and I don't feel good.

Goodnight

[side note]

I made an additional blog called "Crazy Beautiful" if anyone is interested. :)

Changes

Here it is July 13th already and my life seems like it is everywhere! I thought things would be simple. I thought it would be easy to pack up all my belongings and head home to Buffalo. I was wrong.

I made an 8 year life out of North Carolina...when things were bad and I wanted to turn around and go back to NY... I made it work. I developed relationships and friendships here... but truth be told... maybe I've done all there is to do in NC. Well, Greensboro at least.

But even at that, and the bitter sweet feeling I have. My friends here are leaving as I've made the decision to go to school's elsewhere. It's like starting all over again. Well, really I am. While I was in Buffalo I went to the University of Buffalo to get some paperwork things done, and being there didn't feel like "home" I don't know... I guess it's because I adjusted and am used to the livelihood of A&T... I hate to say this, but UB is just plain boring!!! I'm sure once I am settled into classes and what not I will develop new friend ships.... but for now... I'm missing my Aggies.

I started seeing a pretty nice guy too... right at the wrong time. I know he's not "the one" but we sure did have some fun together. He kind of avoids me now that he knows I'm definitely leaving. I was straight forward with him though. I told him from day one that I was moving to NY. I know apart of him didn't want to get to close to me, but we managed to... and I know another part of him thought he was going to convince me to stay. I feel bad because I almost feel like I hurt him. I've cried quite a few times over him and we arent even to a point of a relationship like that. But we had so much fun together. I know he's upset with me, and plays like the tough guy like it doesn't matter but I am well capable as a psychology major of seeing through some of the acts people put on for others. I just don't know what to do about Andre. We talk still, and while I was in Buffalo he sent me a text that said "I can't believe your really leaving me... I hate it" But if I stayed in North Carolina... would it be for me or him? I really do have feelings for him, but if I stay knowing hes not the one I'm meant to be with.... where will that leave me? I never meant to hurt him... even though he says hes ok and he's going to be ok with out me. I know he will, but I know what it feels like to be left... and whether hes really hurt or just trying to get with me... my intention was never to get this serious so fast....but things happen I guess.

As far as Buffalo goes... even if its not where I'm supposed to be permanently. I am however devoting the next 5-6 years of my life there until I am finished with Dental school. After that, I will go wherever calls me. I have no commitments nor do I have anything holding me back... so once I walk across the stage with the DDS. I can go anywhere and start new.

It's just a lot of mixed emotions. Funny thing is I know life in Buffalo isn't going to be the same. The people that were once my friends will be people I know, but we won't always be friends. But things change and people grow apart. Then there's people that I didn't think would be my choice of a good friend that are better friends than I thought my "best friends" were. It's going to be challenging, but I'll make my life work... and it's probably better I don't have the old friends I once had because unfortunately I know they will just bring me down. They settle for what they have rather than striving for more. I'm striving for more....though sometimes it is a pain and a hard road to take... but I feel like I'm supposed to do something better than just settle for what is in front of me.

So I have to finish packing among a lot of things that I need to take care of before I leave... but it's always just a step at a time.

Day 3... is almost over

I managed to get a little cleaning done. Made 2 seperate meals for the family... one for my diet, and one for them.... I so badly want to get on the scale... but I'm trying to avoid it. I know my weight fluctuates anyway, so getting on the scale only after 3 full days of this diet...and not seeing a loss will only discourage me.

I'm working at it...... I'm trying to stay focused on losing 23 pounds. I know that if I lose the 23 pounds that I've gained over the course of the year will put me back into the clothes I wore last summer which fit pretty snug currently. 23 pounds in a year is a lot of weight. I don't know where I lost track of what I was eating and doing and not doing to pack on that much weight. I kept saying I'd get to it when exams were over and graduation was done... and here I am almost 2 month after graduation, having gained an additional 8 pounds. I think that's what has gotten to me. However I think I am doing pretty well on my diet thus far. Usually my problem is eating right and setting boundaries... but right now it's so hot the thought of exercising and sweating makes me tired in itself!

Plus for whatever reason, I am just down. I feel tired all the time. I go to sleep tired, and I wake up tired. I have no energy... and I can't even say it's either this or that... because I think it's a combination of a few things. My weight is the highest its ever been. I know it's there because i can see it....every time I look in the mirror... but looks are besides the point... I don't like feeling it. I'm "blah". I don't do much as it is, but to feel tired for no reason is beyond me. Not to mention it is extremely hot. The weather channel keeps saying that the heat is in the mid to high 90's but the air is that of a 100-110 degree day. So with that being said, its hotter in the house than outside.... that drains me too.

I just feel so unlike myself... I feel unproductive and I don't like it. Maybe I just need to tackle one thing at a time instead of trying to work on EVERYTHING at once.

Day # 2

I made it through...

Still not feeling my best, but what can i do?

Day 1 isn't so bad....

So, it's been months since I've written... and in that time a lot has changed.

I've graduated with my BA. in Psychology.
I've lost some loved ones and am still healing.
I've met many guys, but am caught up with 1 right now. That I just can't understand
I'm moving to NY. (so the guy above will be out of the picture soon)
I've gained an additional 8 pounds to my already high weight.
I'm sad.
I truly feel some days that I am depressed. I don't want to get out of bed. I even sleep the day away. For the most part I'm pretty good at hiding it.
I'm scared to move back home to Buffalo. So much has changed, and I have changed... where do I fit?

I could go on and on, about ME and my emotions, and where my life is going and not going. I'm 24 years old, and sometimes I feel so unaccomplished.

Today was the fist day of working on me.
I did a little packing, I've been following and doing very well on my diet... I forced myself to do this. Its either start now, or keep packing on the pounds, and I just cannot let that happen. I'm currently at the highest weight I have ever been.... I feel terrible. Not just emotionally over it, but physically... I have no energy and I am TIRED all the time... I dont want to feel this way. I look in the mirror and I don't even see myself anymore. That's a feeling I can't get past... that I need to change.

One day at a time, and today was the first of many to come.

My Dearest JamieLynn,

I've sat for hours on end trying to figure out how to handle this day. As many times as I've thought it was coming, not enough time in the world allowed me to prepare myself for losing you.

I find myself thinking back to when we were kids. Those were the happier days and the better days for you. Then we parted ways. Our difference in age, though it is just a number now, helped cause our separation. I remember you playing barbie dolls with me all day everyday from the time the sun came up til my dad made us go to bed. I remember all the bike rides and trips to the park my mom would take us on. I remember a lot. I'm remembering things that I thought I've forgotten but haven't. I remember our Summer's in Tennessee and throwing cookies at those boys that liked you that were poor. I feel bad now, but I remember us laughing and saying how they were so poor they'd probably come back and pick the cookies up later and eat them.

Yes, we are just "river rats" at heart, but it made us who we are. Remember the time those girls were talking crap about you because the boys at All Saints liked you? I still laugh about it now. I was about 7 years old and I remember walking into Wilson Farms with you, and those girls talking about you being a hoe. Then I remember us going to the quick shop on Esser and buying Milkbone dog bones and whipping them out the window of the Charger and barking at those ugly bitches (excuse my language)... lol I was started off at such an early age. I can't help who I am, neither can you.

I can't help but think of SWV's "weak"... you were the first to put me on to R&B, hip-hop as a small child. I remember it was my first cassette tape all because of you.

I remember when you got pregnant with Claudia... we sat for days naming that baby until we picked a name... "Justice Blue" that was back from the days where we were still watchin poetic justice with janet and pac- I laugh because i don't know what we were thinking at the time, but I smile because I know you gave her the name Justice as a middle name for me.

I've seen you struggle for so many years. The good, and the bad, you always pulled through. Even in some of my weakest moments I think about the strength you had to deal with your pain- mentally, emotionally, physically. No matter the choices in life you made, I could never fault you for. We all make mistakes, and to me you'll always be that Imperfect Angel. You are one of a kind, and can never be replaced. I envy you in that no matter how much pain you were in you always put a show for everyone and told them you were ok, and getting better. Every time I saw you, you always told me how beautiful I was and that you loved me. Thank you.

I remember the last picture we took together in 2006, which is now my default. I apologize because you'd hate it, but I love it. I remember getting ready to take this picture and you stopped to go draw your eye brows in, and I remember laughing because you kept asking me if they were even. They were even. I cried to you over Colin and everything that I was going through with him and the family. You wiped away my tears and told me if would be ok and you told me what a strong and smart person I was. You told me you understood exactly what I was going through and that it wasn't even easy for you being with an Arabian man, and the things Claudia was going through in dunkirk because of who she was. But you told me I could handle anything. I saw you once more after this day, and talked to you on the phone a few times. Then you just got to sick to even be around.

Knowing your not here anymore hit me really hard today in the car. I got in the car, and this song was playing on a station that i don't even listen to- so I have no idea how it was there. I smiled at the thought, but lost control and cried my eyes out. I remember years ago when I got the karaoke machine for my birthday. You used to sing the song "against all odds" I'll never forget.

I'm sorry I couldn't be there more. I'm sorry you were in pain. I'm sorry you died alone, but I hope you know and never forget how much I love you. You will always be with me, and I will never let anyone ever say anything bad about you. I love you JamieLynn. Forever.